WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 23 March 1935, Page 12

WEEK-END SMILES

IN THE FASHION. Mouldy Mike (reading paper): I see we shall be in the fashion this Summer, Daniel! Dismal Daniel: How is that? Mouldy Mike: Why, it Says in the paper here that shoes with ventilated toes will be all the go. HONOURS EVEN. Brown: That Jones who has come to live next door to me is as good a fish liar as anybody I know. I told him an awful whopper last night, but he matched it’right away. Smith: How? Brown: Said he believed me. THAT’S DIFFERENT. The wife of a small farmer sold her .surplus butter to a grocer in a nearby town. On one occasion the grocer -said: “Your butter was under weight last week.” “Now fancy that,” said Mrs. Farmer. “Baby mislaid my weight that day, so I used the pound of sugar you sold me.” COMPLIMENTARY. The conjuror’s turn had not been going at all well, but he stuck doggedly to his task. “Now,” he said, “if any lady or gentleman in the audience will oblige me with an egg, I will proceed to perform a really remarkable' trick.” There was silence for a moment and, then from the back of the hall came a voice: “If anybody ’ere ’ad got a hegg you’d ’ave ’ad it long ago!” IN AN EMERGENCY. “I’fii afraid the doctor’s out,” said the maid. “Is there anything I can do, or is there any message?” The local charity organiser looked thoughtful. “Well, I don’t quite know what to do,” she replied. “You see, I’ve got a gymkhana coming on and I wondered if he could do anything for me.” , . “I should think he could,” replied the maid with a look of concern. “But in any case you wouldn’t do any harm to put a bread poultice on it till he comes back.” A TALKING POINT. A bird fancier was in the act of releasing carrier pigeons when he was accosted by a man, who remarked. “Excuse me, but how far do your pigeons fly as a rule?” “Oh, thousands of miles sometimes, replied the fancier. “And don’t any of them get lost? “Well, I used to lose one now and then, but I’ve done away with that now. I’ve had all my pigeons crossed with parrots, so that if they should lose themselves they can ask their way. home?’ BUSINESS SLOGAN. The school teacher was giving her class a talk on the sayings of the wise. “Now, here is a very good example of what I mean,” she said. “It is more blessed to give than to receive. “Teacher,” piped up little Bertie, “my father says he always sticks to that motto in his business.” “How noble of him,” said the teacher. “I’m sure he must be a very fine man. By the way, Bertie, what is your father’s profession?” , “Oh, he’s a boxer,” replied the boy promptly. HAVING IT ILLUSTRATED. Although it was the festive season, and Buxton, the family butcher, was expecting plenty of orders, he was rather surprised when a slim young woman entered the shop and asked for 251 b of beef. All the same, he cut off the joint and put it on the scales to be weighed up. “Will you take it with you, or shall I send it round to the house? he inquired, as it came off the scales. Tho slim young woman blushed pettily. “Oh,” she answered, “I didn’t want to buy it. You see, the doctor said I had lost 251 b, and I wanted „to see what it looked like in a lump. THE MISSING ONE. Wife: Isn’t it wonderful to think of the thousands of turkeys being eaten now, and in Nffah’s time there were only two. Husband (in difficulty with the carving): Yes; I wonder what became of the other one. TO COME. Johnny had been playing truant from school, and had spent the whole day fishing. On his way home he met one of his young friends, who accosted him with the usual greeting: “Catch anything?” At this Johnny, in all consciousness of guilt, .quickly responded: “No; I ain’t been home yet.” , HE QUALIFIED. The business man carefully scrutinised the applicant. “I hope you’ll fully understand what I require,” he said. “I want a chauffeur who can think quickly in an emergency.” The applicant nodded. “That’s me, sir,” he replied without hesitation. “I never yet smashed a car but what I couldn't think up an Al excuse in five seconds.” GAVE HIMSELF AWAY. Charles was an ardent lover, but his spelling left a lot to be desired. However, he thought it best to write to the girl’s father for her hand. “Dear sir,” ran the note, “I wish for the hand of your daughter, the floui’ of the family.” Back came a note from father. It ran: “The flour of the family, you say. Are you sure it isn’t my dough you’re after.” I C' PYRIGHT. Tho precocious small boy had written a note at the bottom of his examination paper. It read: — “These answers are copyright and must only be sold to the papers as jokes by arrangement with the author.” THE REAL MISTAKE. Little Bobby returned home from school the other day looking very much the worse for wear. “I've been fightin’.” he replied to his mother’s question. 1 “But why?” she asked, as he bathed his damaged eye. "All because I allowed a boy in the class to copy my sums,” replied Bobby. "What!” exclaimed mother. “Do .you mean to say that the boy fought you because you allowed him to copy your work?” “Yes. mother," said the boy miserably. “You see, they were all wrong.” QUITE SO. Boasting Explorer: D’you know I once went about South America with a price on my head. Bored Hostess: Dreadful. I know the feeling. I came home from a sale once with the price ticket on my hat. |