ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVI, Issue 20252, 11 May 1929, Page 8 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

He: " You look sweet enough to eat!" She: "I do eat. Whero shall we go?"

" I'm very fond of that bricklayer." *' Does ho like you?" "Yes. lie says I'm a brick."

" What have you there ?" " Some insect powder." "Good heavens! You aren't going to commit suicid.e?"

Young Man (shaking hands with small Oli, it's all right. Mine are in holes, too."

" I hope you'll dance with me to-night, Hr. Jones." "Oh, rather! I hope you don't think I came here merely for pleasure!"

Mistress: " Who was the gentleman tv'ho called just now, Mary 1" Mary: " That wasn t a gentleman, ma'am. It was the master come back for his coat."

Bi'.iks (to shopkeeper): " Have you any eggs in which you can guarantee there are 110 chickens?" Grocer (pausing a moment): " Yes. sir—duck eggs."

Young Lady: " Your novel has a charming ending." Author: " What do you think of the opening chapters?" Young Lady: "I havo not got to them yet."

Husband (testily, after going down badly at bridge): " Yon might have guessed I had no heart, partner." Wife: " Quite; but I thought you had a brain, darling!"

Sentimental Suitor (after being rejected) : " I shall never marry now." The Lady: "Silly man. Why not?" Sentimental Suitor: "If you won't have me, vho will?"

Aunt: " You must have liked the book I gave you to read it seven times." Nephew:*" It isn't that. You see, dad makes me a read a chapter every timo I'm late at meals."

For the plural of goose to be geese, The plural of noose should be neese; For ox to be oxpn,

Then box should be boxen, .And why shouldn't moose be nieese ?

Bently: "Why don't you try my tailor, old man?'"' Branson: "Does he use good materials?" Bently: " I should say ho does! "Why I had a suit that lasted almost up to" the time I paid for it!

" Yes, it was the biggest fish I have ever hooked—and before I realised it I was pulled clean out of the boatj must have got a nasty wetting." " Not a bit of it. You see, I fell on the fish."

The height of several things is an ab-sent-minded professor calling himself on the telephone to find out whether he is supposed to go to a meeting which he lias decided to cancel if he finds out that he has to go.

Angry Householder (to persistent canvasser) : " This is the third time you have called about an electric iron. Plow many times do you want me to refuse you?" Salesman: "Well, madam, 1 think twice is sufficient."

" I'm beginning to believe in fortunetelling." "Why? Something come true?" "Yes. A fortune-teller told me vesterday that I would have money left me, and to-day I had fourpence left paying my wife's dressmaking bill.

Tireless Shopper: "Thanks for showing me all these silks, but I'm not buying myself. I was just looking for a neigh hour." Weary Shop Girl: "Do you think she could be in that one bolt of mauve that I haven't shown you ?

A collection attorney received an nccount accompanied by a request that he " move heaven and earth to get this scoundrel." He replied. " There would lie no use in moving either locality in this instance. The debtor died last week.

" I'm npver going to Smith's house again." ' "Why not?" "Last night they'demonstrated a machine for telling how much people are lying." " Well —" " And just before they tried it on me they poured a lot of oil on the wheels."

A countryman saw a parrot on the roof of his cottage. He climbed up to capture it. The parrot looked at him, and said sharply, "What do you want?" The countryman touched his cap. " Beg pardon, sir. I thought you was a bird."

"What's the matter, Mother?" said the son, entertaining his mother down town. " Don't you like a restaurant dinner for <1 change ?" " Oh, dear me, yes! I was just counting how many pots I'd have to wash if I had gotten it myself."

A farmer was trying hard to fill out a railway company claim sheet for a cow that had been killed on the track. lie came down to the last item: "Disposition of the carcase;", After puzzling oyer the question for some time, he wrote: " Kind and gentle."

Uncle George (relating his adventures fn Australia): " Ah, my boy, I've seen the boomerangs flying about till the air •was thick with 'em." Willie (hazy as to the nature of a boomerang) : " Oh, uncle, you might have brought me home cue of their eggs.

Waiter: " I recommend the soup, sail." Guest: "No I really don't want any soup." Waiter: " It's mighty nice, salt. You'll commence with the soup, then ?" Guest: "You're very persuasive. It's not obligatory, is it?" Waiter: "No, sail, mulligatawnev.

Two men, one very short, the other tall, were working side by side. The foreman told the tall one he was riot doing his share of the digging. " Well," replied the man " you don't expect me to do as much as 'im, do you ? 'E's closer to it. ain't 'e ?"

Mother," said little Willie, " I don't think Solomon was as rich as they say ne was.' " Why, my dear, what could have put that intc your head ?" " Why, the Bible says he slept with his fathers, and I think it he nad been so very rich he would have had a lied of his own."

" That's a pretty bad cold you have, old man. What are you doing for it?" " To day I'm doing what Jones told mo to do. It's Simpson's day to-morrow, and tho next is Brown's. If I'm not better by Sunday, and if I'm still alive, I shall try your remedy. Just write it down on ibis card, will you, and I 11 put it on my list."

Joan, four years old, is fond of her baby sister, but now that sister is learning to talk Joau finds her road much harder to travel. One day they were playing together, and baby Doris came running to mother, crying. Mother, looking at Joan for an explanation, was •promptly informed: " Doris bib herself—right, on the ear."