FIVE BROTHERS' FIVE FIXES.

Hawke's Bay Herald, Volume 12, Issue 969, 15 August 1868, Page 3

FIVE BROTHERS' FIVE FIXES.

P (From Chambers' Journal.) /' ' ' y'" ' " . PABT II.— WED, i THE PABSON's FIX.*. j Accoedino to seniority, Jack the, sailor % would have followed' ithe last speaker, but. - he had just lighted a fresh cigar and mixed J a tumbler of. grog, and declared he would ; not go on next. So Ned the parson . : was 5 obliged to relate his experienced "" ;y 5 "I do not know," he began,.?* gijpd - people,, what you mean by a fix ; but if f you mean an awkward predicament, which, j for the season is unpleasant, . but may or t may not end advantageously ,for the mdi-; i vidual chiefly concerned, I can relate to...- ;- . you an interesting narration in which I • was the principal performer ; but if by fix. you intend to designate some circumstance - in the chapter of accidents in human, life which of necessity must terminate very unpleasantly, like the case of our ehjer brother Richard, why, all I can say is that"— . ' . ' " You are an ass, Ned," burst in Dick. " In the first place, you know very well what a fix is. You have not left college long enough to have quite forgotten slang. Secondly, JSed, allow me to remark that my fix did end advantageously, most advantageously, for I got out of matrimony, and saw how nearly through it I had. got into trouble. Thirdly, permit me, my dear fellow, to observe, and I will answer for it that the rest of the company,.. or. • congregation, as I suppose you would, call them, will endorse my observation, that you are not now in the pulpit, and consequently you need not use the longest words you can find ; moreover, you may come to the point at once, provided you have a point to come to ; and although we happen to be nearly related to you, it is not absolutely ne'6'essary that,- in the course of your story, you should address us more than once as 'My Brethren,' or 'My dear Brethren.' " " Tres lien," replied Ned, good humouredly. " I will tell you a fix, a clerical one to boot ; moreover, it is the biggest I ever was in, and yet it ended so advantageously as to start me well in life. Just after I was married, I took the curacy: — a sole charge— of B ,in Warwickshire. I resided in the rectory, the rector himself being obliged to live in the south of. France. Callers of course came, but, owing to one circumstance and another, we missed seeing most of them. Before we had started on our round of returning visits, I received a friendly note from Mr Chilmark, a vicar in the neighborhood, stating that, in former times, he had known my father at college ; that he had the rural dean and a few friends coming to dine with him on such a day, and that if my wife and I would waive ceremony (we had not theu returned his call), Mrs Chilmark and he would be much pleased if we would join their dinner-party. I should remark that my wife and I had never seen Mr or Mrs Chilmark : we were out in the parish when they - called' on us. They lived about three miles on the other side of the town of W- — -, from which we were two miles distant. In those daysj I did not keep a close carriage, but drove my wife in an open waggonette. I did not know the country at all well ; but having studied the map, and got directions from an acquaintance, I had little doubt but that, with the help of a young mobh, I should find my way. It so happened that the night of !November 17, 185-, was very foggy : the moon was hardly of any use to us. We could find our way to the town of W all right, because it was a turnpike road, and I was acquainted with it ; but with regard to the other side of the town and the cross-roads, I hardly knew what to do. I made up my mind to see if I could get on at all ; and if I found myself in the least degree puzzled, I determined to go back, and get a hostler from the town, to act as a guide. As we were leaving W — — , and about to drive through a » turnpike, a well-appointed carriage overtook us, and passed through the gate just before us. I asked the woman at the gate whose carriage it was. " Mr Singleton's," she