THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 20310, 19 October 1929, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Front-line Trench.—-Buggs; ‘“Where, in Chicago, do you live?” Muggs: “Only a bomb’s throw from the loop I ” v » » Wholesale Obsequies—Sir, would you give live dollars to bury a saxophone player?” ‘•Here’s 'thirty dollars; bury six of ,em " Enthusiastic Encore. —Rescuer; “I’m glad to have been of some assistance. Can’t we meet again somewhere?” The Girl: “Yes, ‘ rather. Save me here tomorrow' about the same time!” Getting the Low-Down. —Love-sick Nephew; “Uncle, what’s the best way of finding out what she thinks of-me?” Bachelor Uncle: “Marry her, my boy.” « * Clinging Vine. —“What kind of a woman is his wife?” “Well, ho has as much chance of going out alone as one of the Siamese twins would.”

GETTING IT IN THE NECK

The rain is raining all around; It rains on roads and streets, On highways and on boulevards, And those in dickey seats.

Pick Your Victims.—“So you got a big tine for smashing up some one’s car? [ thought you said you had a friend at court who would fix things for you?” “Just my luck. He was the follow I ran into.” * :i » The First Gentleman. —“My roommate always gets to the shower first and makes me wait for him. What do you think of a fellow like that?” “Why, I should say your room-mate must 1)0 a gentleman of the first water.” * * * Rah-Rail Girls.—“ Jack, have yqu over loved before?” “My dear girl, I’ll be perfectly frank with you. I’ve been engaged so many : times that my ex-fiancees have per- ; feeted an organisation and adopted a yell.”

No Reflection on Rastus. — Bobs: “Ye’re late this morning, Rastus!” Rastus; “Well, sail, when Ah looked in do glass dis mornin’ Ah couldn’t see meself there, so Ah thought Ah’d gone to work. It was only some time afterward dat Ah discovered dat de glass had drop! out oh do frame!” u Down but Not Out. —“The way for you to straighten out your financial difficulties is to live within your means for a while, until you get square ” "Within our means? I should say not! Wo may be poor, but we’re not as badly off as all that." * >t * Secret of Leadership.—“ Have you brought many people to your way of thinking?” “No,” answered Senator Sorghum. “Public opinion is something like a mule I owned when I was a boy. In order to keep up the appearance of being driver I had to watch the way he was going and follow on behind.” • » * Call .Bridget.—The stately old aristocrat was approached somewhat cocklly by a rich and vulgar young man, who announced: “I say, sir, I am thinking of marrying one of your girls. Have I your permission?” “Yes, indeed,” was tho reply. “Which one interests you? The maid or the cook?” Then and Now.—Grandpa was attending a party. During tho evening his flapper grand-daughter came up to him and asked how he was enjoying himself. “Fine, fine!” replied the old man. “I'll bet you never saw dancing like this when you were a young man, prattled tho girl, artlessly. “Just once,” replied grandpa, reflectively, “but the place was raided.” * * O Demand and Supply.—Two friends had met, and were, discussing business on the way home. "I heard that you’d kind of amalgamated with old 1 Marples at your game.” “Well, you’re half right,” agreed his friend: “we are ' in partnership all right, but wo don’t sell the same kind of tiling.” This . puzzled the other man. “Explain what you mean,” lie suggested. “Well, you ■ sec, Marples goes about selling a stove j polish that leaves a stain on your fingers, and two days later I call with i the only soap that’ll get it, off.” i

Tapping - Nature's Power.—An ant can lift four times its weight in raw meal or cake. And a wasp can lift a man three feet in the air without the least trouble. £ $ J|» ’ Taxi! The Morgue. —Landlady: "And how do you feel now?” Lodger:, “Just terrible. I feel as if I was going to die.” Landlady; “Well, you can’t die here; this is the living room.” Life’s Darkest Moment. —An average husband's idea of a wall-eyed liar is a man who boasts he can carry an umbrella over his wife without getting any back-seat driving on how to do it. Culinary Philosophy.— Blinks: “It’s a waste of time to roast him for being so raw. Jinks: “Yes, you can’t expect anything else from a half-baked nut when he is stewed. * Synthetic Whoopee. Modern Mother; “Did you have a good time at the playground this afternoon, - darling?” Modern Child: “No, Mother, the new supervisor was trying to instill a spirit of gaiety.” Excess Baggage. —“ What happened to you, my poor fellow?” “My girl threw me down a flower.” “But surely that couldn’t have made such a wreck of you?” “Yea, it could. She forgot to detach the window-box.” « * * Saying it with Sighs. —The French official was the epitome of courtesy. When the grande dame appeared for a passport, ho could not hurt her. despite a disfigurement, so he wrote: Eyes—Dark, beautiful, tender, expressive (but one missing). Buried Eloquence. —The Mayor had just laid the foundation stone of . a now wing for the hospital, and the spectators awaited his speech. “What can I do?” cried the harassed Mayor to his wife. "I’ve laid the stone on top of it.” A Man’s a Man for a’ That.—One of life’s funniest mysteries is why a wife whoso husband is about as pleasant as an earthquake to have around, will lie awake half the night worrying because she is afraid some other woman Is going to walk off with him.

Asylum Attendant: Has a fellow with nothing but a shirt on gone past here? Yokel; Aye. 'E be just round the corner. Oi thought 'e be just one o’ these dress reformers overdoin’ it. —“Passing Show.”

Every Feller's Dumb Friend.—A Chanulo ice-cream manufacturer advertised that he would give a cone free to every boy who called at tho plant and brought along his dog. One dog was reported near collapse after assisting all the boys in one neighbourhood to obtain their cones. * »;> a Slight Detour.—The tittle girl was crying. Her mother, to distract her thoughts, called; “Oh. corn© here, darling—come here and look at the airplane.” The little girl ran to the window and stared up at the airplane till it disappeared. Then she got out her little wet handkerchief again. “Mama, what was I crying about?” she asked. « s a Quoth the Parrot.—For a long time tho loquacious man in the barber’s shop had made comments on the appearance of a parrot standing on a ledgo over a mirror, saying it was the worst stuffed bird he had ever seen. “Look st its legs!” be scoffed. "No parrot ever had legs like that* It couldn't stand on them!” “Really?” said th© parrot, lazily scratching the side of its head. o As a Lady Should.—Mother was entertaining company in the drawingroom when Betty clattered noisily down from the nursery. “Go upstairs again, and come down very quietly,” said her mother. A short pause followed, and Betty reappeared, saying, “You didn’t hear an this time. Mother, did you?” “No,” replied her mother, “you came down without a sound as every lad!) should, Betty.” “Yes,” returned Betty, “I slid down cho banister!” * * * Needed a Reason.—A famous pianist was to give a recital in a largo hall. As the audience was filing in a man staggered up to the door and presented a ticket. “You can’t go in,” said the official in charge; "vou are not in a fit condition.” “Didn’t I pay for my ticket?” asked the man. "Isn’t it in order?” “It’s all right,” was the reply, “but you—you are all wrong—you are intoxicated.” “Intoxicated? Of course I'm intoxicated. If I wasn't, do you think I’d come to a piano recital?"