DUMORIST.

Hawke's Bay Herald, Volume XXII, Issue 7928, 17 December 1887, Page 5

DUMORIST.

11 Why is a small boy like a woman P" said a certain man to his troublesome -wife. .No response. " Beoause he will make a man grown," said the connndfumist. A HoraeThrnst.— Miss Oronger, : I'm sure, dear, she talked scandal the whole time she stayed. Miss Lovelock :' Not to herself, dear, I presume ? Her Mother— He's a brute, ray dear, but don't cry. I gave you to him because he said he knew the secret of making you happy. Daughter— Well, he's kept his secret admirably. A Farmer said : '-One thing I don't like abont city folks— they be either so stnek up that yer oan't reach 'em with a haystack pole, or so blamed friendly that they forget to pay their board.", •Do you like men who flirt?' she asked and he, uncertain what to say, murmured :— ' Well, it depends." 'I do,' was her decisive answer ; and that settled it— he agreed with her. Early Citizen: 'Horrible murder aoross the street during the night, wasn't itP' Police (who is supposed to have been on duty all night) : ' Dou't.know anything abont it. I haven't seen the morning papers yeh' A queer thing about water is that it adulterates nothing but milk. A man can put it, in his whisky, his wine, or his oider. and he is all right ; but if he puts clean water in his milk he goes to gaol. Visitor (to tramp who is enjoying comfortable meal atßlaokwell's Island): You have been unfortunate, my friend. Tramp (bitterly) : I should Bay so. The judge only gave me thirty days when I fully expected six months. First Girl ; Dear me, the papers' say Miss Bainsay, a girl of twenty, who,goes to Cambridge University, beat all the male students at therecent examinations: Second Girl— Well, well ! Took.all the prizes? I suppose so. Poor girl! She must be terribly homely to be co smart. First Saleslady: -"Marie!" Second Saleslady— "l am here." Are yon busy f " " Yes." " Where is the other Baleslady.? " " She has not come in yet. What do you want ? " " I want someone to go. and a»k the lady cashier if she oan ohanjje a £10 note for a woman. "Confound that Jones! He'll never pay a penny he owes, but he'll give his last penny to a man who claims to be in distress." "Does he owe you?" "Yes, and I've asked 'him a dozen 'times for it ?,' " Work him tho way I did." " How'a thatP " " I went to him as a friend in distress, and borrowed the amount he owed me." " Sir, I hear you using the word donkey very frequently in your conversation." "Yob, your ears do not deceive you." "Am I to understand that you apply the word to me?" " Why, what makes you harbour such an unjust suspicion ? Don't you know there are lots of donkeys in the world beßide you ?" An old army officer to his man : " Thunder and lightning ! hard : boiled eggs again. How mary times have I told you not to leave them in tho water more than two minutes and a half?" " That's just what I did, General." "Nonsense! Then they wouldn't be hard." "They oughn't to bo. But» General, I believe my watch runa a little ' Blow." ' "My dear friend," said a ''man- ' addressing an acquaintance, " why don't you do Homothing with your • son ?" ' "What'sthematterwithhim?" "Why, I noticed that while be was playing with several little fellows he robbed them of all their marbles." "That's all right." "AH right ! My gracious, do -you want him to be a robber V "Yes, that's the drift of ray teaching. Yon see, I am bringing him up to' keep a hotel."