replied. " How fortunate,", exclaimed my wife ; " that is the rural dean. We know he is going to dine with the Chil-. marks ; so, you have only to follow close upon him, and we shall be all right." Acting on my wife's. bright suggestion, I did follow the carriage, and that closely. Luckily, my horse was a good one. Occasionally, when near water, we seemed to be plunging through darkness, so thick, was the fog. However, all went well ; and at last I was glad to follow the carriage before me through an avenue up to a large house, whose hall was blazing with light, and resplendent with the liveries of the servants. We did not take much notice then of these things ; but, as I divested myself of my wraps, and my wife wag putting herself straight in some backroom, T could not help envying Mr Chilmark, and thinking that his living must be an exceedingly good one, as he was able to have things in such style. In a few minutes we were ushered into the drawing-room, the butler making, as usual, some blunder about our names when announcing us. Mr and Mrs Chilmark came forward and kindly accosted us. My wife was installed on a sofa near the fire, and I formed one of a knot of gentlemen lounging in the background. We were a large party, about twenty in number ; and as the butler left the^ room, I thought I heard Mrs Chilmark give the order " Dinner." A few dull moments as usual before that meal, when suddenly an electrical shock of a curious nature w ; as communicated to the majority assembled in the drawing-room. The door was opened, ahd instead of dinner being annouuced, the butler ushered in Mr and Mrs Templeton. There did not appear to me to be anything unusual in this, but evidently a great commotion was created. Persons looked curiously at my wife and myself, and at last Mr Chilmark touched me on the shoulder, saying : "May I speak a word with you in the library ? ' L followed, and noticed my host, in crossing the hall, say something to one of the servants. As soon as we were closeted together, Mr Chilmark's manner changed at once. " Now, sir," said he to me, " what is the meaning of all this ? Who are you really P Where do you come from ?" Of course I was surprised ; and wishing my father's peppery friend, Mr Chilmark, at the very opposite side of the globe, I calmly stated wlio I was, and reminded him of his invitation. " I invite you, sir !" he roared ; " you— • y 0U — you" He bit his lips to check his angry words. " Yes, sir," I replied, " you did ; and you asked also Mr Singleton, the rural dean, and I have come, not exactly with, him, but just after him." "Stop, sir; no more lies." \ " Excuse me, sir," I replied ; " on© more word, and I have done. Either you . are prematurely drunk, or you are mad. I do not care to dine with either drunkard or madman. I shall call my wife out of tho drawing-room, and beg to wish you good evening." V " Excuse tne, sir," he hissed through, his teeth, while lie placed himself between me and the door ;," you will not get: off so easily, young man." Now "this was a pleasant predicament thus to be closeted with a madman. - ■ " Pray, .may I ask you what on earths you mean?" said I. „' pp y

. ? yy.ffij|y f^^^pa^^^^askvVou what., on 'earth ■ 1" Do you know yoti are P." . . ■.;.' .y ' yt£^'r^ the rector ii of «~rj'/a very^ old friend of my father, the y :late\3Vfr Temple "'of '-^-'5. 'T am standing ;int;yoto- library y&t your rectory, having ;,ibe^.{a"Sked''.^ereyto dine ; and upon my word, the; s^onerlget oiitof your hospitrabie touseiahd cuti your acquaintance for v gdodyHhe better I shall be pleased." ":.;- .ffle^griniedyhorribly.as I spoke, and - said^^' Tr anl i Lord Claydon. This is y Ciaydbni? Castle. I never asked you to >o^neY-and,4n\ short,, you are a scamp. I have j already 5 ; sent for a policeman, and "till^^ arrives, you shall not leave this ■yroOiruy Pp-p i'-P-.v ■-'- ;•■■ thought j, "thank goodness, he nascent 'for a. policeman ;so ere long I shall getJrid of this madman's society. ' WKa^tfffto, iknewhbt.' I fixediny eye onMiri,* and tried to master him by staring him but of countenance. We