HUMOUR.

Lake County Press, Issue 2159, 7 March 1907, Page 2

HUMOUR.

1 Few men are conceited enough to bo satisfied with tho hang of their trousers. The inoro healths a man driuks tho less ho will have himself the next morning.— Chicago later Ocean. Strnugo nut True—' The quiet marriage* makes tho most noise when it gets out. — Tezas Sifliugs. * Poor Emma ! She has so much to livo for.' ' Yes ; they say her husband's lifujs insured for £10,000.' "Women may be tho weaker vessel, but it's always tho husband who's broke.—Cleveland Piaiu Dealer. Silenced.—' You never saw my hands in such a dirty state as yours,' said a mother to her little daughter. 'No ; but grandma did,' replied the experienced child. AWKWAUD FOR Au.N'TIE.— * When I WUS your age,' euid the Aunt, • I never told n lie* ' When did you begin, Auntie r" said little Annie. Novor accuse a msn of laughing ;it his owu jokos. The chances are they are not his. ' What shall I do with this articlo on tho city drinking water?' said tho editor's assistant. ' Boil it dotvu,' was the reply. ' I told her I would lay the world at her feot.' 'What did she say*?' • She said it' I was that athletic I ought to be travelling with a show.' The Medium : ' I am in convnunicaMon with the spirit of the deceased Mr. Soaudso. Does any ono wish to ask him a question i" A Voice : ' Is it hot enough for you '(* Elsio : • Why doGs your husband speak of you as his right baud ?' Mrs. Itay : ' Give it up, unless because ho never lots his right hand know what his left hand dooth.' 'Pit,'said little Johnny? looking up from his book, 'it says hero that tho martyr was broke . upon the wheel. What does that mean?' 'Oh,' replied pa, 'I suppose ho couldn't keep up his bicycle instalments.' ' What did father say when you asked him for my hand?' asked tho young woman. 'Oh,' replied Augustus, 'he did his best to be pleasant. He said there was something about- mo that he really admired.' » Did ho say what?' ' Yes. My impudence.' 'I believe,' said tho candidate, ' that my country calls mo.' 'lf you aro alludiu'ter that noise you hoard just now,' said tho old farmer, 'you ate somewhat mistook. Hit war nothiu' but the ole mule a-brayiu' in the yard.' She—You may say what you will, I think you will find that women are less wicked than men. I expect that heaven will bo inhabited principally by women.' He—' Very likely. Tho men, of course, will generally bo found in the smoking place below.' Boy: Plaze, Oi wants a penn'orth o' sum mut, but Oi forgets what 'ti*. Shopman : Tea or coffee ? Boy : Noa, '(ain't that. Shopman: Butter, <u- cheese, or bacon? Boy: Noa. Shopman : Well, is it blacking, or blaeklead, or lard ? Bjy : Noa. Shopman: i can't be bothered attending to you? Go to tho dev Boy: That's it mister, a penn'orth o' brimstone. i Hojik FOB this Holidays.—Fond Mother: ; Thi:i i* my sou Ciareuco. Ho is only thir. : teen, bur. ho luim written somo beautiful poetry. Friend : Then there is some hope for iiim. Fond Mother : I'm so glad to hear you say so ! Friend : Yes, when they are as young as that it is easier to lick it out of them. Brown : ' Why do you drink whisky ?' Jones: 'I don't know of any butter mo I can put it to.' ! Miss Biunstock : ' I toll you. man is but ■ an earth-born worm.' 'Julie: 'You couldn't have been very I lively as au early bird, my dear !' i Tho Bride: ' Whv d.i vou stay away from home every nigh:, Fred ?' Tho Brute: 'lt must bo the result of the habit acquired while courting you.'