DUNEDIN'S JOKE

Evening Star, Issue 17368, 2 June 1920, Page 8

DUNEDIN'S JOKE

[By A Visitor.] In Dunedin when waiting for a tranj one does not say "I hope I shall get a seat." One says, with reallv very little hopefulness, " I wonder if i" shall get a stand ? " A tram labors into view. It is fall; it bulges. Humanity appears to be suspended from the roof"' bv straps; it ! overlaps the platforms. TWmotorman ia submerged in it; the conductor invisible. Swaying rather unsteadily the car approaches, hesitates, surveys thoughtfully a little knot of would-be passengers, regretfully decides that not even a Dunedin tram could find clinging space for one more participant in the joke, and proceeds blandly on its course. None of the Te< jected travellers are in the least annoved j< they appear slightly amused. Later another car trundles along; it stops. There is an excited rush to board it. This is difficult owing to the determined efforts of several people to get off. The opposing forces meet; those on the ground form a barricade by seizing hold of the tram. They show great tenacity. Above on the platform surge the ones who mean to gain the ground. Who will win? Neutral, the conductor hovers in the background. Reflectively, the motorman regards the vista of tram lines ahead. Finally the descending passengers form a salient which charges through ascending massed formation and emerges tri. umphant. Breathless and dishevelled, ths mud-splashed defeated individuals gathei their scattered forces. Cheerfully they scramble onboard to compete wildly for th« coveted straps. One form of the joke is fo* the tram to stop and start with the greatest abruptness. This often leads to startling denouements. A lady whose umbrella juts out is not pleased" when a gentleman sits suddenly and heavily down upon it} neither is the gentleman. A girl straphanger is confronted with a nice problem: Shall she let go now to search for he* fare while the tram is running fairly smoothly and chance a sudden stop, or shall she wait until it stops and risk a, jerky start ? She decides on the former. While both hands are feverishly fumbling at her purse the tram gleefully jams on all its brakes. She shoots head first at a> stout man's waistcoat, and he says " Oh !" very loudly. The purse empties itself on everyone's boots. The tram conductors in Dunedin are all born humorists. They have to bo. Quite possibly they wear some form of protective armor under their uniforms. "FaTes, please," says the conductor pleasantly, and after some preliminary struggles on the platform inserts himself successfully through the door. Thrusting himself side, ways on among the tightly-wedged passengers, his coat is half" dragged off, his hat is knocked to the back of his head, and streaks of hair hang limply over a moist brow. But he is cheerfully polite to the lady who cannot understand that 6he lias mistakenly given him a half, penny instead of a penny when it really should have been twopence* And ho ia wholly patient with the ancient and voluble man who wants to know—being a stranger—exactly how much further he can travel on the ticket in his possession, because in Christchurch Between countess interruptions the guard painstakingly points out to the ancient one that he had already journeyed a section too far on it, and anyway the trams never did run to the part of Dunedin where he says his married daughter lives. One can quite excuse the conductor_when he calls- out loudly " Stoilway Ration !" as the car pulls up, and sympathise with his bewilderment in wondering whv it does not sound quite right. The most amusing part of the joke happens on a winter's night after the theatre. Crowds collect at each car's starting point. The south wind whistles down Princes street, fluttering thin ekirti sgainst silk-<slad ankles; occasional sleets showers pelt icily upon uncovered headi. The waiting throng eye one another furtively. Furtively they edge closer and closer to the tram lines. Well they know that one small oar will 6carcelv jam half of them on board. Each thinks hopefully that it will be the other person that is left. The car arrives. The quiet crowd are suddenly attacked with a horrid disease called "I will get on—get out of my way,"which is known in other towns, where li occuie in epidemics, but is worse in Dunedin than anywhere, It attacks the patient's legs and arms, especially his elbow*. Often it is followed by (severe nervous prostraA stranger who' pputeutts the disease in a mild form ia left gasping in, tho rear. A pretty girl whom he naa really lather admised has elbowed him Severely on the chest, tjie handle of a stout ladv's ■Qmhreria has nearly eiosed Cue eye, everyone has walked "over Ma fee*, which own cowia. Now the car hw departed, leaving the left-overe to ooirtetnglate a 10-ininuto interval. Reafisifig dinfiy that Dunedina trams are realty Dcßfidin's graatesi Joke, the 6t*axsger limps paiGfu3iy towards the nearest taxi stand.