SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXII, Issue 19169, 7 November 1925, Page 3 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

JUST ONE ESSENTIAL. "You have a fair memory, a great capacity for learning, a large bump of veneration and a well-developed head generally," said the phrenologist. "And is there anything eke?" asked the youth under examination, in the exuberance of his joy, " that my head needs to make it absolutely perfect?" " Yes," answered the professor, "it—er —needs a shampoo." WHAT THE CRITIC SAID. A young man who fancied himself as an artist bestowed a great deal of time and care on the production cf a picture representing a cow grazing in a field. He showed it to a great painter in order to ascertain his opinion of its merits. The latter, after looking it over for a minute or two, handed it back to his visitor saying, " The ship is not so bad, but you've made the sea much too green." AN EAR FOR SCANDAL. A young lady visiting her aunt in the country came in late one afternoon. "Where in the world have you been ?" asked her aunt. "In the hammock all the afternoon," she replied, "with my beloved Robert Browning." The aunt eyed her sternly. Then she said: "If I hear oi any more scandalous proceedings I shall certainly write to your mother." HARD TO PLEASE. The rather ferocious-looking husband who had taken his wife to the seaside scowled at an amateur photographer and rumbled in a threatening bass voice: \ "What d'ye mean, photographin' my wife? I saw ye when ye done it." The man addressed replied, gently: "You're mistaken, really! I wouldn't think of doing such a thing." "Ye wouldn't, eh ?" said the husband, still savagely. "And why not? She's the handsomest woman on the beach." ONE MORE WANTED. The experienced motorist was crawling carefully through a well-known "trap" in Kent when he saw the village constable making imperative signs to him to stop. "Look here," said the motorist, "I wasn't exceeding the speed limit;." "I know that sir," said the policeman with a diffident cough, "but, you see, I've got three chaps in the station for reckless driving, and they sent me out to look for a fourth for a game of bridge." TROUBLESOME CUSTOMERS. A grocer was very much worried by people coming into his shop merely to ask the time. He decided to stop the nuisance and asked a traveller to supplyhim with a clock. Upon receiving it he placed it in a conspicuous part of the. window. When next the traveller came he inquired if the timepiece had had the desired effect. "Well, not quite," answered the grocer sorrowfully. "The people come in now to ask if the clock is right!" A DISGRACEFUL AFFAIR. Rip: "I haven't seen Dashit for a month! " Grip: " No; he hasn't been out of the house since his accident." Rip: " Oh, was he seriously injured ? " Grip: " No, but he feels the disgrace keenly." Rip: "Disgrace?" Grip: "Yes, just think after living in the heart of London all his life, he went to the country for a day's holiday and was run over by a hay cart! " "NOT A CHICKEN." A certain surgeon who is very young and also rather shy was invited to a dinner party given bv a woman who is at least fifty," but frivolous enough for twenty. At dinner she asked the surgeon to carve a chicken, and, not having done so before, he failed miserably. Instead of trying to cover confusion, the hostess called attention _ to it by looking Sown the table and saying, loudly: "Well, you may be a clever surgeon, but if I wanted a leg cut off I should not come to you to dp it." "No," he replied, politely, "but then, you are not a chicken." SEVEN DAUGHTERS ENOUGH. A lecture was given recently oil the evil of great wealth. In the audience was a man known to the lecturer. The man was the father of seven girls, and the lecturer pointed to him as an example. "Think." said the lecturer, "of being the proud father of seven daughters. Think who is the happier, the man with a hundred thousand pounds or the man who is the father of seven daughters. "I will ask you, Mr. Sheldon, who do you think is the happier?" pointing to the subject of his argument. The man arose and said: "Well, sir, I think that a man with seven is the happier —a man with money worries for more: a man with seven daughters never docs." > THE SIMPLE WAY. The man who dashed into the policestation at half-past two in thejmorning looked as if he had been having~a nightmare. "My wife!" he gasped. "I want you to find my wife! Been missing since eight this evening! Oh, find her for me!" "What's her description?" asked a sergeant. "Height?'' "I—l don't know!" "Weight?" The husband shook his head vaguely. "Colour of eyes 1" "Er—average, I expect." "Do you know how she was dressed ?" "I expect she wore her coat and hat. She took the dog with her." " What kind of a dog?" "Brindle bull-terrier, weight fourteen and a-half pounds, four dark blotches on his body, shading from grey into white. Round, blackish spot over the left eye, white stub of a tail, three white legs, and right front leg brindled, all but the toes. A small nick in his left ear, a silver link collar, with—" "That'll do!" gasped the sergeant. "We'll find the dog!" THAT HOMELY FEELING. A smile crossed the waiter's face as he glanced toward' a certain table where a patron had just seated himself. "Yes, sir?" he inquired politely, going up to the table. "I'll have a steak and chips," remarked the customer, "and you might bring me a roll." "Yes, sir. And would you like chops and peas as well?" _ "No, thank you." "Roast beef, then, sir? Or perhaps a little cold ham?" "No, no! Just steak and potatoes." "Well, how about a nice lobster with that steak, sir?" "No." "I can recommend " began the waiter, but got no farther. The proprietor had heard the whole conversation, and, with an angry exclamation, he beckoned the waiter to his side. "What do you mean/; he said, "tormenting that customer in such an outrageous manner ?" . . "Tormenting him, sir?" queried t e waiter. "I was only trying to make him feel at home. He's a barber, sir.