CURRENT HUMOUR.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LX, Issue 18457, 21 July 1923, Page 3 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR.

: SHORT STORIES,

'. ' : - THE HAND 01 FATE. • '•■ I " You're not my usual caddis!'* ..'.■ ; M No, sir, I tossed up vriy him for ' yen." . ■■"And you won J" . , ; No sech luck." WILLING TO OBLIGE. Bobby, (whisperii,g): " Didn't I hear Cls.ra toll you,' Mr. Feathiu'iy, that'she vat'.: sovry, but aho really 'couldn't givo you a lock of her hair?" Mr. Fcathorly : " Sh,' Bobby ! —er — yes." ' , , Bobby : " Well, you must 'wait a day or two, and I'M get some for you when she's out," NOAH'S' ANGL'mG. The children were having a Bible lesion on Noah and*the'• Flood. The teacher asked how did they think Noah "would , fill, in his time. "He wud fish," said one little urchin, " bat he wudna' fish long." *' How is that?" said the teacher. " Because ho wud only hev t,wa worms," wan tho reply. THE VERY ONE. A certain automobile manufacturer claimed to have put a, car together in Sevan minutes. A few weeks alter this event was heralded in the newspapers, a voice on the telephone : ... "Is it true that your factory put a oar together in seven minutes"?" "Yes. Why "Oh. nothing. But I oeliave I have the .?ar." A FOOL QUESTION. Tha coloured preacher began his sermon with: " Breddern and sisteiri, when de fust man, Adam, was created, he was luadii outer wet clay, and set up'gainst the palina to dry." A dissenting member of the congregation arose and said "Pawsin, if Adam was de first man, den who all made de palms?" " Bre'er Simpktns, set down," said the parson, disgustedly, " sech ; fool questions Bsyoum would upset any system of theology.". LOW VISIBILITY. Simpkhis considered himself a. humor Ist. He sent a selection of his original jokes to Ihit editor of /a # newspaper,■arid confidently awaited a remittance. Hi» excitement ran high when ho received a letter, obviously from ■:. the newspaper office. ,' . /~, .';■;/;• ■:.:. £:. ,'•! He opened it with feverish haste. There was no cheque, just a small note, as follows : . *" Dear Sir: Year jokes received. Some ■wo have, seen before; some we have notseen yet.".' ■. ■: /.:■■ r iC> : ; LESSON IN THE INFANT CLASS. The infant class was having a leason on coins, and, after an explanation, a practical test; was made. __ 1 Little Charlotte was sent out with a shilling to see how many threepenny pieces she could get for it. She was gone some time, but at last she returned with a bulky and odorous parcel, and the explanation : " Please, teacher, they hadn't got any threepenny pieces, so I got three fourpennies-"" And she had—at the nearest .oold fried fish shop. ; KEEP OFF THE GRASS. 'Ik,-: little boy wa 3 , fond :of nursery thymes and.. fairy tales, and was always asking questions about tbeas. One day ho asked, his morher: "Why didn't the xtoxa. in tho nursery rhyme put up a notice to ' koop off the '.grass?': Then he wouldn't 'have been cruel to the maiden " \ - : "Which man, dear?" said his mother; *' and to whom was he cruel • " .Well," said the little chap, " nurse often tells mo about the man all tattered and torn who kicked; the maiden 'off th* la-mi!"- ; ']; '0' , SECOND SIGHT. The young lady palmist at the church Bazaar sand to one of her girl clients: "I see by your hand you are'going to be married.' :■■' .; '■'■! " Wonderful," said the gilt | " You are engaged to a man named Wilkins," continued, the amateur' seer. # " | " How amazing," gasped the girl, I " surely the lines on my hand • can not reveal the name . „Vm 4 Lines," sniffed the palmist, "Who paid anything about lines? You aro wear-1 ing .tho ring I. returned to Mr. : Wilkins thr&s weeks ago." - ■>.■[! !; ; t!.'•■:•■; • :■ AN ITOLYTKIO. ■ There are some good storiiMi in Reginald Lucas's biography of Lord North. One tells of ari amusing blunder, Jjady JVorta was no beauty. It is said that cue mgnt .at the opera somebody asfcud:-— ; „ " Who is that plain-looking lady m the box opposite? " ..',■' , J I; ■..»,'. " That," said North, "it my wife. * "I did not mean her," <;ame. the offvious rejoinder; "I meant the Sauy next to her." . :■ '--' '■' ■<■■ .■,,: ■''<". . " That, sir, is my daughter; and I may tell you that we are .considered to be three of. the ugliest people in London." THE FARMER AND OT EGG. ; A farmer ones came into a. tavern with eggs to sell. The landlord agreed to take two dozen, and when the farmer counted over the contents of his basket he found that he had twenty-five eggs. The landlord wanted the extra egg , thrown in. Tho fanner failed to see this equity of the proposal, and. the matter. was discussed zor some time. ■■' ■ At last the landlord said he would take the twenty-five eggs, give j. the man a drink, and call it "square." The farmer agreed, and pocketed his money. ".Now, that'll you have?" asked jthe landlord, " Cherry and egg siwd the farmer. . THE DIFFERENCE. At an agricultural show iv, IDnbiin a pompous member of Parliament, who arrived late, found himself or. the outskirts of a huge crowd. ; ' Being anxious to obtain a good view, and presuming that he was well 'known to the spectators he tapped a man on the shoulder and ordered: "Make way there!" . ' "Gam! Who are ye pushin' ?" was the unexpected reply. "Do you know who I am, sir?" cried the indignant M.P. "I'm a representative of the people!" "Yah!" growled the other; ."but wa're the blooEiin' people themselves." GOLF: ; NOT BIGLIARDS. Two ministers were in the habit . of playing golf, when one of them said to his friend:— I'd like to have :.ny lawyer join as. He is an enthusiastic golfer. He swears a good deal when making a. bad shot, but don't vou pay any attention to him."

The game began, and the lawyer .made several misses, and vented his ill-luck in * good round volley of unprintable language. . At length the newly-introduced minister expostulated, saying:—" If. yon don't respect the man you might respect the cloth." ! ■ :■■:■■'■ " Dash* it/* • vas the reply, " it's not towards we mii playingJi ? '•'_"*',.