SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIII, Issue 19496, 27 November 1926, Page 3 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

FAR FROM PERFECT, "Why don't you call me a donkey and have done with it ? You've hinted at it long enough," said the henpecked husband. "It wouldn't be quite true," Mrs. Meek replied. "I suppose not. I haven't ears long enough for that animal," he retorted sarcastically. "Oh, yss, you have," she returned, sweetly. "You don't need longer ears." "What do I need, then ?" "Two more legs and a better voice." THE WRONG BUS. Bus conductors need to be patient souls at times. An old lady got into a bus, and took several minutes to settle herself comfortably, by which time the conductor was waiting for her fare. Methodically she opened her bag, took her purse, shut her bag, opened her purse, fiddled about with ,the money inside it — and then, offering half a-crown, asked for a penny ticket for a place in the opposite direction to that in which the bus was going. MISPLACED SYMPATHY. In the gutter stood a red-faced woman. On her ample form was displayed a card bearing the words: "Disabled Policeman." Passers-by thought it was a good joke—a policeman dressed as a woman—and dropped coppers into the outstretched hand. Soon quite a large crowd collected, and at last the inevitable man-in-blue appeared on the scene. "What's this?" he asked the woman, pointing to the card. "It's all right, guv'nor," she replied. "I disabled him last night, so I'm just collecting the fine!" "WHO WROTE THAT?" A schoolmaster named Bird was always being reminded of this fact by the boys. Once on entering the classroom he found the boys looking so grave that he looked around for signs of trouble. Sure enough on the blackboard appeared a familiar quotation:— " Hail to thee, blithe spirit, Bird thou never wert." "Who wrote that?" ha rapped out sharply. Dead silence reigned for some moments. Then a small boy said: "Please, sir, 1 think it was Shelley!" TREATING TEE COMPANY. A young clerk was spending an evening in a country inn full of company and, feeling secure in the possession of most money, made the following offer:—"l will drop money into a hat with any man ;n the room. The man who holds out longest to have the lot and treat the company." "I'll do it," said one of the farmers present. The clerk dropped in a ten-shilling Treasury note. The farmer followed with a sixpence. "Go on," said the clerk. ' I can't," said the farmer; "so you take the lot and treat the company." HE TRIED TO BE TACTFUL. She dabbled in water colours, and was rather proud of the results; also, her complexion was the envy of her acquaintances 1 and they said spiteful things about it. At a dinner party one day she sat next to a shy, awkward young man who cudgelled his brains in vain for something to say. She took pity on him, tried to open conversation by remarking with expectant modesty, "I dare say you have heard that I paint?" "Y-yes," he stammered, looking at her face. Then he added, with a pleasant smile, "But I don't believe it 1" " THE BROKER'S " GOOD THING." A stockbroker, whose good luck was proverbial, went to dinner with some friends. Nearly everybody there was rather tired of his good luck and one man said to him maliciously: "I suppose, with your usual amazing luck, you've pulled off any amount of good things lately?" With a twinkle in his eye, the stockbroker replied: "I picked up a good thing recently. It stood at 44 when I discovered it, and last week it touched 78." "Good heavens! What was it?" somebody shouted. "A thermometer," said the stockbroker. THAT EXPLAINED IT. Mrs. Dooley had not had much education, but she did her best to hide the deficiency. "Will you sign your name here?" asked the solicitor, whom Mrs. Dooley had asked to draw up a deed when transferring some property to her daughter. "You sign it yerself, and I'll make me mark," said the old woman, "Since my eyes gave oat I'm not able to write a word, sor." "How do you spell it?" he asked. "With or without an V ?" "Spell it whatever way ye plaze, young man," said Mrs. Dooley. "Shure, since I lost me teeth there's not a wurrd I can spell." THE GENTLE ANSWER. A golfer was considerably handicapped by the actions of a very slow player in front. As it happened the latter was! the owner of a perfect pair of bow-legs, All through the afternoon the first player found himself hindered at every hole, but he managed to control his tamper, although once or twice it cost him a great, effort. t But this could not go on for ever. Finally, his patience exhausted, the victim drove clean through the player in front, and his ball passed through the widelyspread bow-legs. Mad with rage, the slow player marched back to the following player. "Do you call that golf, sir?" he stormed. "No," answered the other, suavely, "but it was pretty hot croquet —what?" A DOG FAMINE. Dugald was disgusted at his new boss, a loud waistcoated, cigar-smoking man who had come up from London and announced that ho had rented Dugald's moor and would be' up for the shooting. He showed obvious lack of knowledge of shooting, and otherwise incurred the keeper's disdain. On the day of the shoot the new lord of the moor appeared in a crossword puzzle set of tweeds. A small army of beaters and underkeepers and a long string of dogs followed him to the fray. He hanged away all the morning. About noon Dugald announced, acidly: "Weil, Ah think we'll be goin' home noo." "Why, what's the matter?" askiil the new owner. "Aren't there an> more birds?" "Aye, they's plenty of bur-r-rds," said Dugald, "but yon's the last dog!' HE KNEW HIS LINES. The bridegroom was embarrassed; the bride was self-possessed. "If it were only over!" he whispered, excitedly. "I know I'll do it wrong." "It won't take long, darling," she answered consolingly. "You haven't much to say." Suddenly there came to the ears m the bridegroom the voice of the minister "Kindly change places with the bride. The bridegroom tried to do so, but stepped on the toe of her and, raising his arm, caught his cuff bu tori in her veil. "Do be careful!" she implored. The minister began the ceremony. The bridegroom grew more and more embarrassed. "If any person knows any just reason," said the minister "why these two should not be joined together let hint now speak or for ever " "I will!" shouted the bridegroom,