SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIII, Issue 19412, 21 August 1926, Page 3 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

" IKEY " AND HIS MONEY. Ikey, accompanied by his wife, went to a tailor's to buy a suit. After inspecting a number, Ikey found ono to his liking, the price of which was five guineas, and, of course, Ikey thought that was too much money. After arguing the matter of price for a while, the tailor said, "It will take five guineas to buy that suit." While Ikey was hesitating his wife spoke up and said, "Oh, Ikey, give the man his money. Don't be so Scotch!" " EARS HAVE WALLS." The man crawled from under the wrecked car and got to his feet. He had escaped miraculously with only a slight injury to his right ear, but they took him to hospital to be examined. The doctor peered into tho injured member, probed, and peered again. "Yes," he said at length, "you have punctured the wall of your ear." Ihe patient moaned. "The very ears have walls," he said, miserably. " They lushed him at once to the observation ward. THE COMPLIMENT. Nobody to take much notice of Green at the office dinner, and he was beginning to feel somewhat bored when ! he was called upon to make a speech. Green stood up and glanced round the walls of tho dining hall, noting with keen relish the works of art that adorned them. Then he began his • speech by paying a compliment to the ladies of the staff. Pointing to the wonderful paintings with outstretched arm, he remarked: " Gentlemen, what need is there of all these painted beauties when we havo so many with us at the table ?" HORSES AND THEIR PRICE. The bookmaker found himself on the course without his-"protector," who had failed to put in an appearance, so he engaged for the day a hefty fellow, who looked like shaping well in the event of trouble arising. The recruit was sent to TattersalPs ring to ascertain the "prices" of certain horses, including Solario and Warden of the Marches* He was away for over an j! lr - ''What the deuce have you been doing? demanded his exasperated empower "It ain't no good, mister," replied the novice, sadly; "the blokes wot owns them Virses ain't sellin' 'em!" THEY DON'T SPEAK NOW. Mrs. Jones is ono of those dear old ladies who never - forget, and are not satisfied until they get their own back no matter how long they may havo to wait. How delighted I am to see you again, Mrs. Jones," said an elderly acquaintance, meeting her unexpectedly. " How many years is it since wo met? It's so nice to think that you remembered me after all this time. You knew me at once. I begin to think I can't have changed so very much." " Oh," said Mrs. Jones, with a sweet smile and an acid tone, " I recognised, your hat." . TOO MUCH FOR HIM. . : r ! lc new country constable was being initiated into the mysteries of his duties by tho sergeant, who warned him to keep a particularly sharp lookout for intoxicated motorists. "And how can I tell they're drunk sir?" J "If you have any doubt," declared the sergeant, "ask the suspect to repeat after you, 'Surely Susan shoyld suit shy Sam!"

"Very good, sir," replied the 'ponstable. "I'll write that down." Later in the day a motor-car pulled up -outside the police station and unloaded the new constable with a handkerchief tied .round his head. Ho had dislocated his jaw.

JUST IN TIME. A procession was passing through the city, and a party had obtained seats in a shop window. The window was oldfashioned, and consisted of a number of small panes. After a few hours' waiting the atmosphere became stuffy. One of the party suggested that a few of the panes should bo broken to admit the fresh air, and that everyone should contribute toward the repayment for the damage dono. All agreed except a Scotsman, who refused to pay a farthing. It was decided to dispense with his contribution, and the window was smashed. As soon as the first pane fell out, the Scotsman pushed his head through the opening, and exclaimed: "Thank goodness ! In another minute I should have been suffocated!" HE MIGHT HAVE GUESSED. Tho territorial recruits were lined up for dress inspection. . The officer noticed with, surprise that one of the men was without his cap and coat. " Where's the remainder of your uniform ?".he asked, fiercely. "In the barrack room, sir," said the recruit. " Go arid get dressed at once," came tho command. The man ran off and returned in a minute with his coat on, but still minus his cap. " Where's your cap ? " demanded the officer. " Sorry," said the recruit, who ran.off again and returned fully dressed. " Now, what have you done with your rifle?" asked the officer. " Sorry, sir," carne the reply, " but I've left it in the barrack room." " You're & fine soldier,"- shouted the officer. " What's your ocpupation ?" "A plumber's mate," came the reply. "SHARE AND SKABE ALIKE." It was an amateur dramatic performance, and the audience was bearing up bravely. • But toward the end their fortitude was broken down. It happened when Mr. Smitbson, the frocer's assistant, who was playing the ero, rushed on an embraced Miss Matthews, the heroine. Mr. Srnithson had not yet attained the dignity of a moustache, and had to wear a false one. "My darling," ho said, imprinting a salute on the girl's lips, "now that all has ended happilv we'll get married. Through life we will pull together, and share and share alilTe. Then it was that the audience laughed, and when Srnithson Haw Miss Matthews he understood why. He had been a littl* too anxious to begin "sharing," for h* had left half of, his false moustache on the heroine's upper lip. A " TERRIBLE " EXPOSURE. "Oh! yes, she's a • ladylike person enough. But she insults me terribly and uses the most fearful language. She threatened to bash my face in. This quotation from Mr. Frederick Payler's book, "Law Courts, Lawyers and Litigants," recalls another woman witness who was giving evidence at Marlborough Street Court, London, some years ago in connection with an assault on her husband. After repeating fluently much In rid language used by the defendant, she added: " And then, me Worship, 'e inide use of a very coarse and disgust in' expression. But I wouldn't sile me lips by repeatin' of it." " Come," said the magistrate, " you've told us a good deal, you know. Yon must tell us what he. said." Very bashfully the witness repeated the awful words, " 'E said 'e'd brike 'im up to miko roads with 1".