IRISH HUMOUR

Nelson Evening Mail, Volume XLVII, Issue XLVII, 26 November 1912, Page 2

IRISH HUMOUR

SOME WOOD STORIES.

The Hon: Mrs Edtoai'd Lytteltoh tells some good: Irish stories in "Tlie Nineteenth Century." Of Edward Edge, who for many years was .in the service of her father, the Dean of St. Patrick, she re•lrarks that no record, of Edge would be complete without some mention of his wives, of whom there were no fewer than three (there would doubtless have .been unore had time and opportunity permitted). When Mrs: Edge No. 2 was on her deathbed her greatest grief was, not the parting from husiband and friends, 'but the fact tliat slle luul ju3t bought a new pair of .boots, which of necessity would ihave to be left behind for t'he inevitable No. 3 to wear. sure enough this came to pass. RoVurning from her funeral in itlie mourning-coach, Edge broached to my mother the subject of getting a suitalble successor without further delay. "It 'ud never do," he said, "for the master to be wklout a woman in 'the gate; if it 'ud 'be a thing that Ma - . D. could be wrote to-, to get me another ould wan, of a 'good. old. Protestnn' family, out o' the County Wick-la'." This 'was soon done, and. -the courtship did not take long, for Airs Edge No. 3 was. wooed an' married an' a' within a

month or two of her predecessor's death. Edge might well have echoed the words if a certain, other oft-widoWed Irish man, who is reported to have said at- the luneral of his fourth wife, "What wid bringin' th-?m heme cheerful, and send in them out da-cent." he had found marriage rather a costly business. Edge, however, remained so far faithful to this second wife of his that- he always considered her greatly the superior ofher successor, in •whose presence he would loudly assert this. "Th' other mid wan," he would say, "was better nor three o' this wan. She could ha' t-ak-en this wan an' thrown her over the w-ail—fired her over Pat th rick's, so sJie joukl. Sure she could ha' lived, on the •jlippin so' tin." Her husband's sue■esses with the fair sex were a source of n:de to No. '3. iShe used to say, "Aw

:r. was niver annv throu.ble t' Edward to git wives ; he always had : plinty of ■hem." Edge Ihims lf -was indeed serenely conscious that- he never could •ie long at a. loss in tliat respect. ".Sure," 'ne would say, "if this woman" was to lie on me tomorra,' all th' ould wans in ihe Coora.be 'ud be boxin' "for me." ___ Mr. Gladstone used to tell how an English hidy, a friend of his. chartering i cab for the day in Dublin, to .he driver, "You won't mind if I take /on tor the day?" "Is it me min<J. me ad v'!' was his gallant reply. "Sure, I 'wouldn't mind if ye tuk me for life !" 'No one but an Irishman could have ■aid that .without giving offence," w'as Mr. Gladstone's invariable comment on .he storv.

A propos of -Dublin car-drivers, the ■'ate Dead Dickinson use to tell a . story ibout a parishioner of his—Mr. Bar-na-rdo (brother of the late Dr. Barlardo, of philanthropic fame), who was partner in the firm of furriers of that lame in Du'blin. He was said to have ■ather prided lK.mself on his- military r-p----learance, and the car-drivers of Dublin ised to humour this small foible by ad •Iressing him as "Major" or "Colonel," ■ r even "General," in the hope of gettino m extra shilling or two out of him. He -old Dean Dickinson how lie had once, just lor the fun of the thing, offered a cabman his legal fare (which happened -be sixpence). The man, who had recognised Mr. Barnardo, had been nil ing on military titles all the wav along, ind was confidently expecting to" receive it least half-a-erqwn ; lie was therefore •ather disgusted, and gave free vent to his feelings. "Gineral, indeed.!" he -neered. "Faix, you're no C-bieral ! no. •tor Colonel, nayther ! Yer' nothing' but in ould- boa-con jthructor! that's what y'are. ' This was not so much a term of rbuse as :l plain statement of -fact. But .here was evident ly some confusion in .lie man's mind between a furrier, or "icrson who constructs boas, and the big •erpent of that name : .and the man dearly wished to convey an impression >f scorn and derision.

I can (says Mrs Lyttelton) vouch for tirutb of the toil 'owing- : A Tit'll Imerican, travelling in Ireland, had -leard much about the exorbitant denands of the Dublin car-drivers. He ■vas told that no matter what you gave uiem, they always asked for more' flunking to test the truth of this, he handed -the man half-a-sovereign for a .ive-minutes drive. 'T'he driver was: -'qital to the occasion, andy concealinc us ecstasy, he merely observed, with 7i winkle in h:s eye, ".Sure, your honour ivouldn't have me break that wid dlirink!i your honour's health ?" Eet us hope he hint was duly token. I believe it is commonly supposed that io Irish man or woman ever opens his nouth without letting fall some pearl of Jr,:ce in the shape of a "bull" or other inconscious witticism. This is perhaps i slight exaggeration, -but one does now uid again come across .a genuine specincu. I once lia ( ] the good fortune to ;verhear one myself. Two working-men, ■vere'walking close behind me in. Stephen's jieen, and one -said, to the other, "I nver seen sich times! What wid the owld, an' what wid wan thing an' another, there's, people dyin' ifow that in ver died befower."

.< courtesy extracted another calf' from an Irishman whom; Mr. Balfour once accosted on a country road, tie had, I ibelieve, noticed the Irish peculiarity of always assenting to everv;hing that is and he set himself to get a contradiction out of the man oy observing to him, "It's a fine day, rat, (when it was raining cats and (log s ) "Well, it is, yer honour, but it iid be finer if it. wasn't raining'" was Pat s reply. The sanguine Irish nature is well ox■mphfied .in the following utterance of a ill 11 house-painter, who was beino -ailed over the coals for some crooked lines which he had painted on a decoration he was working at. Dumbfounded, and scratching his head in much perP.exity, he suddenly had a happy inspira- • 7, Sui *- ln , ebbe they'll dhrv stm-aight." Doesn't one sometimes entertain similar hopes alb out things in life that ha.ve gone askew'! 1 here comes to my mind the saying of an old coachman in the country ybout a-^p:iidle-shan ; ke.d young squire w] lo ushalJy wore knickerbockers. "Faith, I'm thinking tliat young gintleman must havo the courage of July-us Sayzer to "n about in them legs." The same old coacliinan -prescribed a. remarkable cure °i a cold. e'd just take as much butt her as ud fit on a sixpence, an' ye'd mix it up in a glass <>' punch, an' swal- ■ V Jt down hot an' sthrong. an' I o; ve ye ine word, :f y e could see into, thMns ? -vo'd see that butther An' that .punch dhrivin' the could; forriint them through ver intherdles like a fog."