were both silent' for a few moments. At last my friend said to me :; "Your tale is ingenious, young man;, but: it breaks down. >If you toi dine with Mr Chilmark at W^Kectorjrjfhow came youto be here, a distance of sii miles from your pretended : destinatioh: P" : "■- v • ' y : T'then explained that I knew the rural deahy SMf .ySingletoh, was going to dine with^^Ch^mark—that I was a stranger injhe^puhtyi and was not acquainted with th^^fipads^tbafithe 1 turnpike-woman told me ii; ; wa^Mr'. r Sing"le^ton's carriage which Jjassdd'usatHhe gate, and that I had folpwebV it, : and consequently found, myself wKerelT nbWwas. 7 Light .began to ' dawn somewhat upon .the obfuscated senses of' both of us. It ;.. st^ck-nieythat my supposed madman was , , in "all probability really Lord Claydon, and that'iri.sphie'way I had made a' mess of the/ matter— missed my leading carriage in the fog, or done something of that kind. I imagine it began to strike the gentleman opposite; that possibly after all I might ndt;be an impostor. Lord Claydon— for so .Pmiist call hiiri-~then said : ." You tell meKthat- you are Mr Temple, the new curate of— :-•-.' • ' What proofs can you give me that you are what you represent your- • selfPy;:; 'y Ip- y ; ' ' „ replied I; "but not;mariy at present. Look at me, however^do I hot appear a gentleman and a clergyman,?" :,. .;, With ..a kind ! of ghastly grin, Lord Claydpn said : , "That goes 'for nothing. You. are not a bit better got up than — in fact, not so well got- up as . However^ I, want more proof." ?f Proof, !"Vreplied I. "Why, go into, yonr.; drawing-room,, and! see if some of yonr jQeighbors dc* not possess more information ■ tlian i yourself, and ask ythem whether; or not, a, ]^tr Temple has not very recently, come fo : be curate of ." '" ; Qh, very, hkely that is the case, sir; but I want proofs that you- are that. Mr Temple.", : . '..!".. "^ .V Proofs, man!" I cried, getting very, iinpjs,tieni^'^iprqofs, man ! Why, what anil to do? I cannot refer v .you to, my mother, forshe is not here; I do not carry mycardrcasejin my dress-coat; and my wife's. evidence is, T. suppose, not admissible. , I tell you, thiough, what I can do— I beg: to refer you to. my pocket-handker-chief, my stockings, and the tail of my shirt. .If, you like to inspect them, you will; find •* Edward Temple ' written in marking-ink." So saying, I pulled out my v pocJket-handkerchief, and indignantly thrfew it on the table. Lord Claydon took it up, carelessly glanced at it, and then, smiling, shewed me "E. H. C." embroidered in the corner. To my intense annoyance, I saw that my wife had placed iii my pocket a 'fine scented handkerchief of her own, that I might seem grand, I suppose; and not only that, but the pockethandkerchief was one of her marriage outfit;; I 'and marked—goodness knows for What reason, though Icould suggest many, and none of them; creditable to the fair sex -r^with the initials of her maiden' name; — the said pocket-handkerchief, mind you, being never to be used till she became . Mrs/ Edward ;Temple. I was not pleased at]all this; and you know it too, Lizzie, said.yWed, ; turning to his laughing wife, anH'.tlien went on :, I- explained matters to Lotd'Ci&yldon, ; and, said : 'Mt really looks awkward ;' : but mayl'beg you to examine jny; ! stsckihgs,' and the tailbf my shirt. My wife'rstpckihgawoW she caii^rdlyhayea shirt made like this." So.sayihg, j began.to kick off my dress .^jßUing%h ; hdoty; ':"■ ''"'jtiptd.. 'i : Claydon . interrupted me: "My dear sii?,! I cannot allow that. Be kind enough to forgive and excuse me for what hks taken place. I could not subject a fentlemah to the test you propose ; and if ;haye .byanychahbe been taken in again" laughed-^" aU; I can say is, I haveVbeen, deceived by the most perfect faeyiinule, of a gentleman." ""'Conie, Ned,,araw it mild," suggested Settler' Dick,, ;y 65 ."Will,, t returned JSTed, those were the wbrdsheused, and'ashe spoke, he held out his handi "Forgive me, will you?" Our hands' ;met in a . mutual squeeze. He s^atdowiiLfdr a moment at the table, • wrote ahasty note, and then taking my arm within bis, led me to the drawingroom. As he crossed the hall, he gave the note to a servant, with a message, of which all: II caught was: " Give that tb^— ," '..:." = ■;'■.''