ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXI, Issue 18861, 8 November 1924, Page 3 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Doctor t " Have you any organic trouble?" Patient: " No; I'm not very musical."

" Why did you lose your case ?" " Because my lawyer, like necessity, knows no law." o

" I now feel that I am at the end of my troubles," said the optimist. "Which end V asked the pessimist.

Peter: " Did you see much poverty in merica?" Paul: "Yes; and I brought line of it back with me!"

Next to getting married herself, a woman likes to see somebody else get married. It increases her chances by one.

" So young Burton is succeeding as a >et?" "Yes. I understand that a great any persons think he has no inferior."

Beggar: " E{ave you a copper you can spare!" Carleton: "Yes; you will find him in the kitchen, making love to the cook."

Manager (to new stage hand): K Now, then, run up the curtain." Stage hand:, " What do yer take me for? A blessed squirrel ?"

Passenger (trying to make conversation, in Scottish Express): " Er—a—very long, tiring journey this ?" "So it ocht to be at the price!"

Bride of a Year (weeping): You used to say I was sweet enough to eat. Groom of the Same Period: " Yes, and I wish I had eaten you."

"How poes it, Joe?" " Nothing but work, work, work. Fin fed up with it ! "When did you. start the job!" "I m beginning next week."

X.: " Jones referred to me as an old fool. I don't think that sort of thing right-do you?" Y.: "No. Why, yon can't be much over forty."

" Now, look 'ere, young man," said tha pork-butcher to the artist. " I want you to paint my picture so as I know it's me, but nobody else couldn't tell."

Guest (in a cheap restaurant): "Hera waiter, this serviette is dirty." Waiter: "Beg pardon, sir. No, sir; -it merely got folded the wrong way, sir." ,

Advertising does not always bring success. -Jones advertised V>r * wife, and ob< tained one, and now he cannot say anything too mean about advertising.

" It is a nice suit," admitted the pros-perous-looking citizen. " I paid fourteen guineas, for it last year. And if you don't believe me, I'll show you the summons."

" That wretch next door threw a stone through the window while I was playing a Russian piece on the p ano. Smy fellow! Now he will hear you all thd plainer!"

She '(after, spending the evening with neighbours): "I think the Smythes art an ideal couple—they think alike aboul everything." He: " Yes, but I notice shd always thinks first."

" I suppose you are gettin' a good fee, doctor, for attendin' the Smith boy? Hi* father's rich." " Well, yes. Why ? " Well, I hope you won't forget that my little Ted threw "the brick that hit him."

Tourist: "Bother! We've climbed to the top of this mountain to sea the view and we've forgotten the glasses." Scottish Guide: " Och! Never mind, there's no* body aboot. We can just drink oot o' the bottle." " I understand your friend Meeker is a lecturer?" remarked the druggist. Hd was before his marriage," , replied the doctor. " And what is he now ? Mked the inquisitive pill compiler. ' ,the audience!" " Yes, no one has looked after me. lika my wife. Why, I can assure you thera have been evenings when she has taken oH my boots for me." " Ah! When yon come from the. v club ?" No—when I want to go there."

" Did you get home aE right last night, si]-?" said the tram conductor. 'Of course —why not?" asked the passenger* '« Well, sir, when yon got np to give your seat to that lady you were the only two people in the car."

Mrs. Newlywed (discussing an old sweetheart with a friend): " And when yon told him I was married . . did he seem to be sorry t" " Yea—he wd he was very sorry, though he 'didn t know tfie man personally."

An old gentleman {wishing to test small boy's knowledge): "If yon had 12 oranges, and I gave yon one more, how many oranges would you have! Small boy: "I don't know, eir; do our sums m apples. ' ■> " I hope it's a nice .book, jpott •w® W®" ing, deaf." "Yes, did story, but I'm like it because of does it end ?" " and he has to go back to^hiSvjfifei "I hear you were judge at a baby>show, -yet if I have heard you say once, V have heard you say fifty times that all babies look alike to you.' They do. .TFhen how could you tell which was the prettiest baby ?" " I judged by the mothers. " How long is it going to take to get through with this case?" asked the client who was under suspicion of house-break-, ing "Well," replied the young hamster, thoughtfully, " it'll take me about twd weeks, but I'm afraid it's going to take you about four years." The minister had preached his farewell sermon and was standing at the door of the church wishing the members of hisflock good-bye. "Well, sir,' sad an old fanner, who meant well. " I can t say we shall miss your vacant chair, but we shall miss your vacant face 1" She had come back from Egypt with many souvenir of her trip. Ihis scarab," she said to her friends, bought from an Arab boy. He assured me he had stolen it himself during the excavations. I'm sure he was genuine about it—he had such an honest little face." Kitty had been naughty, and her father administered vigorous correction before setting oS for the city. That an impression had been made was apparent when, on his return from business in the evenine Kitty called upstairs with frigid politeness: "Mother, yonr husbands home." " Two-pennyworth of sodium bi-car-bonate for indigestion at this time of the nieht when a glass of hot water would 2 just as well!" cried the mtortrf chemist, who had been at 2 " Weel, weel, I thank ye for the advjw, and I'll no bother ye after all. night!" It was at a P"f°. tjpd a hefty couple floor. Said he and Colom bine took tl „ j th e v are who was watchmg: Smrather burly for Harlequ 6ai d , bine?" "Is " h ?VS£t it was aSSsA witness whc was B*^s the Dublin Conrte was obvionsg iyu>g 2d 22K 3d.d