ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLIX, Issue 14925, 24 February 1912, Page 8 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

SiioiTKit: "Can I hang this paper on myself?" Salesman: "Yes, sir: but it would really look better on the wail." Wilson : " What did that pretty shopgirl say when vou stole a kiss?" Johnson: "She said, 'Will that bo all today?"' Bints (who has ordered a pancake half an hour previously) : " Er— say, will that pancake be long?" Waitress ; "No, sir, it'll be round."' Wealthy Merchant: "I've been spending (juito'a lot of money on that place of mine. Want to* make it fit for a'gentleman, y'we." Farmer "I understand. Going 'to let it, eh '" Johnny, aged four, went into a nearby grocery v.v.d asked for a box of i-anaiy* $?"i\. "Is it for your mother?" asked the groicr. " No, of course not." replied the little fellow. "It's for the bird." '• While T do not- positively a*sert that : .lotim is a. dishonest man," said Jones's acquaintance, "I strongly recommend people who shako hands with him to count their fingers carefully when he leaves go." '•Gracious!" exclaimed "Mr. Swell man. "the baby bus just eaten a lot of that doc-biscuit," " Never mind.' ' replied j Mr*. Swelhuan : "it just serve.-. Fido ri"ht, for ho ha.' often eaten the baby's food." Actor: '"What, back so soon? Didn't the. play take.?" Actress : "Yes. the play took; the manager took the receipts, the bailiffs took the scenery, the landlord took the trunks, and the author took to drink '." ~-....., Assistant Editor : " Here's a poem from a fellow who is serving a five-years.' term in Portland." Managing Editor :" Well, print it. with a note explaining the circumstance. It may serve as a warning to other poets." " I'm glad to find yon as you are," said the old' friend. Your great wealth hasn't changed you." "Well." replied the wealthy man, "it has changed mo in one thing. I'm now eccentric where I used to be impolite, and delightfully sarcastic where I used to bo rude." An Irish tailor who went to Glasgow in search of work had not been long there when he attended a meeting where a good but shabbily-dressed, speaker presented himself. Now and again through the speech the tailor would cry "Order!" All ' around were puzzled to know the reason, and at last the speaker spoke out and i said : " What kind of order do you want':" "An order for a decent suit of clothes." was the tailor's reply. When a gentleman with decided tendencies towards looking after everybody's business but his own saw a furniture van being loaded near his house he sallied forth into the street on investigation bent. "I say, carter," he began, bumptiously, "are the people hero moving?" The vanman looked at him scornfully, then he wiped the perspiration from his brow. "No, sir." he retorted, tiredly; "we're just taking the furniture for a drive." The village tailor only received occasional orders from tho vicar for such articles as hats, collars, or handkerchiefs. " You see," remarked the vicar one day. having called with his usual order. " when I want, a 'suit I go to London. They make them there." Calling again a few days Liter, the vicar remarked that he had not seen the tailor at church lately. "No." replied the tailor: "when I want to hear a good sermon I go to London : they preach them there."