SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXI, Issue 18885, 6 December 1924, Page 3 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

ALL VERY WELL. The camera man went to Africa for a big-game photograph. One of his companions was chased by a lion. As he flew lie heard a shout and looked hopefully toward the thicket whence the sound came. But it was the cameraman, who came forth with his camera raised. "Hold on, there," he shouted angrily. "Slower! You're too far ahead. I can't get you both in." RESPECT TO ROYALTY. The following story is told of a ceremony at which the King and Queen were present, and at which the local Mayor and Mayoress assisted. Their Majesties signed the register, first the King, then the Mayor, and then the Queen, who, of course, signed "Mary R." Tbe Mayoress, who followed, evidently thought it would be a lack of respect to put her full name, for she signed "Ethel A." THE AWFUL PRINTER AGAIN. In a recent number of the Musical Times, Mr. Alexander Brent Smith introduced a few humorous illustrations from printers' errors. The following seems to be new— "A father lamenting the loss to his home of his daughter was made to say, 'It was the bridge-room stole her from me.' instead of 'It was the bridegroom stole her from me.' " A TUNNEL DISASTER. In a recent railway disaster considerable damage was done. But there was one man among the passengers who kept his outward calm. " You must have been in this sort of thing before," said the doctor to him. "Oh, yes," replied the man; "I was in a much worse disaster a year ago." " Tell me about it." said the doctor. " I kissed the wrong girl in a tunnel," answered the man. ETIQUETTE OF THE SEA. An Atlantic liner was coming into Southampton, and in the way was a grimy little coal barge. " Clear out of the way with that dirty old barge," shouted an officer. A weather-beaten face appeared over the cabin hatchway, and said : " Are you the captain of that vessel ?" " No," answered the officer. " Then speak to your equals. I'm captain of this." A GOOD WALKER. Pat and Mike went for a walk. Pat, who was the shorter of the two, could not keep up with Mike's long strides, and after a while began to get very tired and out of breath. "Sure, Mike," lie exclaimed, "do. ye always walk as fast as this?" "Yes," replied Mike, "and faster than this when Oi'm by meself." "Indade!" exclaimed Pat. "Sure, and I! wouldn't like to be walking with ye whin ye're by yerself, Mike." WONDERFUL AMERICA. "Our theatres," said ,the American, "are much larger than yours." "Oh, but we have some very big ones," replied the Englishman. "At Drurv Lane, for instance, if a man threw an egg from the back of the stalls it would probably fall short into the orchestra." "Indeed?" said the American. "Now if a man threw an egg from the back of the stalls in our biggest theatre it would hatch out .before it got near the orchestra." . A RELIGIOUS EXAMINER. A little girl returned home to her parents, after sitting for htr school musical examination. They asked her how she had got on. "Very well, I think," she answered. "What was the examiner like?" "Quite a nice man—and so religious." "Religious! How could you tell?" "In the middle of one of my pieces he put his head in his hands and said, 'Oh, lieavens! Oh, heavens!' very reverently." IT WAS HIS MOVE. They were the only two occupants oi the compartment, and one of them, a surly-looking man, had opened the win dow, despite the protests of his com' panion. At length the aggrieved one removec himself to the other side of the carriage and threw open the window. The surlj man shivered in the blast. " Here," hi said,' " what's the game?" "This ii draughts," replied the other, " and it': your move." "PINCH THE BABY." Jacob had taken his wife and four-months-old baby to the local theatre. Dur ing the first act of the performance the baby started howling, whereupon an at tendant came up and said that, if thej could not keep the baby quiet, they woulc have to leave the theatre, and their money would be returned. After the beginning of the third act, Jacob found the show rather boring, sc he turned to his wife and said, "Rachel, pinch the baby." HE WASN'T WORRIED. News had reached the village of Forksville, in Arkansas that a motor-bus plying between Bunipton and Gush Hollow had gone over the side of a cliff with all on board. It was also known in Forksville that the wife vi the much henpecked Bud Blodgett was travelling to Gusli Hollow by bus. * An interested villager called on Bud. " Ain't ve worried 'bout, ver wife. Bud?" he asked. "Well," replied Bud, " I was for a while, but her cousin in Bumpton just called up an' said she saw Sal git on the bus with her own eyes." THE JUDGE AND THE FISH. While two Hebrew litigants disputed about the merits or otherwise of a consignment of fish in a recent Court case, Lord Darling remarked to counsel: "Mr. Blank, I don't follow this. Your last witness distinctly spoke of one barrel of fish. Now this witness speaks of a largo number of barrels." Counsel: "My Lord, that is so. The last witness spoke of the one barrel which he selected for examination and testing, but the whole consignment which we are complaining of was 100 barrels." The Judge: "Ah, I see." And then, sotto voce, as lie bent over his notes: "The further the case goes the more» 'fishy' it becomes." HOW IT WAS DONE. The health authorities of a certain city, receiving word that, a house in the foreign quarter was becoming offensive to passersby, sent two of its inspectors to investigate. Led on by a strong odour and a puzzling medley of noises, they climbed a narrow precipitous stairway to a largo attic, where they found a family of seven, a flock of chickens, two pigs, and—could their eyes be deceiving them ? —a fullgrown cow. They stared in amazement at the cow and at the two-foot-wide stairs. " How—how did you get it up here? ! one of them asked. The answer was perfectly obvious. Said the man of the house, with a shrug, V« brought her up ven »he vas a call I"