ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIII, Issue 19496, 27 November 1926, Page 3 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Why is this world like music?—Becauss it is fall of sharps and flats. " Are mine the only lips you ever kissed?" "Yes, darling, and the nicest." Fair Critic: "Mr. and Mrs. Jones always give one the impression that they both realise they have married beneath them." "My husband is an awful liar." "Oh, I don't know. I think ha'a pretty good at it." " My wife only got the better of me once." " Oh, when?" " When she married me." ."What is your son going to be when ho gets through college?" "An old man, I'm afraid." " What do yon think counts most in this world ?" " Well, there's the adding machine." "You say your husband is not insured !". "No, it takes all our spare money to insure the car." Mist: "So they are ideally mated?" Downpour: "Yes. He's a born leader oi men and so is she." " Where is the sponge I asked yon to buy V " I <!4uldn't see a good one.* They all had h<sles in them!" She: "I've decided to marry again." He: "I thought you said you never made the same mistake twice." Sharp: "Do you play the piano by ear or by note?" Flat: "I get it down and play it by brute strength." "Why do you call your sweetheart 'Pilgrim' ?" "Because every time .he calls he makes mora progress." Flopsy: "Dora has such generous impulses!" Mopsy; "And such remark"iblo strength in resisting them!" Ho: "Are your parents always sip when you get in?" She: "Only my dad — mother doesn't got up so early."" "So Jane is an old-fashioned girl, eh?" "Yes—when I tried to kiss her she burned mo with her cigarette." Two flappers were talking over a name on a billboard. "He's famous, ain't, ho ?" said one. "No, I never heard of kim." "Is it a love match ?" "It must be. They played bridge as partners all summer and are still fond of each other." " D'yon think I ought to tell Reggie about my past ?" " Oh, not yet, dear. Keep it for the long winter evenings." "Darling, you are the most beautiful woman in the work." " Oh, Harold, how quick you are at noticing things!" "Is the family upstairs Scotch ?" "Nowhy !" "They re raising such a commotion because the baby swallowed a penny."Asked to compose a sentence containing the name Beatrix," little Jimmy wrote: "My sister wants to Beatrix ovclist." " I understand your cook has left.'* " Yes," answered the housewife, who was taking account of broken china, "but not much. "Yes," said the specialist, "I will examine you for two guineas. " All right," said McTavish; "if you find it I'll give you half." Ethel: "And isn't their honeymoon over yet, my dear?" Mabel: "Oh, not yet—you still can't understand a word they say to each other." Dad: "My dear girl, has ha given you any encouragement?" Dot: " Well, la3t night he asked if you and mother "were pleasant people to five with." Orator's Wife: " Did the people applaud ?" Orator (with bitterness): "Applaud ? They made about as much noise as crepe shoes on a rubber floor!" • Mrs. Binks: " Well, this is good news, anyhow. Me daughter's written to say she's got a reg'lar job at last, aa bridesmaid to a film actress at Hollywood." Optimist: "There's one good thing about this wet weather we have been having in Auckland lately. It makes it harder fcr burglars to open the windows." Porter: " Now, then, miss, get in quick. The train's just going to start!" Pretty Passenger: "But I want to give my sister a kiss." "Get in; I'll see to that." Mother: "Hilda's young man has taken offence at something. Have you said anything to him?" Father: ''Not a worth I haven't seen him since I posted him the ga3 bill." " Is your Bon growing up mit a good business head ?" " A good business head! My, dot boy could buy every stitch of clothes a customer haf got an' den sell him a suit-case." Minter: "Why does a woman always keep a man waiting so long after she s \ e JJ be ready in & minute?". Miles: Because she picks out a minute which is about half an hour away." " Pf. said the husband who specialised in manufacturing excuses, the truth is bound to leak out some time. " Yes," replied the wife, " I believe it leaked out of you long ago." Tom: "I don't think I'll marry Miss Golding after all" Jack : "But I thought you were quite fond of her?" Tom: Well, I used to be, but I'm getting tired of hearing her say 'No' every time I propose to her." Jones; " Why have yoti got that pie te of string tied round your finger?" Brown: " I put it there to remind me to post a letter for my wife." Jones: " And have you posted it?" Brown: "No, She forgot to give it to me." A shilling subscription having been set on foot to bnry an attorney who had died very poor, Lord Chief Justice Norbury exclaimed, " Only a shilling to bury an attorney! Here's a guinea: go and bury one-and-twenty of them." A certain West End theatre, which has had a long spell of ill-luck, happened to sell out, and the manager ordered the " House Full" boards to be displayed. It was so long since they had been needed that they couldn't be found anywhere. A fanner contracted to deliver 20 hens to a neighbour, Only 19, however, were sent, and it was late in the evening liefore the missing bird was taken by the farmer. "Man," said the purchaser. ' "ye'ro verra late with this yin." "Aye/ agreed the other, "but ye see, she doesna lay until the afternoon." A policeman caught a Welsh motorist exceeding the speed limit in his ■ car. 44 Your name, please?" he demanded.. " Aubrev Llewellyn Brynmor Af .Liewell vn," came the reply. The policeman put his notebook awav and looked sternly at the offender. " Well, don't let me catch you again!" he said, severely. Two small girls were oat with their nurse when the doctor, who happened: to be passing, stormed and inouired how tht-y were. I don't think had belter tell you." said one of them. "Why not ?" he askrd ?" " Well," she replied, " Daddy told us that when you called the other week and asked him how.we wore it cost him two guineas."