WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 27 February 1937, Page 14

WEEK-END SMILES

literal. “What- would you do if you were in my shoes?” “I’d shine them.” HM-M! Jane: My Scotch friend sent me his picture yesterday. Joan: HoW does he look? Jane: I don’t know yet. I haven’t had it developed. MONEY SINGS. i “I can’t think why they make so much fuss about Miss Smith’s voice. Miss Jones has a .much richer one.” “Yes, but Miss Smith has a much richer father.” BILLET-DOUX. Wife: Let me see that letter vou’ye just opened. I can see from the hand-writing it’s from a woman, and you turned pale when you read it. Husband: You can have it. It’s from your milliner. THE BISHOP’S LAUNDRY The Bishop’s portly figure was often the cause for humour. When he sent his surplice to the laundry it was returned, washed and neatly packed, with bill enclosed: One bell tent, 2/6. THE CHOIR’S HARD UP ! Dan: Oi’ve just heard it said that parson be trying to find a good treble for the choir. Jan: You fair surprise me, Dani. I thought he were dead against horse racing! PREDICAMENT. Q.: My lawn is full of weeds. . I have tried weed-killer and digging them up, but they return. What should Ido? 'F ; A.: You must just learn to love them. EXPLANATION. A poet mailed an effusion entitled: “Why Do I Live?” to a literary review. The editor returned the- poem with the following' note: —“You’ll live because you didn’t dare bring it in yourself.” . : FUTILE. Tourist: This seems to be a very dangerous precipicb. It’s a wonder they don’t put tip a warning sign. Native: Yes, it is dangerous, but they kept a warning sign up for two years and no one fell over, so it was taken down. ON THE CONTRARY. Felix: How many sisters have you got, Willie? - Willie: . Three, and they are all grown up. Felix: And are they all single? Willie: No, only one; the other two are twins. . / LET OFF. Two Irishmen met after a long separation. - After various inquiries as to the fates of different mutual friends, one of thbm asked—-“Ahd what became of Patrick?” “Arrah, now,” answered the other, “poor 1 Pat was condemned to be hanged, but lie saved his life'by dying in prison.” K, SHE KNEW “I am sorry I am rather awkward.” apologised a young man novice to his fair American companidii at a dance. “Fact is I am a little stiff from tennis, see?” “From Tennessee?” echoed the maiden, stifling a ydwn. "Ge 6 but ain’t that cute! : Perflaps you’ve'met that fat guy over there by the cd6Kta.il bar? He’s a big still from Kentucky.” THE PICTURE Two Birmingiiani ; men in Paris were “doing” a picture gallery. One of them; stopping in front of a’ somewhat daring picture, exclaimed in loud tones, “What ho, Alf, what price this?” Whereupon the attendant, who had overheard, afixious to air his English, bustled forward with: ‘‘Pardon, m’sfeu, but eet is not by Watteau and eet is not for sale?’’

THE INVALID. The school visitor found one boy in a room by himself, evidently in trouble. “What’s the matter, my boy?” he inquired. “Palpitation and insomnia,” was the reply. “But you can’t be suffering from those things.” “It isn’t suffering, sir. It’s spelling. THE PRESCRIPTION • A doctor, whose medical skill exceeded the clarity of his. handwriting, sent an invitation to a • patient to spend an eVehihg’ with him, adding that there would be music, cards, and so forth. The friend failed to turn up, and sent no explanation. When they met the following day the doctor asked whether he had received the note. “Yes, thank you,” replied the other. “I took it to the chemist and had it made up, and I feel much better already.” BY INSTALMENTS. An Irish preacher, wishing to show his congregation to what depth a prodigal son sinks, gave the following illustration:— A lad left home with good intentions but. evidently go? into bad company. He eventually had to pawn his overcoat to raise money to keep himself. Later his coat and waistcoat had to go the same way. Again he needed money, and was forced to pawn his trousers, and likewise his shirt and vest. Then he came to himself.

PUT THE LID ON Two club members were having a heated argument in a city club lounge. Every moment their words became more personal. Finally one said “You’ve enough tin in your head to make a kettle.” “And you’ve got enough water in your head to fill.it,” came the prompt reply. Another member who had listned to the futile argument in disgust rose to his feet. “And both of you have enough gas to boil it,” he said and quickly left the room. DIDN’T CARE A lady and her little daughter had the railway carriage to thmseTyes, but just as the train started a disreputable looking man jumped in. The mother was somewhat alarmed. She wondered how she could get the man to Jeave the compartment. Suddenly she had an idea. “I think it only fair to tell you, sir,” she said, “that my little daughter has just recovered from scarlet fever.” “That’s all right, mum,” said the man cheerfully. "I’m committing suicide at the first tunnel.”