ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXI, Issue 18711, 17 May 1924, Page 21 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

He: "I had a nightmare last night." She; " Yea, I saw v you ; with her!" :, f- j

"Now, about my obesity,.; doctor ?" ■' Diet." " And my grey hail.* ?" " Dye

" What makes ... you . think they're engaged?", " She has a ring and he's broke." •'

" Oh, yes, ray dear, he's got wireless eyes." " Wireless eyes " Yes, he's got a broad cast in them."

Denise: "He's wonderful, mv dear: lie talks like a book." Gladys:*" But can you-shut him up as easily V'

.« t I ate to play;against a hf.rd loser." ' I dunno. It s a darn sight letter than playing against an easy winner."

Teacher (to class in natural history): " What kind of birds are frequently kept m captivity?" Tommy: " Gaolbirds."

" The most interesting book I ever had was a cookery book "Ah, yes! Plenty of, stirring passages, I suppose!"

• The man -in the loud check : suit tied his serviette round his neck. The Waiter (under notice) "Haircut or shave, sir?"

Doctor "Put out your tongue—more than' that—all of it." Child r " Bat, doctor, I can't. It's fastened at the other end 1"

She: ''Do you always think of me?" He: "Well, not exactly always, but whenever I think, of anything I think of you."

Manager: " I hope you have been carefully brought up, my boy ?" , Boy. (seeking work): " Yus, sir. "I came up in tlia lift?" - .

Wail (after guest _ has rung for ten minutes): 3 * Did you -ring,, sir?" Gues;: " No! I was tolling; I thought you were dead!"'

"I hope your little boy never tells lies." " I don't know. Ido know that at times he . tells a lot of embarrassing truths.

It is a mistake to think that- nothing is' lost , through being polite. Anybody who has given up his seat in a tramcar knows that.

: Father: " But what's the use of having accounts ' with four tailors?" Son *'Well' you see, it makes : your bills so much smaller." " "

I "How could you tell that sharp-tongucd Mrs. Gabbins that she reminded you of a flower ?" ; "So she does, but : I didn't mention 'it was : a snapdragon."; >

"You have - only two or i.three buildings in this new town .of yours." "I know," responded the enthusiastic realtor, "but look at the parking space!"

: "You'd . better, lengthen your skirt, Marie." . "Why?" Men are apt to v mistake you for a little girl and try. to: take you on their laps." " Well " What did, : you say when Jack threatened to kiss you ?" >" I told him I'd like to see him." " And then ?" "Well, Jack always tries to do what I like." r - ' ' Visitor: " Is the manager in ??'. ; OfficeBoy "I am very sorry to say that he is not in." " Why are you sorry ?" .; • " Because it's against my conscience, to tell lies." ; . |i' Smithere:- "Mabel drives her car, so 'does " her dad, - aunt, mother, ij and two brothers:" Withers : . " 'Who has it most of ; the M time?" Smithers : : r " The ": garage man." ' ' ' ' • ' ' * ; **■> So . you let ; your old J, book-keeper go. What' was the trouble—couldn't he balance his • accounts "< > "He could. And so : well / that ; he I was - beginning 'i to juggle them J" ' Caller ."I .shall never ; ask Henry forhis advice - again." Hostess: " Why, - what's the matter ?" :- Caller: "He nev(jr thinks what I have made up 4 my ' mind to do is right." : ' ■ '

Policeman: " You mustn't - leave this heap of parcels \on the pavement "v. unattended, mum." r < Lady.: Shopper: "They are': not ' unattended; my husband i.l inside the heap." . '

' Dolly:' " Did you hear, dear, poor Mrs. Morrison ; was " taken most. . seriously . ill while ing ;on ; a new at "., Joan: " How frightfully . sad., ; What ' was it trimmed?with?" /, N ' • ' :. .

.- •■■■■•. :.: v- .- •, ■ ! Judge:: ". You are 1 charged with being a deserter,: having.: lui't your wife. Are the ! facts of * the case ' true?" Prisoner: " No, your Honour, I; am not a deserter. Just a refugee." /; "

' A judge threatened :to { fine a lawyer for (contempt of court. ; " I have expressed no contempt court," said the lawyer •" on . the ' contrary, I have / carefully concealed my feelings." : . '

; Beech "Why did you break: your engagement with that : school teacher ?'' Ash:. If. I failed ,to meet her every night she expected me to bring a written excuse signed by my mother. ;

;• He "Do you know what I admire most about you, beloved f No." • -"Your lovely., eyes." . -1 " And do you know what - I / admire most about yqu?"—" No. " Your exquisite taste." : ; \ -

I Doctor,: . ".Young man, - you owe your very, remarkable . recovery - to" your wife's tender care." The Patient: i:;" It's tin! of you to - tell ' me, . Doc. . I shall make out the cheque : to my ' wife." ; 5 J 1;!

: Daddy (winding up , a stern rebuke) t "Now you quite understand what I say?' Small ' Daughter: (unimpressed) : " Will you , broadcast ' it ; again, : daddy? I haven't quite got your wave-length." -;I

Doctor: Undoubtedly; you need mora exercisewhat ■■ :■ is ■■■ .■ _yout* • - occupation? Patient: "I'm a. piano , shifter." Doctor (recovering quickly) : - "Well— hereafter shift two at a tunß.

; Miss Vane: "Someone told .mo to-day that ' I was v the handsomest ' girl in the street." Miss Cute: " Oh, that's not incurable!" " "What do you mean 1'« " Your habit of talking ;to yourself."

Boarder: "I don't like the way you conduct your establishment. Ain't you never had a gentleman 6tayiu' here before V' Landlady: "Are you . a genueman 7" "I ~ sure am." " Then I never have." '

" You've got plenty of nerve. The idea of stealing my; chickens and then trying to sell them to me!" ' " Well, sail, I thought you'd pay a better price for chickens you'd raised yourself. - ' You'd know what you're buy-in'.".

English . Tourist: "Bother! Hera we have climbed 'to the top of this: mountain to see the view, ; and 'we've forgotten the glasses." Sandy, the guide: " Och! Never mind, there s nfiebuddy aboot. Wa I can just drink oofe o* the bottle." -

Stubb: " What's the trouble, old chap You look angry enough to fight. Penn: " Oh, I'm sizzling. It took me an hour to button up my-wife's dress at th* back, and . then I told 1 her a joke and she laughed so,much, that the buttons all flew off." . .; i-Little Bobby came prying ; Into the 11 house, rubbing the places where ho had .been ; butted by a pet sheep. "But what 5 did you do," his... mother demanded, "when the sheep knocked you down?" - I didn't do nothin'," Bobby declared pro-, r testingly. "I was gettin' up all the fcima."