HOW TO READ HANSARD.

Marlborough Express, Volume VII, Issue 458, 21 December 1872, Page 7

HOW TO READ HANSARD.

A rollicking correspondent of the Dunedin Evening Star, thus delivers himself ; I have been so busily engaged in the perusal of Hansard, that all my spare time has lately been occupied in digesting its fascinating contents. “ Dreary Murrry ” took me fully two nights to get over ; Header Wood a weak to understand ; the member for Hokitika gave mo a character 1 shall incorporate in a New Zealand novel (I intend writing, while our “Donald,” Curtis, and self-impugning Fitz, combined, left such a triple commingled impression on my liver that I have been compelled to coniine myself to suoh stimulating beverages as mild coffee, seltzer water, and drinks analogous, so abhorrent tomy whisky loving soul. I read the immigration and public works debate all through, and divesling myself of prejudice tried to judge fairly, and came to that long editor of Oamaru’s conclusion as to the charges laid against the Government—- “ not proved.” Knowing how anxious the public would be to have au impartial opinion on the matter, never for a moment dreaming that they would read such endless irritation through, and considering how anxiously your readers would want to hear what .1 had to say on the matter, I hit on the following. plan, which I commend both for its originality and perfect satisfactory character :—I caught ft new chum —a man of average education and good sense, and managed bv persuasion and the purchase of a keg of ■whiskey, to induce him to wade through the debate and give me his opinion as to the truth of the charges made hy Stafford, Curtis, and Co., against "William and his clan. The experiment resulted to my satisfaction, though the experimenter swears he would not go- through such another ordeal for a hogshead instead of a keg. He thus gave his opinion when the debate was finished : ' “That long-winded complimentary beggar who called'himself an old woman unconsciously hit the nail on the head. In my remarks I shall unsex him. In her old age she saw a child bom to a neighbour, and, mourning over the inexperience of the mother who has given it birtb, she calls all her old cronies together, and by sheer force of numbers, scolding, and clamour, takes the babe from its proper guardianship to nurse herself, volunteering to make the pap, the swaddling clothes, to watch the nurse, and to purchase Godfrey and Steadman’s elixirs incontinently. To the mother’s entreaty to nurse her owu child, she and her conjreres exclaim simultaneously, ‘ Impossible my dear ! You know nothing about the croup, the measles, or the whooping-cough ; —not even how to wash the child—so we’ll take it off your hands, and you get well again. What a beautiful baby ! How like his father. All right, dear ; we know better than yon what should be done, so be quiet and <ret well.’ Women, you know, rule the world ; and bad the number you appear to have in your Legislative Assembly been young and witty, instead of old and senile, why I would have gone and seen them. Brew another jug of punch.” You thus have in a short and simple manner the result of my experiment and the experimenter’s words verbatim. I am not, however, responsible for their tone—only for their truthful transcription. For the satisfaction of him of “clock” and Waikouaiti repute, I may inform him that rails 301 bs to the yard, and a line perfectly ballasted, will suit all the requirements of his district for many years to come. He had better attend to the state of the “ kiue ” and to the interests of his pastoral supporters than start in his dotage as a C.E. Let my friend of the Hew Zealand Herald get a photo of some sort, and give us this illustrious rejected Motueka man’s likeness among the other great and noble men of New Zealand.