SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXI, Issue 18861, 8 November 1924, Page 3 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

A HAT STORY. The heroine of so many theatrical sue- ( cesses, Miss Margaret Bannerman, is telling a good story of her earlier days. The wife of a man in the company o. which Miss Bannerman was also a member bought a new hat. When she told her husband that it cost three pounds, ho exclaimed, " It's a sin! " Never mind," said the wife. It will be on my head." ENGAGING A LAWYER. An American lawyer was sitting at his desk one day when a Chinaman entered. "You lawyer?" he asked. "Yes. What can I do for you ?" " You good lawyer. "I hope so." "How much you charge, if one Chinaman killum nother Chinaman, to get him off ?" "Oh, about 500 dollars to defend a person accused of murder." Some days later the Chinaman returned and banged down 500 dollars on the lawyer s desk. "All light," he said, "I kill um. limits of patience. The new play was wretchedly bad, but despite the disapproving noises from the rest of the audience, a young man in the stalls sat quietly through two acts of it. "Why don't you hiss, too?" asked his neighbour, during an interval. "I can't veiy well do that," explained the other. "You see, I'm here on a free ticket; but, by George, if this next act . isn't any better I'll R° ou t aR ® buy my- j '•self a seat so that I can join in with you." WHY SF'E COULDN'T COME. A woman who wjjs going to Egypt had to be inoculated against typhoid. She was unable ,to keep a dinner appointment she had made for the next day, and sent her daughter, aged eight, to make her excuses. i i j "And what did you say? she asked the child on her return. , "Exactly what you told me," was the reply. "I said: ■* Mummy can't come because she was intoxicated yesterday and has a bad headache.'"

"NOT NECESSARILY." "Have you noticed," Mr. George Robey remarked recently, "the many peculiar ways Americans have of acknowledging an introduction ? One gentleman from New Orleans, in shaking hands with me for the first time, told 1 me, 'I'm amused to know you!' "A New Yorker, when introduced, said, 'I'm glad to have you know me,' while the remark of a third man from the land of the Stars and Stripes was, 'I'm obliged to know you!' to which I couldn't help retorting, 'Not necessarily!' A FRIENDLY RIVAL. George was a boxer, and his father was very anxious to learn the result of his I first big fight. He made the boy promise that a wire should be sent to him as soon as the contest was over. "You won t disappoint me, George ?" he said. J\°* *■ promise," replied George, and sallied forth to the fray. . The father waited impatiently until the telegram boy appeared. Eagerly he seized the envelope and tore it open. It was signed "Bill Bruiser," and ran: George would wire if he could. But he can t.

LIKE MANY OTHERS. The piano-tuner found the instrument in eooa condition and not in the least in need of attention. A few days later his employer received a letter from the owner of the piano stating that she did not think it had been tuned properly. After being reprimanded by his employer the tuner made another trip, and again tested every note of the instrument only to find no fault. This time he told the owner so. "Yes, she said, it certainly seems all right now, but as soon as I begin to sing it gets all out of tune.

COMPUMENTARY, Two men were sitting opposite one another in a Tube train Presently one of them produced a notebook and proceeded to make a sketch of the other \ After he had completed the drawing he closed the book and put it m his

'man opposite was both interested and gratified by this attention, and, lean?ng forward, said: "I presume you are an artist, sir?" lfT , . "No," replied the other. I m not exactly an artist. I'm a designer of door-knockers."

GUNN LOADED WITH DRINK. The Police Court was thronged with eae er spectators. The case was one in which a man was charged with having been drunk and disorderly m the mam thoroughfare of the town. The name of tb S STThu"" STcWer inquired Gunn was loaded with drink. Your Worship," answered the constable. | "I wish to be let off. sir." pleaded the wretched man. "Gunn, you charged, but don't get loaded aga\n, the magistrate told him. And the report was in the papers next day.

▲ PASTORAL PARADOX. When a well-known peer was brought b'efora the Lord Chancellor to be examined kbn the application for a statute of lunacy against him, the question was asked him from the Woolsack: "How many legs has "Does your lordship," 1 " answered the peer, "mean a live sheep, or a < d«a sheep ?" "Is it not the same thing ? said the Chancellor. "No, my lord, was the answer, "there Is much difference; a live sheep may have four less, a dead sheep has only two; the two forelegs are shoulders, but there ar© only two legs of mutton!" WONDERFUL LONDON! A Welshman was spending a holiday In London for the first time. Walking through a fashionable street, he noticed on a door the words, "Please ring the bell." Taffy rang the bell. In a minute a footman appeared and asked him what he wanted. "Nothing," said the Welsh"Then why did yon ring the bell asked the footman. "Because it said so, replied the Welshman. "Oh," said the footman, with a smile, "I see you come from the country, where nanny-goats grow on gooseberry bushes "Yes," said the Welshman; " b "t m London there are more wonderful sights. You have only to ring the bell and a monkey pops out." THE VERY THING! Morning, noon and night, agents for this and canvassers for that werecalhnK on the harassed business man until at last they became the bane of Ms 1 , and he did not know which way to turn to avoid them. When the two hundred and twenty-fifth traveller was announced he went off the deep end. ■ "Good Gracious! Whatever next. he roared, as the man and bag, with beaming smile and Hail, Mlow, well met!" manner, was shown into his room. "Confound you, sir! roaredthe business man, jumping to his feet. You book agents make me so crazv with your colossal nerve and impudence that I simply fi n d words to express myself! "Just so, a ™ red very a whit perturbed. Then lam th y man you want. I am travelling for the tow Uieat thing to dictionaries.