Wit and Humour 1

Evening Post, Volume CXIII, Issue 1, 2 January 1932, Page 17

Wit and Humour 1

"Polished woman, Mrs. Brown, don't you think?" "Very. Everything she cays easts a reflection on someone." Phyl: "The man I marry must be a hero." Jill: "Oh, come, dear —you're not as badlooking as" all that." ''Humph! Brown absent again to-day? I'll bet he's got some 6ort of lame excuse." "Yes, sir. Broke his leg, sir." Mrs. B.: '"Is your husband in business for liimself?" Mrs. C: "> To; he says tho Government and liia wife and daughters yet most of it." "leu," snkl the local member of Par-, hament, '"I'm goiug among the farmers to-day, to a pumpkin show, or jackass show, or something of that sort. Not that I care for pumpkins or jackasses, but 1 want to show the people that I'm one of them."

Diner: "Waiter, this soup isn't half bad." '•' Waiter: -"'So, sir." Diner: "No; it's all bad!" Maid: "If you please, mum, that man who 'as been singing outside wants to know if you <sin 'elp 'cm." Mistress: "What a cheek! Tell him I don't sing." . . ■ Two cowboys agreed to settle their differences with revolvers. Both were dreading tho ordeal. The knees of one, in fact, knocked together to such an extent that they affected his aim. "Look here!" he said to his opponent. "Will you, as a favour, allow me to rest my les: against thif milestone to steady myself?" ; "Yes," agreed the other roan, "trying hard to control his fears, "if you'll allow me to.rest my leg against the next!" "It's no use talking," said M'Dooey, dejectedly. "It's impossible to make a wonjan understand even the first principles of finance." "What's the matter now?" inquired his friend. '"'Matter! Why, when I was away yesterday the baby swallowed a penny. And what does my wife do but call in a doctor and pay him ten and six for getting a penuy back!" Au Irishman entered the crowded inn of a market town, walked up to the bar, elbowed' several customers aside, took a match from the match stand on the counter, and then walked .out without saying a word. The astonished barman gazed after him and wondered who ho was. The next morning the Irishman walked into the same place, lit his pipe, and then made his way out again. As he reaeV.cd the door, the barman called after him: "I say, who are you?" The Irishman turned and said: "Oh, you know me," and then went out. Next day at the-same time he came again, and helped! himself to a match, as usual. He was just walking off when the barman caught him. "Who'are you.?" asked the barman. "Oh, you know me." "No, I don't. Who are you?" "Why," was the cool reply, "I'm the man who comes in here every morning to light his pipe.". . THE SWEETS OF LABOUR. The hall porter in-an Aberdeen hotel was relating his experiences of the latest arrival to the boots. "Yes," he said, "I carried his bag up three flights of stairs, and at the top he slipped something into my hand and said, 'That's for a cup of tea.' " ■ "And what was it?" asked the boots. "A sixpence?" "No," replied the hall porter, "a liimp of sugar." UNDECEIVED. Prison Visitor-(sympathetically): "Now, my good man, what brought you here?"' Convict: "Mistaken confidence." Prison Visitor: "Really? In whom were you deceived?" Convict: "Myself. I thought I could run faster." DECEIVED. Artist's friend (patronisingly): "I think those ' thistles in your foreground are superbly realistic, old chap. Ton my word, they seem to bo nodding in the "breeze, don't you know." ■ Exasperated Artist: "Yes, I've had one or two people tell me they would deceive au ass." RUSTIC REASONING.. City Man (on holiday): "How many apples do you get from this tree every year?" Rustic: "Not one." City Man: "How funny. Why is that, I wonder?"' Rustic: "Because it's a plum tree." Bluff Doctor: "Well, my good lady, where is the trouble?" ■ Patient: "Sir, I am the wife of BrigadierGeneral Vcre de Vere." Doctor: "Sorry. I know no remedy for that. It's a solicitor you want." SAVING TIME. A Scottish business man in London was entertaining a friend to lunch. The lnend observed:— "I haven't seen you for some months, but it strikes me you arc talking a good deal faster than you used to." J'hc Scot laughed. "I believe you're right," lie said. "You see, 1 have to telephone to New York onec a jveck nowadays." '