■ TAfeW moments' after we .entered the .drawihgtrdbin, dinner was announced. Lord Claydon took my wife in, and I had . an honourable companion; intrusted to my care, and fpuud myself in a prominent position a£ the "table. The first glass of champagne "iad'just been handed round, whehi^in a kind of stage whisper, the butler. , announced P *to Lord Claydon': " The policeman has come, my lord." His Lordshipbit his lip, and looked sheepish, bju); said nothing. ij After dinner,, a note was handed to him. Heihis'tay skimmed it, and at once rose arid^said: /'Ladies and gentlemen, at an ordinary dinner-party, speeches are detestable, arid the drinking of healths a thing :of Jbyjjone days ; and yet I must make tho on^and propose i.the other. Lady Claydpn'WS'Lhad asked our new neighbours, Vl Templetbn, to dine here today'T:, W,e^had not met pn.the occasion of pur^aHing n butl;had had Mr. Templeton pointe.cl ■.■qui to: me yin the street; When were introduced, I / ; naturaliy^^cbncluded ; they were Mr. and ffis. Templeton, especially as my biitler mumbled the name, though I confess Mr. Temple, hMdlx appeared to be the same person who had been pointed out to me P Siithe ? street as Mr. Templeton. Howfty^rEersons look different by candlelight : andrdayjight. • When Mr. and Mrs. Tern ushered into the ; ydrawing-ropmi ;I;Was astonished. I. at ;y§nce^ecpgpised;Mr. Teinpletoii as the ; "vjfntl|niafl been pointed out to ;'^^ijuldef Jthat tiame. The question, of 'iv Sp^^arose, whip \ can Mr.. Temple be? iyko^^y^^! an, impostor;. We adjourned j>^tpmy^ ; Hbrary,;,^ took place :^s^^l? HSiiwhich^ on my part, was cerIt vcpiite^ satisfied that iimoWsM?,m&& gentleman, though how gghj||ame|femy hbuse I could not . ■ exactly poW^MMW'^iiMk6tet.. a hurried' line to dinner, and . I i^^^P^W^f ßs^er- tothe effect that |^^|^Tjpaplej^aß^^aye7dined^ him W&^^oo^^oi^oii^A } io" ilearii that

by accident he is enjoying what Mr. Chilmark is pleased to call the superior hospitalities of Claydon Castle. As to superior hospitalities, all I can say is, that I most sincerely, hope Mr, Temple will kindly forgive my inhospitable treatment of him before dinner. I will make him the most ample apology he likes for my uncourteous suspicion ; and let me add for his information — for the rest of you have heard the story— that my nnconrteons suspicions arose from the fact of a well-got-up, gentlemanly clergyman calling here a few days ago with his wife at luncheontime. He represented himself as being the Secretary for the Society for , shewed me his receipt-book, and talked glibly of matters and persons connected with the Society. The end of the affair was that he and his, wife lunched here. I paid him a cheque for five hundred pounds, being a legacy lately left by my friend, Mr. ,to the Society. Unfortunately for me, I happened to be Mr. 's executor. I also paid him my annual subscription to the Sooiety. He and his wife made a good lunch, pocketed my silver spoons and forks, and their coachman stole some things from the stable and the servants-hall. So you see, Mr. Temple, I am just now, more than usually suspicious ;_of gentlemanly parsons." A good-natured laugh at the expense of Lord Claydon and myself rang round the table. It appeared on' enquiry that Mr Ambrose, who, was dining with Lord Claydon, drove a pair of greys and a close carriage, as likewise diet Mr Singleton, the rural dean,, who was dining with Mr Chilmark. The turnpike-woman had mistaken one carriage for the other, and owing ] to the mis-direction, I had followed the wrong carriage. Hence my fix, at the bottom of which you will observe was a woman. However, all's well that ends well. Lord Claydon took very kindly to me. I was a constant visitor at Claydon Castle ; and when the living I now hold became vacant, # Lord Claydon used his influence successfully with the late Lord Chancellor to get me appointed as the new vicar.