ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIII, Issue 19412, 21 August 1926, Page 3 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

James: "Why does Jones wear a beard?" Robert: "His wife knits his ties." "Spirit," murmured the medium, "are you there? If so, rap once. If not, twice." Iris: "My life is like a book." Irene: "Yes, dear. 'Chap One,' 'Chap Two,' and so on." Morgan What are tho seven ages of woman?" Crouch: "Her real age and six guesses." He: "I love you and want you for my wife." She: ''But are you sure your wife will like me?" Stage Manager: "What makes you think the fruit they threw at you was bottled ?" Actor: "I felt a jar." Judge: "You say your car is your only means of support ?" " Yes, your Honour, it's my income taxi." "And is your daughter happily married?" "Yes, rather! Her husband is scared to death of her." Housewife: "The eggs you sent this morning were rotten." Grocer: "That's too bad." "Xo, the whole dozen." She: "What animal is that ?" He: "It looki like reindeer." She: "Did you hear mo ask what kind of animal that is?" Mrs. Tartar: "My first husband had much better sense than you have." Tartar: "i don't see it. Wo both married you." Grace: "Which of those girls is it that you don't like. Gladys: '•"S-sh! She'll hear you. When she comes here I'll kiss her.'' Gargc (buying engagement ring): Yes, I likes the diamond 'un a,t five boh; but 'aven't you got any imitation 'uns cheaper like?" George: "So yon danced with Betty last night?" Gerald: "You've seen her?" "Yes; she hobbled by/on a crutch this morning." ' "Why don't yon marry her?" "She has a slight impediment in her speech.". "How sad. What is it?" "She can't say 'Yes'." Mistress: "Hilda, what da wo need for dinner? Hilda: "Please, ma'am, I've tripped over the rug and we need a new set of dishes." First Pedestrian (to man who has bumped into him): "Clumsy idiot." Second Pedestrian: "Glad to know you. Mine's Brown." She (after tho quarrel): "And you needu't expect mo to meet you at the usual place to-morrow. If you are there, I won't come!" "Can you give mo a—hie—peppermint, ole man?" "What on earth for? "Well. I want to 'phono the wife, and she's so darned s'picious." Mrs. Gra.T-crcy: "So the new bridso rules aro not any better than the old ones?" Mrs,. Park: "No, indeed—l loss as much money as ever."

Manners: "What's Brown looking so frightened about?" Miller: "He just got Cardiff on his wireless, and he owes a man living there ten bob." Teacher: "Who describe a caterpillar?" Tommy: "1 can, teacher. Teacher: "Well, Tommy, what is it" Tommy: "An upholstered worm.""I havo a book you ought to road, rpy dear. Shall I lend it to you ?" "Heavens, no, darlihg. I can't even End time to read all tho books I ought not to." "My brother takes up Spanish, French, English, Italian, German and Scotch." "Goodness, when does ibe study?" "Study? Ho doesn't study—he runs a lift." "Why is little Geraldino crying?" "Because sno can't have ai holiday. 1 ' "And why can't the poor dear have a holiday ?" "Because she doesn't go to school yet." Wife: "Doesn't it seem strange, John, that after all these years I've never thought of a pet name for you 1" Husband {meekly) r "Yes. dear—why not 'Job'?" Driver: "My car doesn't take tho curves readily; I wish you would locate the trouble." Mechanic: " Nine eas<>s out of ten, tho trouble is back of the steering wheel." - ' r " Yes," observed tho bright young lad, " I had a ripping time in Italy. In one place I met the prettiest girl I've seen tor many a day." "Genoa?" "No, but I joily soon did." Spring Poet: "Dash it, I can't find that new sonnet of mine anywhere. Eustace must havo thrown it into tho fire." His Wife: "Don't be absurd, Algernon, The child can't read." Guide (showing party round ancient castle): " This is the moat. Would anyone like to ask a question ?" Inquisitive Tourist: "Yes. How on earth could a chap get one of those in his eye?" Mr. Levy took little A bio to the movies and purchased only ope ticket. " Y'ou must have a ticket tor your son," said the doorman. "Mister," Levy, "I gif you my word as a gentlemen he von't look."- 0 A fond mother was exhibiting her fashionable flapper daughter to the new rector. "My daughter, ' 6he said, " could dress herself when She was but three yaars old. " Well—er—do you think," askea the rector, shyly, " that her ability in that direction will ever return?" At a local celebration at which the bishop of the diocese and the leading nonconformist minister of the town were present, the mayor was so delighted with this fusion of forces that he exclaimed: " What I says, gentlemen, is this: If a man's 'eart is in the right place, it don't matter what sex he belongs to.'" Mr, Conkerton, who had an irrepressible habit of boasting, was holding forth. "Yes," he said, "I was hanging on the buffers and the train was going at 70 miles an hour. My arms grew tired, mv hands slipped, and I remember saying as my head struck the rails " "Hard liues!" remarked a quiet little man. A small boy at a ga:rdon party looked longingly at the ice cream stall which Stood beneath the shade of a copper beech. Before he had time to make up Tfis mind Ke was joined by another six-year-old. 4 1 shouldn't have any of thoso icfls if I were you," said tho newcomer. V I've had seven and they're rotten !"