SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXI, Issue 18711, 17 May 1924, Page 21 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

HO TROUBLE NEXT TIKE.

1 An irascible ; bridegroom of . 73, marrying, his, third wife, went into the vestry ' to sign " the .register. . , ~ . v : - After several fruitless attempts to make a mark on the paper, he turned to the clerk and said:—"This is ' the second or third time you've played me 1 this trick! Next time I shall - bring my own pen." "TOR BETTER OR WORSE." They had just renewed their acquaintance after he had been , abroad for some years. , y . " Upon my word, Miss Hawkins," he said, " I should hardly have known you, you have altered so much." For. better or worse she asked. ■; " Ah, my dear, girl," he replied, gallantly, " you' could only change for the better!" ■ % . A TOUGH PARROT. ; He had not long been in the navy, and while abroad he had sent his mother a beautiful, gaily plumaged parrot. i A few months later he was home at the " old country cottage on leave, and while at: tea, not noticing the parrot, he asked his mother how she liked the bird. " Well," replied: the dear old soul, " it was a real handsome bird, but, by gum, lad, it was tough." LADIES AND THEIR AGES. Two ladies were quarrelling at a teaparty, about' their , respective ages. At fast, to end the dispute, one of them said in a conciliatory , tone of. voice, " Don't let us quarrel over the 'j matter ; any more, dear. I, at least, have not the heart to do it. I never knew who my mother was, for she deserted me when I was a baby, and. who knows but that you ; may have been that heartless parent." THE RETURN. JOURNEY. Tourist: "My doctor advises me to live where I may have the benefit of. the south wind. Does it blow here ?" Landlord: "You're fortunate in com-' ing to just the right place! Why, the south wind always blows here." "Always? Why, it seems, to be blowing from the north now." ' ' Oh, it may be coming from that direction, but it's the south wind. It's just coming back, you know." / . T WAIT A LITTLE LONGER. Sandy (entering . nursery . garden): " Have ye; a " nice .cucumber ?".'; , Gardener: '' Yes, . here is ■' one. .. . That will be fivepence." ' , - .. . . Sandy: " Too much. .' Have ye no' one for twapence." . ;■ . Gardener: "Ye .can-, hae this for twapence." ' , 4 " . ■ > • Sandy: " All : richt, here's . the . twapence. But don't cut it off ; I'll be calling for it in about a fortnight." : NOT. WHAT, SHE .MEANT. "Good porning!" : said an old lady, entering a baker's shop. " Permit me to I compliment you on the lightness of your bread C : ' : ' - The baker rubbed ; his hands and smiled benignly. " Thank: you, madam he said. "It is my aim to make the lightest bread in.this town." *• " And you do - it," said the old lady. "If it gets much lighter it will take two :of • your;.' pound: loaves to." weigh, sixteen ounces!" \ ', : : HOW COULD 1 IT TELL? Pat was helping the gardener, and observing a. shallow . stone basin' containing water,, he inquired what it was for. / " That," said the gardener,' "is ,a bird bath." " Don't ye be fooh'n" me," grinned Pat. "What'is- ut ?" " A bird bath, I tell you. Why do you doubt it?" " . • / , " Because," said Pat, . " I' don't believe' there's a bird alive that can tell Saturday night from any other." •*_ ' A PIECE OF IMPUDENCE. : • ; , . . ;-•! ; ' A teacher in a foreign quarter ) had ,in her class a pupil so unruly that it became necessary to write to ; the ; child's father. "My dear . Mr. Stanovitch," . the letter began. - L,. , ./■■ The next day a stoat: and irate woman appeared :in the .class-room 5 flourishing ia" paper. " - '' , , V.V I'll teach you ito 'call my. - husband ,' iny dear '!" she cried. " Why, ,he says he ; ain't j nevfer saw you Vin ' ; his >: life, and I believe hifi, you piece of impudence!".;/,: '• ' . ; . .V, ' •; ■' ■'■ ' 'N. ' >' ( ",*v ''.'S'-.. ONLY ONE THING ,WANTING. : Irish Drill Sergeant (to squad whom he ; ; ha 3 been instructing in funeral exercise): "Now, bhoys, I am going to walk through • the , ranks, and I -want yez to : suppose; I am a corpse." f-- i '• ' He orders l the ; squad to stand at; ease and rest on: their arms. V Then he ' walks ; through the ranks, and;: afterwards, ad-: dresses them as follows:— .. 5 "Yez arms are. all : right, ' and yez feet are all right, but ' there's ' one thing wanting,: me i bhoys. Yez hadn't. that look of regret on yez faces that yez have when ? a corpse', walks past." I CHARM 07 ; COMPANIONSHIP. } , v One Sunday ( morning ,in - a ; Lancashire colliery village a miner, in his best clothes, I was seen going jauntily ; along,:- pushing a wheelbarrow. v ; ....' .', ; ■ ' " Wheer . arti ' gooin', Bill i" asked l a friend, . engaged in : propping up a wall and ; burning tobacco. " I'm i gooin, va ; walls," was the reply. r ..." But "-—with an air of > surprise— " what f arti doin, t- wi' t' v barrow V ( " Well,' - tha V sees,"-;' said the : miner," " I've lost mi dog, an' a felly looks a foo, : goin' a walk ibi •••. hisself." * V ■? ~