SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVI, Issue 20252, 11 May 1929, Page 8 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

WHAT IMPRESSED HIM. Bunkum had just returned to his native village after his first visit to London. " We'iJ, Jarge," said one of his cronies that evening, " what did 'eo lil<o utoso m Lunnon ?" "I think as 'ow St. Paul's Cathedral were best." said Bunkum. ' It be twice as 'igh as t' parish church ni>* ten times rounder. An', what s tnoie, he a elded, " t' bloke what owns it iieeps pigeons!"

AN OMINOUS REMARK. Two football teams had played a number of drawn matches and it was decided to engago a professional referee for a deciding game. A well-known official was approached by a party of tough-looking men. " All right," said the referee. " I'll oblige you. What fee do you offer for my services? " " Well," said one of the men, " that depends on how badly you're hurt."

TIT FOR TAT. As the doctor hurried down the garden path he paused to look at the work of the local builder who was making a few alterations to the house. " Ah, Sawyer," ho remarked cheerfully, pointing to a rather ragged piece of decoration, " paint and putty cover up a lot of your misdoings, don't they?" The builder was at a loss for a moment. "Yes, doctor," he said, after a second: " and I suppose the spade and the shovel cover up a good deal of yours." TRUE TO HIS WORD. The music swelled louder and louder, and then suddenly dwindled down to nothing once again. " You were quite right about your piano playing, young man," said the hostess, approaching from the other sido of tho room. " I am glad yon are enjoying it," returned the youthful Paderewski. " Yes," continued the hostess. " Yon said you'd rattle a few things off the pi alio, and two vases havo already disappeared."

SARCASM AT THE FIGHT. The two heavily advertised boxers were putting up ii terrific exhibition of extreme caution in the face of danger. At the moment they were glaring at each other over the tops of their extended right nrrns with ferocious expressions, what time they pranced warily round the rin g . It was noted by ft gentleman in the cheaper seats that these two worthies were quite six feet apart all the time, and he accordingly voiced his disapproval.

" Hi." he shouted at the referee, " why the dickens don't you separate 'em?" .

A DIFFERENT COLOUR. There had been an outbreak of fire at the local garage, and the damago spread to the draper's next door. Unfortunately, the draper's shop was gutted out, and the distracted proprietor endeavoured to relieve his feelings by describing the fire to his neighbours.

" A terrible affair," he cried to one man. "I am ruined ! lam ruined ! I just stood there and watched my money burn away. Mv face went white white —white as your shirt." Then he peered at the other's shirt again. " No—whiter," he added.

BAD BUSINESS. An American restaurant, in search of new ideas for attracting custom, had an automatic weighing machine installed in its lounge and advertised that they would weigh each customer before dining. On leaving, the customer would be weighed once again and asked to settle the bill according to the difference in his weight. But Pennyfeather was more artful than the other customers and provided himself with a couple of bricks. During the lunch he disposed of these beneath the table. Eventually he finished his five courses and stepped on the scales. And the management discovered that they owed him three-and-eightpence.

JUST FOR A NIGHT. Little Lucy had been shown her mother's new evening gown Which had only arrived from her dressmaker's that afternoon. IJer eyes gleamed with real feminine approval as her mother slipped the dainty thing over her shoulders for a brief second or two.

" I fink it's lovely, mummie," she said softly. "Are you going to wear it this evening?"

" Oil, no, dear," replied the other. " This is for me to wear when ladies and gentlemen come to dinner." " Well," returned Lucy wistfully, " can't you pretend that daddie is a gentleman just for to-night?"

CUTTING IT SHORT. A butler always annoyed his mistress by announcing her visitors separately. For instance, instead of saying, "Mr. and Mrs. Kilkelly and the Misses Kilkelly," lie would call out, " Mr. Kilkelly, Mrs. Kilkelly, Miss Norah Kilkelly, and Miss Kate Kilkelly," mentioning each member of the _ family by name. His mistress told him .on her next " At Home " day to make the announcement shorter.

As it happened, a Mr. and Mrs. Penny, with their grown-up son and a little daughter, were the first to arrive, whereupon the butler electrified his mistress by throwing open the door and shouting, '' Threepence-half penny.

A PENNY WELL SPENT. The fussy old gentleman was taking his morning constitutional, when he came upon a very small boy smoking a cigarette stump. Now, the old gentleman was rather shocked to see such a thing, and ho. offered the boy a penny if he would throw the obnoxious weed away. Then, after having delivered a little lecture, ho passed on. Shortly afterwards he was surprised to meet the lad again, smoking another cigarette. " Come, my boy," he said, " didn't I give you a penny just now to throw that nasty cigarette away?" "Yes, sir," said the boy. " An* I've been an' bought a couple o' good 'una with it."

THE TONGUE-TIED PARROT. By pure coincidence Brown had ordered a parrot to be sent home on the same dav that his wife had arranged for a chicken to be sent round to the house. She had instructed tho gardener to wring the bird's neck as soon as it arrived. Unfortunately, the parrot was delivered first.

When Brown came homo he was dumbfounded to discover that tho parrot had been killed in mistake for the chicken, and lie took the gardener to task about it.

" Biggs," he exclaimed, "do you realise that that bird could speak three languages ?" " Really." Biggs was not impressed. " Then why the Lord Harry didn't it say something ?"