ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LIX, Issue 18101, 27 May 1922, Page 5 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Newly wed j "There's no place like home. Ixingwed : " When sumo wives go away on a visit.

* Teacher's " What is the surest way to keep milk from souring?" Little .Mary: " it in the cow."

Mrs. Benham: "Whero have you been?" Mr. Benham :" I have been to one of tboso alternoon tee-heos."

Bluffton : ** I had a misunderstanding with my rich'uncle last night." Oallem:' '*• What was the trouble 1 Did you Jose the pawnticket?"

Scoutmaster : !< Well, scout, did youi d 0 a kind deed to-day?" Scout: "Yes, chief, I gave my white mice to our cat."

Townley: " When did yon get the new mctor-car?" Ruston: "Oh, it was given to me with a purchase of petrol."

Gob (looking at book in library) : " Last Days of Pompeii"—what did ho die of?" Mate : "Oh, I dunno—soma sort of eruption,"

Peter : " When the old-fashioned girl was jilted her parents considered it a calamity." Hall : Now they consider it » business opportunity."

Deadbroke (borrowing a fiver): "Words can never repay this kindness, old man." "The Other: " You're- right; unless they are the kind used by money when it talks."'

Phyllis : " When yon accused him of did he change, colour?" Maisio : " He. certainly did. When T told him I saw he was jrrcen with envy ho grew red."

Mistress (engaging servant) : " And remember. Jane,, we like to bo served a,t t;,b)e with alacrity." Jane : " Certainly, ina'am; and when will yoil' have it—after the Soup?''

Sidney: " Tlicre is no doubt about it: he is going to tho dogs ! " Bertie : Oh. I'm sorry Co hoar that!" "Good friend of yours—eh?" "Not at alt. but a lot of dogs are."

She: "But Jack, arc you sure you love We for what I am?" Ho: " Yes. dear!" She : 't Would, you love me if I wero penniless?" He: "Then you would not be what you are."

Little Reggie: " Mummie, why does Uncle John eat with his knife? " Mflt-her : '"Hush, dear! Uncle John is rich enough to eat with the coal-shovel, if he prefers it! "

A desperate lover, walking in the woods with a girl, said in a tender voico, " What .is your favourite flower, Mary?" "Robinson's for bread, and Brown's for pastry," she replied.

Father: "The road to success is apt to be a long hard one, my boy." Son : ".Are there no short cuts, father?" "Yes, my sen. Our prisons are full of men who took the short cuts."

The Young Thing: "What kind of husband would you advise me to look out for?" Well-meaning Friend: "You let husbands alone, my dear, it's asking for trouble. You get a single man."

Musio enthusiast: " Didn't you think the Barcarole the best thing at Mrs. Harmony's musical afternoon?" Mrs. Ntiriche: "I didn't take any of the rolls, but I liked the chicken salad."

Tearne: " Why do you act, when I want to'borrow from you, as if I were determined to swindle you? Can't you give me credit for good intentions?" Hearne : " Yes, for good intentions, but not for cash."

Miss Prim : " I saw you going into a public house after service last Sunday, Wilites ! " Wilkes : " There bean't no harm in that, miss; and, besides, parson always he telling about this 'ere thirst after righteousness! "

Visitor : " Are you good at your work ? T am very particular about, the way my hair is cut." Village Barber: "Well, T'm considered fairly decent; but, if you lik?«, I'll do one side of your head first, so thfit you can see for yourself."