Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXXII, Issue 107, 1 November 1941, Page 15

Wit and Humour

A small evacuee was hurrying to school. He was late and, on the way, he kept saying: "Please, God, don't let me be late." At that moment he stumbled and fell. He picked himself up slowly and muttered, "All right, you needn't push me."

An Aberdonian met a friend and invited him to have a drink.

"What'll you have?" he asked when they reached the bar. "A glass of whisky and a pint of beer," was the reply. "Here," said the startled Aberdonian, "less of that careless talk."

"I hope that's a nice book for you to read, said the fond mother to her young daughter. "Oh, yes, mother, it's a very lovely book, but I don't think you would like it. It's so sad at the end."

"How is it sad, dear?" "Well, she dies, and he has to go back to his wife."

Of two darkies in the last war, Mose chose the infantry, awhile Sam was attracted by the snappy uniforms of the aviation branch. Sam was soon back with Mose in the infantry, however. "No, suh, I wasn't scared," Sam protested. "The Gov'ment made all de 'rangements 'bout gettin' you up in the air. But then you got to make your own 'bout gettin' down."

Magistrate: What, you here again, Slatterly? This must be thes twentieth time you'-ve been up before me. Slatterly: Well, yer Worship, 'tis no fault of mine that you don't get promotion.

The lad had been brought by his mother for an interview with a prospective employer.

After a series of questions the interviewer asked: "Are you truthful, my boy?"

Before the lad could answer his mother replied:

"Aye, the lad is that. But, of course, he understands business is business."

I When Field-Marshal Lord Milne gave a luncheon in honour of members of the American Legion in London, reports an English exchange, grace was said by Mr. W. J. Jordan, New Zealand's High Commissioner.

These were his words:— "For what we are about to eat, Thanks be to God and the British Fleet."

A terrific crash shook the sleeping soldier, "What's that?" he exclaimed. "Bombs," said his neighbour. "Good. I thought it was a thunderstorm spoiling our cricket pitch."

She was a painter in water colours, and at a dinner party sat next to a shy, awkward young man, who found it difficult to make conversation.

Trying to put him at ease, she said, with becoming modesty: "I expect you've heard that I paint?" "Yes," he replied gallantly, looking at her face, "but I don't believe it!"

Two German soldiers were passing a billiards saloon when they heard someone shout: "That's in-qff the Red," and they promptly fled, thinking a Russian general was chasing them!

A soldier on the march felt something in his b6ot. His toe became painful and he was limping badly by the time he got back to camp. He took off his boot and sock to bathe his blistered foot and found lodged in the toe of the sock a pellet of paper, on which was written: "God bless the soldier who wears these socks."

The angler had just landed a catch, when the inquisitive woman chanced to be passing. "Oh," she exclaimed, "that poor little fish!" The angler replied: "Well, madam, if he'd kept his mouth shut he would not have got into trouble!" A New York City man died and passed into the Great Beyond. A guide showed him about, but after an hour of wandering the New York City man said contemptuously: "Well, I've heard Heaven cracked up a whole lot, but I'm telling you it ain't a darn bit different from New York City." ' "Heaven!" exclaimed the guide. "This ain't Heaven!" Charged with theft, he pleaded "Guilty." The jury retired, and an hour later returned to the court to announce "Not guilty."

"What!" exclaimed the "After he has confessed that guilty?"

Judge, he is

"But, Judge," replied the foreman of the jury, "we'ye all known Smith since he was a .boy, and he's the biggest liar in the parish."