CURRENT HUMOUR.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LX, Issue 18565, 24 November 1923, Page 3 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR.

SHORT STORIES. *» , HARD op hearing. The little church was full, but the marriaee ceremony seemed in danger of being stopped, for the bridegroom was deaf and could not hear the important question : " Wilt thou have this woman for thy lawful wedded wife? " The priest raised his voice: Wilt thou have this woman for thy lawful wedded wife? " _ This seemed to annoy the bridegroom. " Oh, I don't know!" he said. She isn't so awful. I've seen worse than her that didn't have half as much money! THE TAMED VARIETY. A woman advertised for a caretaker for her town home, and after interviewing a large number •of applicants, found one that suited her. " Thanks for giving me the job," said the man, " and might I ask you a question? You stated in the ad. that you wanted a married man. Does that mean you have some work in view for my wife? " "Oh, 110," replied the |woman. "I wanted a married man so as to be sure I'd get some one used to taking orders from a woman." A BRIGHT YOUNG CURATE. A deputation of «!eri<-al folk once laid their views 'before the Archbishop of Canterbury: — Randall Davidson gave, in his noncommittal way, an answer, and the deputation, .out on Vauxhall Embankment, considered the matter. " When the last trump is sounded." declared the leader, resentfully, "the Archbishop will appoint a committee to investigate the facts and to ascertain, at their leisure, whether it is the last trump, or the last trump but one." " Alternatively," suggested a young curate, " to find out what are trumps." HE NEVER KNEW., Sandy was the village reprobate who, all too "frequently, took a drop too much. He was the despair of his wife and the parish minister as well, and soothe'latter was much surprised •' and • gratified one evening at ■the annual; . Sunday school treat to see Sandy sitting in the body of the hall. . .. > Next day . the • reverend gentleman encountered Sandy ■' in the village street, and so he -said heartily: " I was more pleased than I can say to see you at the Sunday school treat last night, Sandy, and I hope we may take this as a good omen for the future." v Mercy me, meenister," mumbled the old rogue in honest amazement, "is that whaur I was? " NOT ENOUGH FOR TWO. Sandy's wife had asked the minister to use his influence to keep her man away from the jvillage public-house and the clergyman promised to use his utmost endeavours to do so. Next evening as the Rev. Mr. McPhail was crossing the Market Square he saw Sandy McTavish in front heading straight for the Eagle Inn. Here was a chance to do a little reclamation work, so the parson shouted, "McTavish, I want ye a minute." The culprit, without looking round, put on a spurt and disappeared in the bar door. Resolutely the minister determined to wait, and after half an hour's vigil he observed r the delinquent emerging cautiously from the bar. J - r I At once the minister approached him, I and Sandy's face. fell. " McTavish, didn't I you hear me calling. you half an hour ago [ before you went inside the public-house? " " Ay, sir, I did that," admitted Sandy shamefacedly, " but you must • unner- , stand, sir, I only had a shillin', an* that wasna enough for baith o' us." A LESSON IN MANNERS. A story, illustrative of the late Sarah Bernhardt's ready wit, is told of a visit to Germany. The great actress was speaking to an English journalist who knew little ! French. Very courteously and courageously Madame Bernhardt spoke in English. , The conversation had lasted ; several minutes when Madame Bernhardt noticed that a third .person, a German, was listening and smiling offensively. "What is amusing you, sir? said the actress sharply. , "Pardon, Madame," said the German, " but your English makes me laugh." " Let us speak French, then," said Madame Bernhardt, and French was

spoken. •' ■ In a few seconds the great actress's expressive features. assumed an expression of intense anguish. . ■ "What is wrong, Madame ? " said the English journalist with genuine solicitude. Madame Bernhardt pointed to 'her uncouth German interlocutor. : "It is this gentleman's'; she said, with a catch in the golden voice; " it makes pie- want to cry."