ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXI, Issue 18885, 6 December 1924, Page 3 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Why is the letter A like honeysuckle Because there is a B after it. The Skipper: "This boat makes fifteen knots an hour." -The Girl: "Who unties them He: "What do you girls do at afternoon teas?" She: "Giggle, gabble, gobble, and git." "Is he a close friend of yours?" "He is. I've never been able to borrow a penny from him.", "In Hawaii they have the same weather all the year round." "How do their conversations start "What are you drawing, Freddie?" "A dog." "But where's its tail?" "Oh, that's still in the inkpot!" Tourist at Niagara: "Aire we near the falls yet?" Guide: "Yes, sir. As soon as the ladies stop talking you will hear the roar." v " Teacher: "Why, Willie, when I was your age. I did sums twice ss hard as these." Willie: "Perhaps you had abetter > teacher, sir." Miss Young: "In Turkey a woman doesn't know her husband until after she's '. married him." Mrs. Wed: Why mention Turkey especially "I'm going to get a divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me for six months." "Better be careful. You'll never get another wife like that." ; "Haven't I made you what you are ?" asked the wife, proudly. "Darling," I answered the husband, "have I ever V reproached you for it?" "Is this colour fast . and: . really genuine?" "As genuine as the roses on your cheeks, madam." "H'm! Er— show me something else." - • Mutt: "And your friend really married his typiste? How do they get on?" Jeff: "Oh, same as ever! When he dictates to her she takes him down." , Parishioner: "Isn't it rather difficult to officiate at a double wedding ?" Cleric: "Not at all. After all, it's only just putting two and two together." "I think she intends to marry again. _ It will be the third time she has been led to the altar." "Led ? Why, she could find her why there blindfolded!" Business Man (engaging girl): "I hope you're not the kind of girl who. is everlastingly looking at the clock?" . Girl: "Oh, no, sir. I've a wrist watch." . "Well, our vegetarian friend lias been true to his principles." "What has he done now?" "Haven't you heard? He has just run away with a grass widow." Mother: "Jean, every time you are a naughty girl you give me a grey hair." Jean: "Well, mother, what a" bad girl " you must have been! Look at Grannie's hair!" \ , Sue: "How would you say in Shakespearean English, "Here comes* a bowlegged man?" Lou: "Behold! Aha! What is this I see walking in parentheses." \ . i "Charley, did you hear that joko about the Egyptian guide who showed some i tourists two skulls of Cleopatra—one as I a girl and one as a woman?" "No, let's hear it." r , F "Any hick on your fishing * trip, old 1 man?". "Very little. ,■ Ifffisth t go in - schools, they always seem to be playing truant or having a holiday 'when I go after them." ',; Ethel: "Tom didn't blow out his brains when you rejected him last night, j Ho came round and proposed to me." Ella: "Well, dear, he must have got rid ® of them some other way." r "Phwat are thim buckets for on the '* shilf in the hall?" asked one Irishman „ of another. "Can't ye read It says on them: 'For Fire Only'." "Thin why do e they put wather in thim ?" The young husband could ,eat no more of his wife's dinner. "That's a pity," she said, "for if you don't I shall have to give it to the dog!" "Yes, it is a pity—it's such a nice dog!" • >f -— : a A miser caught a fly, put it into the i- sugar-basin, and shut down the lid. "What i- is that for?" asked a bystander. "Hush!" whispered the miser; " I want to know if id the servants steal my sugar." . ;e . ... y Mr. Smith (to wife, who had been to ie see the doctor) "But why are -you so is angry with the doctor, dear Mrs. . 's Smith: "Why, I told him I was tired, and he asked to see my tongue!".Amos Hitchup: "Jim, I've fetched my new wife up fer to have her pictur' took." Village Photographer: "Full length or bust?" "The null full length. If the machine busts I'll pay fer it." y "William the Conqueror," read the j small boy from his history book, "landed r in England in A.D. 1066." "What does A.D. stand for?" inquired the teacher, t "Why, 'after dark,' of course," was the ;o repb'He: "For the last hour I have been watching for a chance to steal a kiss from you." She: "Indeed! Perhaps I had better give you one of my brother's cards." "Why, what do you mean?" 3 " "He's an oculist." is !" "Look here," he. said. "I'm going to leave. I've never seen such dirty towels t in my life, and I can never find any soap." j "But. you've got a tongue in your head," was the landlady's curt reply. "Yes," v "but I'm not a cat.." Tom: "What makes you think she i doesn't like you?" Dan: "She told me ' she thought there was a fool in every v family." "Well, what of that?" "I had told her a moment before that I was an only child." A sporting host who was unable to go out armed a guest with a gun and a 1 bag of ferrets. Tho guest came back - beaming. "Grand sport," he said. "Have , you any more of those squirrel things ? . I've shot the lot you gave me." t — f The traveller seated himself at a table a in a wayside inn. Suddenly he felt drops of rain falling on his head. "What s t the matter with the roof, waiter ? ' he b asked. "Is it always like this ?". "No, » t sir," replied the waiter; "only when it - rains!" ' An old farmer was recently _ induced to try his hand at golf. On his return ■» from the links he was asked for his impression on the game. "Wed, he said, "sometimes it were like hoeing _ weeds, and sometimes it were- like digging for worms." ' "I -was afraid my sermon last Sunday . would annoy some of my people, but it . didn't," said the vicar. hat y. as your . subject?" asked his friend. The t Duplicity of the Average Man, and I ; spoke pretty plainly. "You coul n tread on any corns that .way. E%ery [ man considers himself above the average. ' She was anxious to find out where her ; husband was, so she rang up a club to , which he belonged. "Is n,y teb.nd there?" she asked the hall porter m - madam." "But I haven't even tdd you my name," said the astonished wofflan- - , "That's all right, madam, said ®Jjj, . creet porter) 'nobody s husband ■ here." .