ODDS AND ENDS.
He: "I had a nightmare last night." She; " Yea, I saw v you ; with her!" :, f- j
"Now, about my obesity,.; doctor ?" ■' Diet." " And my grey hail.* ?" " Dye
" What makes ... you . think they're engaged?", " She has a ring and he's broke." •'
" Oh, yes, ray dear, he's got wireless eyes." " Wireless eyes " Yes, he's got a broad cast in them."
Denise: "He's wonderful, mv dear: lie talks like a book." Gladys:*" But can you-shut him up as easily V'
.« t I ate to play;against a hf.rd loser." ' I dunno. It s a darn sight letter than playing against an easy winner."
Teacher (to class in natural history): " What kind of birds are frequently kept m captivity?" Tommy: " Gaolbirds."
" The most interesting book I ever had was a cookery book "Ah, yes! Plenty of, stirring passages, I suppose!"
• The man -in the loud check : suit tied his serviette round his neck. The Waiter (under notice) "Haircut or shave, sir?"
Doctor "Put out your tongue—more than' that—all of it." Child r " Bat, doctor, I can't. It's fastened at the other end 1"
She: ''Do you always think of me?" He: "Well, not exactly always, but whenever I think, of anything I think of you."
Manager: " I hope you have been carefully brought up, my boy ?" , Boy. (seeking work): " Yus, sir. "I came up in tlia lift?" - .
Wail (after guest _ has rung for ten minutes): 3 * Did you -ring,, sir?" Gues;: " No! I was tolling; I thought you were dead!"'
"I hope your little boy never tells lies." " I don't know. Ido know that at times he . tells a lot of embarrassing truths.
It is a mistake to think that- nothing is' lost , through being polite. Anybody who has given up his seat in a tramcar knows that.
: Father: " But what's the use of having accounts ' with four tailors?" Son *'Well' you see, it makes : your bills so much smaller." " "
I "How could you tell that sharp-tongucd Mrs. Gabbins that she reminded you of a flower ?" ; "So she does, but : I didn't mention 'it was : a snapdragon."; >
"You have - only two or i.three buildings in this new town .of yours." "I know," responded the enthusiastic realtor, "but look at the parking space!"
: "You'd . better, lengthen your skirt, Marie." . "Why?" Men are apt to v mistake you for a little girl and try. to: take you on their laps." " Well " What did, : you say when Jack threatened to kiss you ?" >" I told him I'd like to see him." " And then ?" "Well, Jack always tries to do what I like." r - ' ' Visitor: " Is the manager in ??'. ; OfficeBoy "I am very sorry to say that he is not in." " Why are you sorry ?" .; • " Because it's against my conscience, to tell lies." ; . |i' Smithere:- "Mabel drives her car, so 'does " her dad, - aunt, mother, ij and two brothers:" Withers : . " 'Who has it most of ; the M time?" Smithers : : r " The ": garage man." ' ' ' ' • ' ' * ; **■> So . you let ; your old J, book-keeper go. What' was the trouble—couldn't he balance his • accounts "< > "He could. And so : well / that ; he I was - beginning 'i to juggle them J" ' Caller ."I .shall never ; ask Henry forhis advice - again." Hostess: " Why, - what's the matter ?" :- Caller: "He nev(jr thinks what I have made up 4 my ' mind to do is right." : ' ■ '
Policeman: " You mustn't - leave this heap of parcels \on the pavement "v. unattended, mum." r < Lady.: Shopper: "They are': not ' unattended; my husband i.l inside the heap." . '
' Dolly:' " Did you hear, dear, poor Mrs. Morrison ; was " taken most. . seriously . ill while ing ;on ; a new at "., Joan: " How frightfully . sad., ; What ' was it trimmed?with?" /, N ' • ' :. .
.- •■■■■•. :.: v- .- •, ■ ! Judge:: ". You are 1 charged with being a deserter,: having.: lui't your wife. Are the ! facts of * the case ' true?" Prisoner: " No, your Honour, I; am not a deserter. Just a refugee." /; "
' A judge threatened :to { fine a lawyer for (contempt of court. ; " I have expressed no contempt court," said the lawyer •" on . the ' contrary, I have / carefully concealed my feelings." : . '
; Beech "Why did you break: your engagement with that : school teacher ?'' Ash:. If. I failed ,to meet her every night she expected me to bring a written excuse signed by my mother. ;
;• He "Do you know what I admire most about you, beloved f No." • -"Your lovely., eyes." . -1 " And do you know what - I / admire most about yqu?"—" No. " Your exquisite taste." : ; \ -
I Doctor,: . ".Young man, - you owe your very, remarkable . recovery - to" your wife's tender care." The Patient: i:;" It's tin! of you to - tell ' me, . Doc. . I shall make out the cheque : to my ' wife." ; 5 J 1;!
: Daddy (winding up , a stern rebuke) t "Now you quite understand what I say?' Small ' Daughter: (unimpressed) : " Will you , broadcast ' it ; again, : daddy? I haven't quite got your wave-length." -;I
Doctor: Undoubtedly; you need mora exercisewhat ■■ :■ is ■■■ .■ _yout* • - occupation? Patient: "I'm a. piano , shifter." Doctor (recovering quickly) : - "Well— hereafter shift two at a tunß.
; Miss Vane: "Someone told .mo to-day that ' I was v the handsomest ' girl in the street." Miss Cute: " Oh, that's not incurable!" " "What do you mean 1'« " Your habit of talking ;to yourself."
Boarder: "I don't like the way you conduct your establishment. Ain't you never had a gentleman 6tayiu' here before V' Landlady: "Are you . a genueman 7" "I ~ sure am." " Then I never have." '
" You've got plenty of nerve. The idea of stealing my; chickens and then trying to sell them to me!" ' " Well, sail, I thought you'd pay a better price for chickens you'd raised yourself. - ' You'd know what you're buy-in'.".
English . Tourist: "Bother! Hera we have climbed 'to the top of this: mountain to see the view, ; and 'we've forgotten the glasses." Sandy, the guide: " Och! Never mind, there s nfiebuddy aboot. Wa I can just drink oofe o* the bottle." -
Stubb: " What's the trouble, old chap You look angry enough to fight. Penn: " Oh, I'm sizzling. It took me an hour to button up my-wife's dress at th* back, and . then I told 1 her a joke and she laughed so,much, that the buttons all flew off." . .; i-Little Bobby came prying ; Into the 11 house, rubbing the places where ho had .been ; butted by a pet sheep. "But what 5 did you do," his... mother demanded, "when the sheep knocked you down?" - I didn't do nothin'," Bobby declared pro-, r testingly. "I was gettin' up all the fcima."
Permanent link to this item
https://paperspast.natlib.govt.nz/newspapers/NZH19240517.2.171.25.2
Bibliographic details
New Zealand Herald, Volume LXI, Issue 18711, 17 May 1924, Page 21 (Supplement)
Word Count
1,063ODDS AND ENDS. New Zealand Herald, Volume LXI, Issue 18711, 17 May 1924, Page 21 (Supplement)
Using This Item
NZME is the copyright owner for the New Zealand Herald. You can reproduce in-copyright material from this newspaper for non-commercial use under a Creative Commons New Zealand BY-NC-SA licence . This newspaper is not available for commercial use without the consent of NZME. For advice on reproduction of out-of-copyright material from this newspaper, please refer to the Copyright guide.
Acknowledgements
This newspaper was digitised in partnership with Auckland Libraries and NZME.