IRISH LIFE AND HUMOR

Evening Star, Issue 15140, 24 March 1913, Page 2

IRISH LIFE AND HUMOR

A FEW CHOICE ANECDOTES. ' Irish Life and Humor in Anecdote and Story,' compiled by Mr William Harvey, F.S.A. (Scotland), is published l>y Mr Eneas Mackay, Stirling. Mr Mackay has already performed a like service for Scotland and Scotsmen, his book on Scottish life and character being well known. The volume is illustrated by tho reproduction in color of several delightful paintings of Irish life and character by Mr Ernest Nicol, U.S.A. The anecdotes include many stories of Bench and Bar, the jarvey, priests and people, the Irishman at homo and abroad. Of course many of them arc chestnuts; but they are very good chestnuts, dry and of fruity flavor. Others are new. A few are of doubtful Irish origin. • But the collection is one of the most comprehensive and most readable ever got together. We cull a few of them : —The Judge and the Irish Jurymen.— The late Justice O'Brien, when presiding at the Cork Assizes in the troublesome times of 1885, was rather surprised that every person charged with agrarian crimes, no matter how clear the evidence might be against him, was found not guilty by the jury, to the intense satisfaction of a particular section of the audience in the court, which was manifested by unrestrained applause. After a particularly flagrant acquittal and an unusually loud outburst of cheering, the Judge asked the clerk: "Who are those people making all that noise?" "My lord," replied the clerk, "they are the jurymen who are going to try the next case!" —Why Pat was Obliged to Drink Whisky.— "I'm sorry to see.you giving wav to drink like this, Pat," said the village priest, as he met one of his parishioners staggering homewards; "you that were always such a respectable boy, too." "Slime an' Oi'm obleeged to do it your 'annor," replied Pat (with whom, by the way, things had not-been prospering) . "Obliged to do it!" exclaimed'the priest m surprise. "Why, how's that, 1 at ? "Oi have to dhrinkto droun moi troubles, your holiness," whined Patrick, giving vent to a sound which was a cross between a sigh and a hiccup. N "H'm," said his interrogator, "arid do you succeed in drowning them?" "No, begorra," cried Pat; "shin-c----an that's the warst uv it. The divvies can shwim!" —Tho Republican Hat.— Shortly after Michael Joseph Barry, the poet, was appointed a police magistrate m Dublin, an Irish-American was brought before him, charged with suspicious conduct, and the constable, among other things, swore that lie was wearing a "Republican hat." "Does your Honor know what that means?" inquired the prisoner's lawyer of the Judge. "I presume," said Barry, "that it means a hat without a crown!"

