ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXII, Issue 19169, 7 November 1925, Page 3 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

"Can you fight':" "No." "Come on, then, you scoundrel!" She: "What an unusual expression you have on your face." He: "I was thinking." " Are you seeking work here?" " No, ■ I came to see if you require a secretary." " Something is preying on Dick's mind." " Don't worry, it will die of starvation." From a boy's essay: "The Sphinx is a woman with a great head. She hasn't talked for 3000 years." It's funny that you should be so tall. Your brother, the artist, is short, isn't he?" "Yes, usually." Credit Customer: "I'm not the worst liar in town." Merchant: "On the contrary, you are the best." " Ho thinks I'm the nicest gir! in town. Shall I ask him to call?" " No; let him keep on thinking so!" Nervous Suitor: "D-d-do you ever think of me, Miss Madge?" Madge: " Yes, but I'd hate to tell you what. He: "It looks like rain. Shall I take of! my coat and put it round vou ?" She: "Don't trouble to take it off." Teacher: " Now, yon must prove to me that tho earth is round." Pupil: " Why? I never said that it was." " I adore crying children." " How extraordinary. Why?" "Because they'ra always taken from the room immediately." She: "You drive awfully fast, don't you?" He: " Yes, I hit seventy yesterday." She: " Did you kill any of them?" Robert: "We know each other pretty well now. Why don't you call me Bob, Betty," Betty: " Because you're baldheaded. " "Oh ! Are you really a mind-reader ?" "Yes! I am." "Then I hope you aren't offended. I didn't mean what I thought about you." Lady Patient: " Oh, doctor, I'm so very queer! What shall Ido ? I feel I hardly wish to Jive, so I thought I'd send for you." He: "Yes, once I loved a girl and she made a fool out of me." She (a tri3a bored): " My, what a lasting impressioa some girls make." X: ** Funny that Brow as should have such an aversion to borrowing, isn't it Y: "Yes. How much did he induce von to force upon him V The Girl: " Oh, don't some people get offensive when they own a car ?" The Man: "Well, some certainly do get a habit of running other people down." Magistrate: "Have you anything to say, prisoner, before sentence is passed upon you?" Prisoner: "No, your worship; except that it takes very little to ' please me I" She: " Now, my dearest, won't you buy me a new piano for a birthday present?" He: " But, my darling, wouldn't it be a pity to play your old pieces on a new piano ?" Uncle: " Well, you little rascal, how manv times have you been whacked at school to-day ?" Tommy: " Dunno, uncle. I don't take any notice oi what goes on behind my back." "V First Actress: M You say your brother has an impediment in his speech, and yet he is deaf and dumb?" Second Ditto: "Yes. You see, he was in an accident and lost two fingers." A girl met an artist friend in the street one day. "I hear you are giving up your studio," she said. "Oh!" he exclaimed, '"that's news to me. Who told you?" "Your landlord." Hostess (at dance): "What have you and Arthur being doing outside all this time?" Dolly: "Oh, he showed me some new steps." " "But I thought he didn't dance." "He doesn't. We sat on them." Tlie stockbroker was very ill and at times delirious. In one of his lucid moments he asked the nurse what the last reading had shown his temperature to be. "One hundred and one," replied the nurse. "Good," said the patient. "When it gets to 101' i selL" "This half-crown—" began a. restaurant cashier, scrutinising a coin handed to him. "Is bad, eh ?" interrupted the sour-look-ing customer. "Well, it doesn't look very good!" "Indeed? Bite it, and if it's anything like the dinner I've just had it will taste even worse than it looks!" A well-known actor was playing to a crowded house, but was frequently interrupted by the squalling of a child in the gallery. At last the noise grew so unbearable that the actor abandoned hi# lines and said: "Ladies and gentlemen, unless this play is stopped the child cannot possibly go on!" For three hours the clergyman had been paiued by the free and unprovoked language of his train companion. Then the talkative stranger alighted, and was halfway across the platform when the preache? called him back, shouting that he haj® left something behind. " What is i«< the stranger asked. " A very unpleasant . impression," was the reply. Two little girls were coining home from school when one began to tease the other. "I don't care, ' said Maggie. "You are only an adopted child. Your father and mother are not rsaily yours." "I don't care, either," retorted Bessie. "My papa and mamma picked me out. Yours had to take you just as you came." Jones was a chemist, and whim his wife ran awav with another man he inserted the following advertisement m the local paper:—"This is to notify the who so kindly relieved me of my wite that I can supply him with bandages, arnica, healing absorbent cotton, iodine, sleeping powdeis and crutches at rock-bottom prices. He hi d just returned from a seaside holidav looking brown and radiant, lo the astonishment of his he asked f,-r a few extra days, ,VV h>> you ve only just had your fortnight's holiday want to spoil my holiday.