ARTEMUS WARD AND SEPARATION.

Lyttelton Times, Volume XXVII, Issue 1926, 20 February 1867, Page 2

ARTEMUS WARD AND SEPARATION.

The Wellington Independent of Feb. 14, in its summary for England, pub. lishes the following letter on Separation and other subjects connected therewith, which it calls an " Artemus Ward" letter, remarking:—"Someof the facts mentioned therein we com. mend to the attention of our English readers. At present it is enough to hint at them. At some future time we trust to be able to make them the subject of more serious comment." Dunedin, Otago, N.Z., January thirty-onst, 1867.

Mr Editor, Sir,—l arrived into the City of Dunedin by the male steamer. I prefer a male steamer to a female ship. Most things of the female persuasion is given to games. They can't be depended upon. Excuse this goak, I can't help making a goak sometimes. Dunedin is a tolerable big town for this country. Most of your towns could be put into one of our New York hotels. Wellington could be boarded out for- two dollars per day, as it wouldn't occupy no more nor the top rooms. I expect Dunedin would about fill it up, and be put down on the three dollar scale. After I had fixed myself up with a clean paper collar, I walked down to the bar of the house I'd gone to board at. There is no place like the bar for hearing news and talking of matters and things. It was raining pretty continuous, and the streets was awful muddy. I remarked on this in my pleasant way to a stranger who was taking his bitters. Said I. " This town of yours is an ornament to these shores." " Well, yes," said he; " some of our new buildings astonish the old identity." " But the mud," says I, " that's drefful. I begin to feel as if I was inside a pug mill." He smiled sadly, and replied," Tea; city improvement is impossible so long as we are chained to the North Island. Taxes swallow up everything." " It's a comfort to think," I observed," that if they go on swallering they'll bust." He sighed deeply, and said " he hoped bo." "This is a young country," said I to cheer him, for the stranger looked dejected, "but it will grow. "We all grow. I was young once. Alas! I have growed. Let us drown our cares in the flowing bole! We drowned them. He paid. After a pause he continued," the only cure ii separation—insular separation. I am a thorough separationist, I am." He drawed himself up and swelled out his waistkit considerable, as he said this. "In fack, stranger," I said,"you are what we call a ' sesessionist' in my country. We used to hang them pretty frequent during the war. Hanging often changed a many convictions. D ut they hang you much?" I asked in a sympathising and insinuating tone of voice.. "Not yet," he replied j " but there is no saying what those North Island men may do." "Too true," said I; " the human hart is desperately wicked. But you have a excellent Governor; he is virtuous, being imported direct from England, where all that is good is located. Appeal unto him." " That is precisely what we are a doing of," he replied. " We are going to present him with a separation petition. Here is a copy of it," he said; "the original has been signed by five thousand persons." I regard the document with great respeck. I think a paper that 5000 persons can be got to sign a respectable document. I always had a great respeck for signatures, especially at the bottom of checks. The stranger saw by my aspeck that I was struck by the arguments contained in the signatures. I suppose it was all in them, for I couldn't find it anywhere else. He ordered more drinks. He was a nice man. I think that the practise of ordering drinks has an elevating effect upon the character. I have noticed several men improve considerable after ordering drinks. It is a fack generally remarked. I am fond of collecting such facks; they are a credit to human nature. I am also fond of drinks. "Yes," said the stranger, who was brightening up a bit," the arguments in that petition are conclusive; what are we to the North Island, or the North Island to us ? ain't they two countries divided by Cook Straits? ain't we living in one island, and they in the other?" "Yes," said I, "that is an accomplished fact. The two islands is not one; they couldn't be made one by St. Athanasius himself, that's as plain as my Betsy Jane's one - eyed cousin, who once frightened an alligator into fits when upset in the Talapoolsa river. The critter never came too, he didn't dare, and was drouned in consekens." At this the stranger smiled, with a more grinnier kind of smile than he had smiled before. In the warm beams of a genial sympathy, the saddest heart turns like the sunflower to the morning sun, and shows its inside. I didn't give expression to this poetical idee, but threw a look of intense interest into my expressive countenance. It has often been remarked by the press, that my countenance is very expressive. This was remarked by the press wheu I got my posters printed. In business people get to know one another. I take a good deal of knowing. This is a digression. My thoughts often g et into a sidiug, but they always come back to the main line. It ain't a bad plan for avoiding collisions. The stranger called for more licker, and continued to pour his troubles into my sympathising shirt front. N.B.— A common writer would say " bazzuin," but I thiuk that sounds namby pamby and feminine, except in a poet. I am not a poet. A relashun ol mine was, and he came to a bad endHe married and had a large family. As Mr W. Shakespear beautifully observes, ' he lisped in numbers and the numbers