HOME COMFORTS. Husband—After all, there is no place so comfortable as one's own home. Wife—So you have quarrelled with somebody at the club? . TROUBLE AHEAD. Employer: "Do you mind if I 'phone youy last employer and verity the references he gave you?" Applicant for. Position of Typist: "No; 1 don t cure what you do so long as you don t ask his wifn." THE FULL AMOUNT. A country doctor, on being "pulled hiu-i riedly to a parent's house, found the lmiii in an unconscious condition, evidently from the effects of some powerful drug. "How did this happen?" he demanded, after working hard for- an hour or more at restorative measures. "Did you give him a dose of the powder I left?" <<Y es" *H'" the tearful w if e . As much as would go on a sixpence and HC more?" "Well, sir," replied Ihe woman, . "we couldn t nnd sixpence, so I used six pennies." l

I DON'T QUIT, j When things go wrong,, as they sometimes will, When the road you're trudging sceml all uphill,. When the funds are low and the debts are high, ;When you -want to smile but have to sigh, When care is pressing you down a bit, -Kesc if you must, but don't you quit. TOO CLEAN. . . Tll° manager of the big factory called his foreman into his office. "Well, Sharpe," he said. "I must congratulate you, on the cleanliness of the workmen under you." '•Yes, sir," replied the foreman, "I've got a good clean gang of men now " ; Indeed you have," said the manager. livery time I see them they arc wiping their hands." ■ ° FULL MAKKS AWAKDED. "Why," asked the schoolmaster, "are the days longer ia the summer than in the winterV" Timothy, to whom the question was put, had a ready answer. "Because the sun shines longer," he replied. ''Yes, yes," the master returned, "but why does the. sun shine longer?" Without the slightest hesitation the boy replied, "Because the night is so much shoner." AS A RULE. When a young man gays, "I'll take that matter up with the directors," he may have been with his firm as long as a week. When he says, "Now, my experience in cases of this kind lias been . . ." he has been there longer—inuybe sis months. Bvt when ho says, ''I dunno, but I'll ask the chief," he is probably au old-timer there, and the boss thinks the world of him. "HAKD" LUCK! "Yes," sighed Mrs. Van Bung, "I am having trouble teaching this new servant of mine. You see, my • husband is very fond of eggs just boiled to a certain stage, no more or less, and after weeks of experimenting I found that the surest way whs to boil the eggs while you counted fifty. Then they: wore exactly done to his liking." • ■■' "And your new servant?" prompted the other lady, "Stutters!" groaned Mrs. Van Bung. NO USE CALLING. ■ The- Scots dramatic society was producing a tragedy "with full lighting effects." One of the big scenes depicted the wronged hero living in a dark cell. In the dim light he was seen to stir and to exclaim, "At last the dawn." Nothing happened. "At last the dawn," repeated the hero in a slightly louder voice. At this juncture the perspiring amateiir in charge of the lights appeared in the H'iußS aud said crossly—"lt's no good you bletherin' aboot the dawn. The sun'll no' lkht." CAN YOU REVERSE. Have you ever noticed how a lamb, the most timorous of animals, will become suddenly brave when badly frightened? Well, that is what young Bingle is like. Bingle is so nervous that it almost amounts to a disease. He was at a party the other night, and sat against a wall between two charming girls, twiddling his thumbs round each other in a fever of fright". But it was very annoying. "Do you always do- that at a dance?" asked one of the girls, unable to-stand it any longer. ''Ei'—no," stuttered Bingle. 'Sometimes" —twiddling his thumbs in the reverse direction—"l do it this way!" JUST. LIKE A WOMAN. The two neighbours were Siseussiug their Wives. '"So your wife is getting absent-minded, eh? said Ihomas. "That's about the only solution' I can find to the problem," returned Gray. "Have you any real proof?" inquired Thomas. "Only this," came from Gray. "The other diiy I gave her some money to get me some shirts and socks, and sho came back about three hours later with a new hat."