TITTLE TATTLE

Nelson Evening Mail, Volume LXVI, 10 April 1934, Page 2

TITTLE TATTLE

BY “TATI.HR"

“BEFORE I FORGET” A week or two ago I bought a copy of Mr David Williamson's cuterlaiiui.g hook of reminiscences, “Before I Forget.” Interlarded with .serious matter, Mr Williamson provides stories so good that i feel I must quote a number fur the delectation of .uy readers.

A friend of Mark Twain .was tile famous preacher, the Rev. Joseph Twitched. As the pair walked from church after a Sunday morning sermon. -Mark said to Joseph, “That was a good sermon, Joe, hut you know, Joe, i have athome a book which contains every word of it.” Air Twitched was indignant The sermon was his own, and lie could show Mark Twain the notes, etc. “1 (au't help that, Joe, ’ said Mark. “I ve got a- hook at home which contains every word of if. I’ll send it round for you to see.” Ihe Iriends parted coldly. In an hour Mr Twileholl was laughing heartily—. Mark had scut hini a dictionary!

During one of the American tours of Madame Christine Nilsson, the lamous soprano, the concert-director was required to announce her sudden indisposition. Knowing little English, he said to the audience, “.Madame Nilsson ees a leetle hoarse.” A ripple of laughter greeted the announcement, so the concert-director explained. “Madame is a leetle hoarse, a leetle colt.” _ A wag convulsed Ihe audience by exclaiming, “Well, then, why don’t you trot her out?” * * * *

There arc readers who will still he able to recall the book, “Bootle s Baby,” which won exceeding popularity in niy youthful days. The authoress was AUs Stannard, whose pen-name was “John Strange Winter. At a party Mrs Stannard spoke to the distinguished physician, Sir Alorell Mackenzie, who did not seem able to recall who the lady was. As an explanation, Airs Stannard said, “You know me. Sir Alorell ‘Bootle’s Baby’—‘John Strange Winter.’ ” As Sir Alorell continued lo look puzzled, the lady added, “My name’s Airs Stannard.” Sir Alorell afterwards said to his host, “The lady has told me she’s a man. a woman, and someone s babv. Who is she, really?” • * * * *

Another of Air Williamson’s stories is of Air Henry (afterwards Viscount) Chaplin, who loved dining out: lie was the guest at a dinner party given at a great house where the din-ing-room was decorated hv some magnificent carving. The young lady who was his partner at table said to linn, soon after the joint was reached, “\\ hat splendid carving, is it not ! C haplin, enjoying his dinner io the utmost, said : “Yes. the carving is always very good here, and they servo up everything so hot!”

A lover of uood stories, T am fond of defying into such books as “BefpiP I Forcrpt ” and rarely do I fail to in ever" one of them racy yarns. I lie ui'st T select is “Ale: A Chronicle about Other People,” by Aliss Naomi Jacob, the novelist. Aliss Jacob is at ber best as a. toller, in dialect, of stories of her native Yorkshire. r lo wit : \ lad wear sent hi is feather for some beer. Willie 'e got ter pooblhv e 1(l ter landlord, “Feather says as last time theer wear ovvev mooch sediment m Cheer ” Landlord thinks ns ell net a rise outer this lad so ’o nop and answers, “Tstha certain as e sod .sediment’? Tstlia certain as "e dum saav ‘element’?” Lad says. “Naav, o savs “Ah deaiit knew wat the. .0 meant. All only know what e sed e meant.” # * *

An old Yorkshire woman won! to see her daughter, who had prepared a mm tea. “Now, mother, said Alary -«.m, “what will von have? There s seed cake int’ house, and plum cake mt house, there’s pound cake, and currant caße, there’s singin’ an fat lasuds. there’s scones and mince pies, ami there’s some, lemon curd, and some loikshire cheese cakes.” . - rll Piiir sidered, and then said, A ell, I think I should like a. bit o' fish. * * * W

A parson called at the house of au out-of-work miner and was met by ,l pleasant smell of frying meat. 110 man explained that it was not lor the family, but for the whippets, which many miners keep. 'ihe. parson tnec to improve the shining hour by pointing out how much better it would he it the miner kept a couple of pigs instead ot the two dogs. “They would eat all the potato peelings, all the stalks B of the •weens, cost very little to keep, and you could actually make money out ot pigs,” said the cleric. “Aye,” the Tyke responded, “an a nice, siliy lukcing fuele Ail’d hike, gammn efter rabbits wi’ a couple of pigs !” #

There’s another amusing Yorkshire yarn in “Memoirs of a Soldier Artist, by Capt. Adrian Jones, the distinguished sculptor. A Cockney had invited a Yorksliireman to dine with him at a London restaurant. They sat with their hacks to their hats and coats which hung on racks behind them. During the meal the Yorksliireman, who had heard many stories of the thieving propensities of Londoners, became more and more anxious about the safely of his belongings, and looked round frequently to see if they were still tlieie. Presently his friend became annoyed hy this manifest suspicion, and said : ‘Why do you look round so often to sen it vour tilings are safe? 1 don t do it. ’“Nay, lad,” replied the Yorksliireman, “tlia’s no need ; tliawn went ten minutes sin’.”

Lastlv, in Lady Maud Warrender’s “My First Sixty Years.” there is a talc of the famous Lord Sliafiesbnry. the philanthropist. Hearing that one ot Hie Dorset villagers was ill. Ins lordship went to her cottage. Walking up the path he heard a voice saving: “Hie time to lied, Jane, get big I.oihlo out. here’s Lord Shaasbroc a comm . When he got- inside, sure enough there was Jane in bed. hut with “h.g Loih e opened at Hie Book of the Prophet Amos, upside down ! * #

He delighted in lolling the story of his meeting a- little girl in the village and solemnly saving to her: Mho made your vile body?” To which Urn child nervously replied: “Please, me. Lam'd, Sarah jane made the bodec. and oi made the skirrt. # #

Lady Aland also quotes a variation of this tale. A little girl was told “Now, Alary, they are sure, to ask you at Sunday School, ‘Who made you?’ And remember that you must answer, ‘God made me.’ ” But Alary s short memory.failed her at the critical moment, ami when the question caino 51 io said “Mother did tell me the gentlePlan’s name, and now f ea'.’t remember. But please, teacher, I know it wasn t Father !”