me " Being a poet, he cojild Dot f?et.a Crament situation.. The laat thing f heard of him was, that lie died iserably. I ain't hearn from him \ e I sent his widow six postage hmps. She returned them with an 8 Ljteful and impertinent letter-. I Se done .with her.. I.disown those •nfamously poor relations, on principle. | ffrUD gmy^eling ; h e (,rt,but;pd, ql "alone I did; it, as MrCono-. 1 mis, Le to do things alone'when we cau't; t help- He fl p stranger—notmy•.abandoned relaL, «that things' wouldii't; go on as Ly were doing,: that Otago. wasn't. M ina to allow the people in.the North; f o <roon dkeinbowelling natives,, and uttiDg°ff their ears, etcetera,, and so drive them into ft war,: which'she; (Ota™) had to pay for." I■.observed: that I'd °P en poking around the North Island some time, and "hadn't ii aU y natives without ears, and jnsides to them, and that I:didn't know au y one wto liad. Kifact; it wasn't true. ..Says he y ! !.J've-'th"e ; authority of a colonel ■ iri, the; British n y for the statement. He wrote all shout it to the Home Govern-:' meiit, and they wrote out again jud told Sir Gteofge Grey, that he musn't alio* General. ; Ghute to ,;db. things of this kind by the advice of'the Colonial Ministers. Thatthe English; public had strong prejudices.' on such; subjects, though of course the .colonists hacTnot. Besides, a secret; blue book, has been sent out%/thenar; labelled private and'confidential."W"]ierethere's so much-smoke; there must be ire." " If it ttrue,;vke" added, "do you : suppose, the.English government wouldn't,dismissi iromthe' service the author of such; calumnies ? Didn't they dismiss Jamaica Brand for conduct much less'unbecoming an officer and a gentleman' than this would be?" ''Wali,''; : .;l : sai(l, ; «ypur argument aint bad, but itfs.only got: one leg. If them Britishers allers did tie right thing, it might; stand. Du they! No, by^io.means, unleßs it. suits them, or unless there's someone going rampaging, abput,. shouting, ' bang Ayre!' 'giveevery maii a vote!' or 'a blunderbuss!' or 'a box; of nitro-glycerine!' Then the British; nation is eiithoosiastie. If the South hayn't retained Beales, M.A., or bribed; J.Bright, your,argument.can't'.;stand without hopping..'When, it begins to hop, I cave ..'in;.. . I' ican't catch it. I wori'titry;''. ■ 3?fae stranger looked puzzled; my metaphers was too much for him.;. There are a. good many stupid pebplein the world. I often find it difficult to adapt things to some people's comprehension," Still little kettles uas their uses. They, bile/ quick. Hot water is wanted at times. Its good for washing up withi Tliis is a dirty planet, and frequently , gets considerable, slimcy. In: the French revolution the little kettles did a deal. of good.;. They Med' over ,a consider-, ablesomeandscalded folks; but the big ones wouldneverhave biled at all; It wasthusiy in the States/ ..The worst is that little;; •kettles .ioften bile" : when there's nothing to wash., I thought this was the thusness of my.friend; Is it also so with many of the 50U0 ? : Tell me is it so ?. He wouldn't tell me, but I gathered from the. stranger., that it was. I did not arguethe point with him much.. It was '.clear, .he did : not like contradiction.; His facts were his own property, and he did as be chose withthem. So were his reasons., He was a nice man, as I said before—yery civil to himself, tte never insulted himself by doubting his; knowledge of things. He remarked that what he said he meant, and what he said he'd stick too. Just.then, when he had ordered more licker and said "the petition was the thing;"--: "petition,"—he had said this; several' hundred times before,—Some one called him iaway. He passed away; We are all parsing away ! parsing away!! Turning to the bar-maid, and putting into my intelligent face a benevolent and invitiug expression, I said, "Is that noble'and aristocratic person, who just now. departed from amongst us, a elder of the church, of a younger brother driven from his paternal .mansion by the infamous law of primogeniture?" She said quite simply is No,, he's an M.P;" Said I, "Swee£..,..inaid; does that stand for " middle partriot ?'' " She exclaimed, "Go way;" this had reference to the fack that I was about to take her fair hand in mine.. I went. -She was a sweet ereature. I am of opinion that there is a tendency in.bars to develop, female beauty. It is a sweet thought; we human face divine is made diviner by bars, Bar-maids are always.superior, young women in looks. It is perhaps hecause they catch. their beauty from we bar fixings, and their; sweetness from the sugar. They mix with sugar a good As the songster observes, "A '' lln g of beauty is a joy for ever." weet bar-maid be my joy for ever!. l«e above is pure fancy. To conclude, [ n J to sum up. Firstly-! don't bel 'eve the Otago people will'get Reparation. Secondly—l don't be-. e it would be -good for them; don't believe they want it.: "hen a young lady sitting down to, | be piano sings, : "I wish I were a butterfly" or" I would I were a daisy" she woulds that she. had several dozen fi°wns as fine as'the butterfly's wings, p that she was as; sick looking asa ai3 y No gal'ever wooded that she was' J butterfly or flower* with m c p and a root. If she was made "at she wooded,'.she'd very soon wish: )e had'nt wooded, any tiling so ridiil" It's only .her way of expressin J 6l " aspirations! She'd...like, to dress et , te r and look prettyer than she is, f I ? 8 "tog ß a song Which as a literal 's dam nonsense. Tliiisly % ii ll bthe Dunedinseperationist.. ,They /? that old separation, song, because j'f tune runs in their heads;. lv s a . s crukey old tune,.and 'the ■ j t ° r ! Jii is confounded nonsense, but I. J°st means that^.;thep■■want■ : .^a: : .Wore progress. It's their way of ffo they want to get along. Some and e J*°P le aiat quite; humanbeins, sa y exactly:what tliev.-want-you , a i Is whafc tiie ? ik e the thin" S l wariii the; : nice 88 % can get, Most of them is

