ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXXVIII, Issue 11644, 4 May 1901, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Teocble often comes to show us how much ' we had to be thankful for before her arrival, j Tobacconist: "Cigars? Yes, sir. Here! are some I got in especially for presents. I Cumso: 'They won't do. I want some to ; smoke myself. , Lady: " I want a dog that will look ter- , riblv fierce, but won't ever Vote." Dealer 1 (meditatively): " I think you'd better get an i iron ote, mum.' ] Mrs. Good: '• And I suppose you expect I to go on begging until the end of your life?" ! The" Tramp":" ■'Well. yes. ma'am; I expect ; to die in harness." Bill: "I understand Ge.yboy is one of the ; best-known men in your town." Jill: . "Why. he's so well known that he has to go out of town to borrow money." | Farmer Green (to boy caught stealing his I apples): "Well, sir, what have you to say j for yourself?" Boy (with pockets fall) ; " Please, sir. mtiv I have some apples?" Master Thief: " What yer so glum about? j Didn't ver set ther chap's overcoat?" Ap- j prentice": " Yes: but th'er vruz a lot er bills I in ther pocket. Will I hive ter pay 'em':" 1 Musician (ironicallv) : "I am afraid my 1 music is disturbing the people who are talk- I ing over there." Hostess: "Dear me. I j never thought of that. Don't piny so ! loudly." Employer (sternly, to clerk): "I'm not at j all satisfied with your accounts, Bagster." Clerk: "Why not", sir? Aren't they well i done?" Employer: '"Yes, too well done; i cooked." "Are you guilty or not guilty?'' ?.'\ d j the magistrate of the man accused of theft. j "What's the use 0' me sayin' 'Not guilty?' I said that last time an' you wouldn't b'lieve me." Husband : " I see that they're advertising bargains in patent medicines at Kutt and Price's drug store." Wife: "Isn't that too aggravating? There isn't a thing the matter with any of us." | She: " I understand why cigarettes are so j popular." He: "Well, why is it?'' She: "Oh! men who smoke them think they look boyish, and boys who smoke them think they look like men." Parke : " I had no idea that the new house you were building was finished." Lane: "Oh. yes. Not only finished, but all mv friends have had time to tell me how much better it might have been." Professor (to student of surgery): " Please |'■ tell the class the names of the bones form- i ; ing the skull." Student: ' Ah—er—l do not for the moment remember. hut I know that I have them all in my head." A Gentle Hint.Chatty Gent.: "I believe you porters receive very poor wages?" Porter: "We do. sir. If it wasn't for the tips rale gents, like yourself, gives us, we should make no sort of a livin'." "Do you regard my suit with favour?" asked the young man in the ready-made gar- j ments. "Well," replied the critical young ! woman, as she meed at his apparel. "it J isn't a suit tint ! would select for myself." A capitalist being asked what he thought j of the innumerable new speculations then afloat replied : " They are like a cold bath; to derive any benefit from which it is necessary to be very quick in and very soon out." Tommy had been boasting about his new brother. "How old is he. Tom?" asked the policeman. "Two weeks," said Tom. " He's very small, isn't he?" " Yes," said I Tom, " he's pretty smallthat is, all except I his voice." Not a Chestnut.—He : "So you are certain you cannot be my wife?" She: "I am awfully sorry, but (brightly) I will be a sister to you." He : " Oh, that old chest—" She (interrupting): "Not at all. 1 accepted your brother la.st night." Where It Comes In.—Awe-struck Visitor: "It must be very difficult to produce such an exquisite work of art." Dealer: "Nonsense. Almost anybody can paint a picture, but finding a victim to buy it alter it is painted is where the ait conies in."