ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XVIII, Issue 6003, 12 February 1881, Page 3

ODDS AND ENDS.

A tragedy in two acts : —l, Boy, Gun Joy. Fun. 2, Bust : Boy, Dust. "Here's to internal improvements," as ■ Dobbs said when ho swallowed the dose of . salts. The chief use of a sea captain in these days . is to explain how it all happened after most . of the passengers have been drowned- - , Isn't it kind o' curious that no woman goes I to the telephone to answer" a ring without ! wondering if her hair is all right and her . train iu the propel- shape t j Jones: " 1 see Smith has taken to riding a . bios cle. What on earth is he doing that fori" [ Robinson : " Oh, a very simple reason—to , prevent Mi's. Smith going with him , The women in Persia are obliged to ride in i a railroad car alone and pass their fare out ; through a hole in the roof. There isn't a , living sotil to flirt with except the driver. " \Vhy, Frankv," exclaimed a mother at tiie summer boarding-house, "I never knew vou ask for a second piece of pie at home ?" _ "I knev.- 'cwant no use ; " said Franky, as he . proceeded with his pie-eating. "'Appoiutment' and 'interment' is a. rhyme sent in by a poet this morning writes an American editor. "If he will kindly make the former," he adds, "we will guarantee that he will get the latter." "I wonder," said a young lady, "why s Hymen is always represented as carrying a torch to which her bachelor uncle snari lingly responded. "To indicate that he I always makes it warm for people who marry." y He was from the sequestered vale, far from .1 the bushy haunts of men, and was buying liis first glass of soda ; but he was not to be s taken iu. aiul sternly said, "I wish you'd .1 skim otl that skutn, boss ; I ain't payin' for e no froth, you bet." Here is "ail "illigant" extract from a teme perance sermon delivered the other day by a r parish priest in County Kerry. " Drink," [1 said he "is a curse ; it makes a man ' bate* his wife, starve his children, go shoot his r landlord, and miss him too." a A new coiner in Galveston asked an old g resident how malarial fever could be distinguished from yellow fever. "As a general r thing," was the reply, " you can't tell until r vou have it. If you ain't alive then, it is r most likely the yellow fever." He hid an auburn-haired girl, and promised 1 to take her out riding. She met him at the a door when he drove up, and lie exclaimed : i "Hello! Ready?" She misunderstood him, i and they don't speak now. Thus slang makes s I another slap at love's young dream. e A shrewd little fellow was intrusted to. r the care of his uncle, who fed the boy very I poorly. One day he happened to see a greyi ! hound, whereupon he asked the boy if he i ! knew what made the dog so poor, and the 1 reply was, "I expert he lives with his ,- uncle." Young Lady : " Very changeable weather, I Mrs. Wiagins, isn't it?" Mrs. "Wiggins: - "'Ees, miss, it be. Fust 'ot, yer see, then ; cold, then 'ot ag'iu ; but it's a blessin', 'cos : if the weather wasn't a little variable there wouldn't be no uariety in some folk's con- : versations." Two Keutuckians had been stopping at a i Chicago hotel. One of them was fiercely disputing the correctness of the bill which the clerk hail just presented to him, when the i othertook him by the arm and said, "Colonel, . never forget that you are a Kentuckian. Kili ; the clerk, but pay the bill." Mrs. Mantowler (who has been at poor M. s pockets ;is usual); " And so your pretty friend. Mr. Btowu, wan'syouto go with hita this evening, if you have nothing better to do. to see 'Betsy!' But I will find jou something to do, Mr. Mantowler, or I m very much mistaken. Ami who is Betsey > I should like to know I Hussy ! A .vriter in Vanity Fair tells a good story of an Irishman : "He told lie was about half landlord and half tenant, and he said that he meant to go in for the popular cry, 4\o rint!' 'But how abont the laud JOU have let?' said I. 'The rint I pay is a fejv pounds more than the rint I get, so I d be in. about the same position, and thinii of the popularitv of it." " .... The Ditke of Edinburgh, it is said, once asked a gentleman who a few minutes before had been introduced as " the greatest musician in the world" the following question "Can you tell me how it is that there is no horn-pLiyer to be found sure in the high notes, except one man I had on board the (a'al-itea "I can," said the musician. "How so. "Because on board ship the man alw.ys practices Oil the high C. ' 1 Inblcau. 1