dimented, donkeys, and., the rest is aIU fired rogues.., Still some ■: of ;;;therri has;: some bits of brain .adhering onto the Interior of their skulls. vThese peraons don't, want; government to; cost twelve pound per..head!■;. They don't want ; to' _smash '■> up. their.;.;credit, and sell; their bonds at seyenty-fiye below par.. They don't want to be; governed by.: Such.great little: men as Macandrew, and Reynolds, in spite of their" cheap prisoiis,.aud ..kerosine ; ile; wells 1 ;and harcppters. They; : 'dbh't. ; .want to have a everlasting fuss about ■the seat of government! They don't: want to have, a perpetual ro\vdedpw, : about prpteckshiin .and. free ...trade.. Wbuld!ht they feel meaii if .they behaved shabby to tlieir blood relations? It is true that Engjattd 4idiit is too true.. She.went; on naggipg. at the colony for twenty years, and telling her relatives to do tliis, : and not :to do- that, and to; : copy; ;lier \ yirtoos.,' feeling good all .oyer the whple.time, till, she'd got them .into, a hole, and there she left 'emy pay to get iem put. But.. ..she's a miserable \ 'bid cussi' The Otago; people aint going, to copy...her. A great country can-dp :;a great deal that a little one can-fe- The British nation is too big. to kick.. . The American. Eagle may dig his claw* into em spine '; dajr > hut at present he wont It aint ;worth while. > CNTo, the. ;! Otaga people wouldnlt liketo be pointed at as a set of meanißcally ; wags.;: ; They dpn't/waht to prove that they.are; tod shorfcBJghted and selfish to gine in: with their fellpw-beins, and. make ; a nation. No, even them petitioners wouldilike to be ': mistook for Canterbury gentlemen. They to; get -smudged oilt of creation,by the process of natural 'selection. .They don't want to be a uasty crawley winged maggptty sort of insect, or a thing with: mots that can't dancer""'iSfp.t"' a; bit ;pf it they know 1 better. They ain't such bprn: idiots as ;a!l that.comes to.-. :As theygrow older they will; ask; for what is good for them in plain English, .and get it. They will grow ashamed of crying:for the moon, . ■aiid expressing their feelings in absurd songs. Tes,;sir, intiinethey will become sensible and virtuous, and they will be happy, that they, should be so. : is the sincere wish of, sir, Your respected friend, ' . Abtemtjs WABDi