HOTCH – POTCH

Hawera Star, Volume XLVII, 12 November 1927, Page 18

HOTCH - POTCH

Irish Applicant (to magistrate): "Sure, a man has threatened to kill me, yer honour.”

Magistrate: “Do you go in fear of your life?” Irish Applicant: "No, yer honour, 1 go- in fear of me death.”

The servant of a German officer was once asked if he' got on well with his master, who was notorious for his violent temper. "Perfectly,” replied the servant. “We aie on such good terms that-every morning vie beat each other’s clothes. The only difference is that he takes his off while I keep mine on.”

The son of a wealthy, but self-made parents was giving an elaborate party to celebrate his eoming-of-age. One of the prospective guests, on being asked to attend, firstly made a cautious enquiry. "By the way,” he said, "is your father coming?” “Good heavens, no.” said the donor of the dinner, with a delicate shudder, “a fellow must draw the line somewhere.”

Wife (looking at dark growth)— "Vv'hv didn t you shave?” Husband — “I did.” "When?” "Just after,-you said you were nearly ready.”

Ills face was heavy and bloated, he sto d claspiiirr a long, bright and sharp knife in his hand. The girl was ethereal in her delicate fairy-like beauty.

"Have you no heart?” she said gently. The man’s lingers tightened on his weapon.

She sighed. “Then I suppose I will have to take liver. Half a pound, please!’’

The girl who looks backward generally isn’t.

The honored rule of the sea has now been applied by the barber shops—women and children first.

A few years ago being knock-kneed was a misfortune. Now it’s a dance.

Help a man out of trouble and he will remember you—when he needs you again.

“Milk for health!” says the propaganda poster. “Not on your life,” remarks clever Bertie. “That sort of exercise is too dreadfully strenuous!”

A very tall' man purchased one of those small cans we all know. One day, as he was about to enter it, a friend strolled along, looked at the tiny car.and then at the lengthy owner and said: “Gee whizz, Bill, how do’ you get into a ’bus like that-?” ‘-Oh!” replied the owner, "one doesn’t get into a ’bus like this. One sits down on the pavement and gradually draws it on; ’ ’

A London school-teacher took a party of his boys during the vacation to the Oval cricket-ground. When Surrey’s opening batsman appeared and walked to the crease, one of the irrepressibles jumped up and said, "Hooray! good old ’Obbs.” “N0,n0,” remonstrated the teacher, severely, "it's not ’Obbs, it's Hobbs.” There was a moment’s silence, and then the voungster burst out, “Bet yer a tanner it’s Obbs, sir:”

Ti e women in the corner seat of the railway compartment were quarrelling just after the train left St. Leonard’s about the window, and insisted <m calling the guard. If it’s opened I shall catch cold and die,” said the one. “If it’s closed I shall suffocate,” retorted the other.

A long suffering man here intervened. "First open the window,” he told the guard. "That will kill one. Then s'-ut it. That will get rid of the other. Then the rest of us can go to sleep.”

A racehorse trainer was celebrated for his genius in dealing with sick horses. Even though one of his string was ill to-day, it would be winning races next week. A riv-al in the district wished to discover how these miracles were worked, so one day he engaged in conversation the youthful son of the other trainer. “What does your father do when his horses are ill?” he asked. "Do you mean slightly ill or seriously?’* asked the boy; "because, you see, when they are only Slightly ill, he gives them medicine, but if they're real bad he sells ’em.”

A man. unaccustomed to praising his vvi.e, went out of his way to call her an angel.

“Mary,” he said one morning, "you are an angel,” and she felt charmed all day.

In the evening she ventured to ask why she had been so honoured. "Well,” said the wily one, “in the first place /you iarj3 ajjw)s(y!s flitting about; secondly, you are always harping on things; and thirdly-, by your own account, you have nothing to wear!”

An ambitious young man was being instructed at ins own request- by a professor of elocution in tne art of public speaking. The professor knew that bis vanity far exceeded his ability, so he gave him one last piece of advice. “When you have finished your lecture, bow gracefully and leave the platform on tip-toe.” “v\ hy on tip-toe?” queried the would-be orator.

"So as not to wake the audience,” was the quiet reply.

During a country cricket match the butler was pressed* ikito ajs umpire. Quite early in the game there was an appeal against the butler’s master for leg-before-wicket. The temporary umpire gave the following as Iris dignified decision:—"His Lordship,” lie said, “is not in.”

At a certain fishing resort in Scotland an elderly gentleman of faintly clerical aspect, passed the hotel one morning, armed with complete angling accoutrement. “Who is that gentleman?’’ asked one of the hotel guests of the prorietor “Ah, sir,” said mine cost, “that’s a retired Christian that’s 'ateiy come to stop here.”

Pro:ceding down a steep Devonshire hill, a charabanc filled with trippers celebrated its descent with a series of deafening backfires. “My goodness gracious, wot was that?” exclaimed a scared woman passenger to the man sitting next to her. “I don’t exactly know, madam,” came the polite response, “but I imagine that, for the moment, the chara and the hang have oarted company.”