—Constable Hooligan Constable Hooligan was on night duty, and so preoccupied with thoughts of a wedding he was invited to next"day that he nearly trod on a man stretched on the footway. "Arrah, he's spacheless, art' if I lock him up it's at the coort I'll be instead o' the wedding." He knelt down, and then muttered: "By the- powers, 'tis dead he is: bad luck to him I" Hooligan saw visions of an inquest instead of the wedding, got the cadaver on his shoulder, carried it a quarter of a mile, and dropped it on Doyle's beat. But a few minutes before the rounds were changed Hooligan nearly fainted at kicking up against the same old corpse in much the same place. Doyle was going to that wedding too. —"Why the Court Roared.— In a court a man was on trial who could speak nothing but Gaelic, and an interpreter was called and .duly sworn. The prisoner at once asked him some question, and he replied. The Judge interposed, demanding sharply: "What does the prisoner say?|' "Nothing, my lord!" answered the interpreter. " How dare you say that, when we all heard him? What was it?" "My lord," said the interpreter, beginning to tremble, "it had nothing to do with the case." "If you don't answer I'll commit you! What did he say?" " Well, my lord, you'll excuse me, but he said: ' What's that old woman with the red bed-curtain round her sitting up there?' " The court roared. "And what did you say?" asked the Judge, looking a little uncomfortable. " I said : ' Whisht, ye spalpeen ; that's the ould boy that's going to hang yez!'" ■ —A Sarcastic Judge.— When permanent head of the Irish Judiciary, Lord Morris had a great regard for the independence of the Irish Bench, which he was never betrayed into forgetting himself or allowing others to do so. With any unwarrantable liberties or interference ho was impatient, and no anecdote of him is better known than his reception of a distinguished Treasury official, who, after a long correspondence on the part of the department, was sent over to inquire into the expenditure of fuel in the courts and Judge's chambers. The Chief Justice received him politely and asked him to sit down, and after listening with patience and attention to his complaint, said he would put him in communication with tho proper person. He then got up and rang the bell. When the tipstaff appeared he said, as ho left the room: "Tell Mary the man has come about the coals." —Trusting the Doctor.— A physician describes a remarkable case of a patient's confidence in his medical adviser. "When I was a student," he says, " I had a patient with a broken leg. When tho plaster bandage was removed, and a lighter one put in its place, I noticed that one of the pins went in with great difficulty, and I could not understand it. A week afterwards, on removing this pin, I found it had stuck hard and fast, and I was forced to remove it with the forceps. What was my astonishment to find that the pin had been run through the skin twice, instead of through the cloth. "'Why, Pat,' said I, 'didn't you know that pin was sticking in you ?' "'To be sure I did,' replied Pat; ' but I thought you knowed your business, so I hilt me tongue.' " —Doubling the Dose.— " Oi'm takin""this medicine accordin' to the doethor's orders—wan tablet ivery hour —an' it is doin' me no good at all." said M'Lubberty. "Thin, begorra!" exclaimed O'Haggarty, " double the dose. Take wan ivery two hours." —Ho Wished to be Called Early.— A story is told of a very popular cavalry officer. He was being tried for drunkenness, and among other witnesses on his behalf was his soldier servant. Thfe Court, anxious to give the officer every chance, put several questions to this witness with a view to eliciting any facts that might be in his master's favor. When the man said that his master, on going to bed, had expressed a wish to-be called early, the Court was distinctly pleased. A" man who gave special instructions to be called early could not, they argued to themselves, have been drunk. Hoping to get further particulars, they put a- further question. " And why did Major wish to bo called early?" " Faith, an' he tonld me it was because he was to be Queen of the May," promptly came the answer. That settled it. —Looking at the Bright Side of Things.— A disposition to look always on the bright side of things spares its' possessor much unhappiness, Jbut when the cheeru^qn^eas^n^mg^so.j^souiid

as Mr Dolan's there must some time come an awakening. Mr Dolan had lost Ins situation at the mill owing to his persistent lateness, and in consequence his ivifo was "low in her moind." But Dolan was as cheerful as ever. "Now, don't be losin' your smoiles. Norah, darlin'," ho said coaxingly. Oi m out o' wurrk, to be sure, but ."ras only foive shillin's a day Oi got. °' d , been gettin' tin shillin's our loss would bo twoice as bad. Rape that in darlin', and not be complaiiiin'." —After Punchestown Races.— There is a story on record of three irishmen rushing away from a race meeting at Punchestown to catch a tram back to Dublin. At the moment a train from a long distance pulled up at the station, and three men scrambled in. in the carriage was seated one other passenger. As soon as they had regained their breath one said: "Pat, have you got th tickets?" "What tickets? Pre got me loifej I thought I'd have lost that gettm' m th' thrain. Have you got 'em, Moike?" i!Sl ! Be ß°i'ra, I haven't." +i Vi •' j ve *£ £ U done for > thin," said the third "They'll charge us'roight n m the otller Solde of Oireland." The old gentleman looked over his newspaper and said: "You are quite safe gintlemen; wait till we get to the next station." They all three looked at each other " Bedad, he's a director; wo re done for now,.intoirely." But as soon as the train pulled up the little gentleman jumped out, and soon came back with three first class tickets. Handing thein to the astonished strangers, ho said: "Whist, I'll tell ye how I did ,t I went along the thrain. i i ' ■, l l azej plazel' I wfl'f a " d tlle ff? belon 6 to three Saxon tourists in another carriage."