IS MARRIAGE A FAILURE?

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXV, Issue 9220, 24 November 1888, Page 2 (Supplement)

IS MARRIAGE A FAILURE?

After a run of seven weeks, the Daily Telegraph has withdrawn the popular piece dc resistance for the Recess, and allows Mrs. Mona Caird to sum up the controversy which she began. The Daily Telegraph, in a leader, says that it has received more than 27,000 communications on the subject, only a small proportion of which it printed.

TICK DAILY TF.LEIiRAPH SUMS UP. It sums up the controversy thus :—" The concensus of the letters is overwhelmingly strong against early marriages Our law ought, wo think, to forbid marriage to young men under twenty-one, and to young women under nineteen. Among the working classes especially this would produce, we believe, an excellent effect. Then, also, it is clear to our mind that tho law of divorce must be enlarged to permit dissolution of marriage for desertion, for lunacy, for confirmed inebriety, for conviction of disgraceful crimes, as likewise for established incompatibility of temper and temperament, such as a just and prudent judge would admit to be adequate. That the marrige service as it stands calls also for alteration has been abundantly demonstrated by these lotters ; and tho sooner His Grace tho Primate finishes with tho Athanasian Creed and turns his attention to the passages in that service which shock young minds and disconcert older ones—the better !" WHAT MRS. COXA CAIRD SAYS. Tho following are tho most important passages in Mrs. Mona Caird's letter : — What seems to mo most satisfactory is the consciousness frequently displayed of tho need of reform not only in the marriage laws, but our home-like and social intercourse. And now for a brief summary of the reasons for failure or success given by tho correspondents. Reasons for failure : Husbands' clubs, ill-temper, a pretty wife, living beyond your income, want of dues submission on part of wife, nagging, not being "happv-faced," not having a smile of welcome always ready to receive husband on his return (this reminds one of the famous burglar disarmed by a smile), marrying the first comer for want of social opportunity, marrying girls who are young ladies, marrying girls who are not young ladies, being selfish, being poor, having headaches, not keeping accounts, feeling tired, saying you think the home you came from preferable to tho home you came to, making your husband's friends miserable, drinking, incipient softening of the brain, a tendency to homicidal mania, and so on in endless variety. Among the causes of success are to be noted a taste for preparing dainty dishes for your husband, not tolling him of his faults, reforming him very gradually, having a charmingly decorated table in a cheerfully arranged room, being dainty in appearance, kissing your husband with rapid certainty whenever lie shows the slightest tendency to be unpleasant. The exasperation which such conduct would cause in some people ought to be taken into careful consideration, lest tragedies ensue from following of 1 i-= advice. A PROPOSED <i I'll.I) FOR SOCIAL intercourse. And now we come to i ho letters on home life and social intercourse. Would that everyone of them were taken to he art and acted upon ! A reform in these departments going hand-in-hand with the establishment of jlister laws is what is imperatively needed. Where law couid only bring about improvement of conduct by restrictive action 1 would abandon legal help, and fall back upon social reforms. "A "Voting Man from the Country" complains of his isolation, and that of many others in his position, and says that no one holds out a saving hand, so that the temptations to "go wrong" are almost overwhelming. The matter is of vital importance, and I wonder sometimes if it would not be possible to set going a guild or society to be formed by all those who desire to take steps in the improvement of home and social life. An organisation, however simple, enables individuals to use their energies and carry out their intentions who would otherwise be isolated and helpless. The guild would take for its basic ideas(l) the importance of more frequent meetings on simple and iriendly terms of men and women, discountenancing of course all silly ideas about expected proposals and love-making whenever there appeared the slightest signs of interest and liking such interference with human relations would be regarded as vulgar and undignified ; ('2) the encouragement in each family of the special tastes of its members, and the establishment of interesting occupations of some kind or other, according to the taste and abilities of the family. One family 1 knew used to have weekly lectures and discussions of a most, amusing nature, each member providing a short discourse in turn, requiring a certain amount of reading and thought in its preparation, which led to the collection of a school-room library and other additions to the interests of the home. Besides lectures, concerts, exhibitions of sketches of work, and a thousand other things, might, be given, the idea lending itself to indefinite expansion. With regard to social intercourse, the members of the iguild could organise among themselves or with their neighbours plans for weekly receiving of friends, without ceremony and without further refreshment than 1 ho usual after-dinner tea and coffee. In the guild and association we need, as a first step, the offer of someone, who would organise it. Would that I had space to collect together all the admirable proposals made in these letters. Mr. A. F. Bat-field's suggestion to build homes where children could be fed and educated on payment of a sum by the parents, might, if adopted, prove a boon to children, whether their parents were divorced or undivorccd, happy or unhappy. TIIE IDEAL 01' THE REFORM The principle towards which modern reforms in marriage ought to point is the frank recognition of the equality of all I subjects, male or female, before the law, and also the recognition that, every member of the community ought to be free to enter into what contract lie pleases, provided he injures no other individual, and does not interfere with the welfare of the community. It seemed to me better that England should rave for a while about the dreadful things which this principle, if suddenly and unwisely applied, might undoubtedly involve, than that the principle itself should not be proclaimed, or that the present injustice which causes misery to so many should be overlooked on the ground that the exceptions must suffer for the rose of the community. FREE MARRIAGE NOT FREE LOVE. Bub now it may be well to state once more that there has been misunderstanding of my meaning about free marriage. Had I meant a union intentionally temporary I should not have used the word marriage. The State has to choose which form of union it will ratify and enforce for those couples who may apply for its protection, find it naturally chooses what must be called the national or the monogamic form of union. We cannot ask a State to register and protect any union which does not propose to be for life, dissoluble only when the terms of the contract are broken. If caprice were guarded against, by decreeing, as Mr. Lowe suggest the lapse of a year between the notice of a desire for divorce (subject to contract) and the divorce itself, I see no reason for believing that the free contract system, properly managed, would cause more frequent divorces than now take place ; that is, supposing the social reforms to be going on at the same time, a condition necessary to the full success of all legal improvements. LEASEHOLD MARRIAGE. The plan of having marriages terminable at will in ten, fifteen, or twenty years does not. strike me as inherently impossible, but it has the evil effect of seeming to lower the ideal of national monogamy, and would, I think, be far less satisfactory than making marriage a life-long union"dissoluble according to the terms of the contract. The State would have to reject certain reasons for divorce if they were so trivial as to imply an intention to evade the law and to form an intentionally temporary union under the regis if the State. Incompatibility of temper, however must, I Mu"k, certainly be allowed as a reason if the p ir can satisfy tho court that it exists. A German corespondent tells us that this cause is sufficient in his country ; yet we do not hear that in Germany there is a perpetual divorcing and remarrying, as we are told would bo the case if such a reason i.eld good here. THE FIRST STEP. The first step for us to take, as it seems to me, is to alter the divorce laws as radically as public opinion will permit, and to

reform tho other laws affecting marriage at tho same time and in the same degree. Then, as soon as possible—simultaneously if it can be—to offer a choice of several legal contracts to the couple to choose from. Later on would come the entire freedom of contractsubject only to the limitation specified—and thence gradually the entire redemption of marriage and the dying out of prostitution.