POSTSCRIPTS

Evening Post, Volume CXI, Issue 74, 28 March 1931, Page 8

POSTSCRIPTS

Chronicle and Comment

BY PERCY FLAG!

Well-sinkers liavc found a great spring of water at a milk depot near London.—But what do they want it for? * * * This topical inspiration from ft roady-witted client leaves us somewhat breathless: — The Now /Zealand House of Eeprascutatives has decided to follow tho example of the Smother of Parliaments and institute the gag. When dear Sir Francis Beli'd the cat, According to dispatches, That feline turned about and spat, And got in some shrewd scratches. At this time of writing we haven't the slightest idea of what is happening in the big building to the rear of our open-air political museum, but thera may be a point in this"formula, if it ia only the stabbing.end of a Bodkin. Dis-closure (yesterday). En-closure (Legislative bull-pen). Fore-closure (shut out from enjo£« mont of). Closure (scrum formed). Gag (howl of closured party). Guillotine (see "Red Widow"). -'Kangaroo (closured party jumping mad). * Chairman of Committees decide! what-amendment* shall be debated. •:.- * » A politically-minded client in Mas* terton supplies this "hand-out":— Dear Percy,—Here's 'a blot for youi; family escutcheon if it is any good. Lot us call it "Old Lang's Sign." Lang's session concession repression depression secession evolution devolution revolution. M.TJ.G. (Member of the Union of ■ Gentlemen)'. * ♦ ♦ The General Knowledge Squaa forms fours, forms two deep, forms fours .-.. again (thanks to a hectoring Sara Major), and enters the Temple of Culture on all fours. Did you know that— (X) In its endeavour to shield the Civil Service from the "axe" Labour didn't care what it spent—of other people's money? (2) According to Sir Douglas Mawson, the windiest spot in the world ia Commonwealth Bay, several hundred miles west of Admiral Byrd's Little America? Gale speeds of 90. to 100 miles are frequent. (3) That the "windiest" spot in New Zealand is (or was) that section of the Legislature occupied by tna Labour Party? (4) Five thousand negroes in th» States turn white every year? (5) When white men turn "black* they are designated "scabs" l>Jj vociferous agitators? (6) The honest John Lang, Who wont up with a bang, Like a rocket extremely well thrown f ■ Is due any day • To return in the way Of the humble and old-fashioned stone! (7) Switzerland is building new electric locomotives that are to be the most powerful in the world? They; are to be 112 ft long, will weigh' 245 tons, develop 7000 h.p., and will be able to haul freight trains of 700 tons at 40 m.p.h. on the . steepest slopes of the St. Gothard x line. (8) We are never sure whether or not (no?) to say "whether or no" or, "whether or not"? (9) We second, with applause, the pro> , uuneiamento of Lady Astor, M.P.i] "I don't mind red-hot Bolshevism or Socialism, but I do object to hypocrisy and humbug"? (10) Our open-mouthed publicists should learn off by heart the old Chinese proverb: "Ho who treads softly treads far"? * *' * * It's a fact. In our untarnished aad open-air youth, we did boy soprano work in the village choir —when we were un« . able to sneak the family breechloadei; out for the purpose of scaring the rab-. bits out of the rushes. And now today . . . but we simply cannot bear to think upon then and now. Page boy—convey to us the Swanee whistl* with the sob in its throat. We cannot sing the old songs They warbled years ago; Grey-stran ds-amid-the-gold songs That many of us know. Too often they remind us Of things we'd fain forget, And then the salt tears blind ns, And make our collar wet. We cannot sing the old songs That. stirred us days agone, Making us hot and cold . . . songi That burbled on and on. Lachrymose, sentimental — Of kisses in the lane, And gentle hearts parental From whom we got the cane. We cannot sing the old songs; We cannot sing the new: The love-lorn-June-moon-souled songa That make you green and "blue." Not further to be jokin', The truth we have to tell: You see, our voice is broken, And we are "broke" as well. •k- * * If more or less veracious chroniclers are to be taken seriously there is a fool born every minute and a new crop of unmanufactured "howlers" every; year. In the States the "howler" is ;i "boner" —a term which suggests that the mistake is the result of stupidity, or bonehcadednoss. Anyhow—some literary wight has collected in book form sheaves of "howlers" guaranteed unadulterated. Among them are some definitions that are marvellous mixtures of errors almost touching on inverted inspiration. A few of tho choicest examples:— "The Acropolis was the she-wolf that nursed Romeo and Juliet." "Genius is an infinite capacity for picking brains.'' "An invoice is another name for conscience." "A fugue is what you get in a room full of people when all tho doors and windows aro shut." "Double dealing is when you buy. . something wholesale and sell retail." "The climate of Bombay is such, that its inhabitants have to live else--where." (Chestnutty?) _ _ • "The population of London is a bit too thick." "Man is Ilio only animal who caa strike a light," " Wells's history is a. veritable millstone on the road to learning." This one deserves lo stand with the delibonitu quip, "Michael Arlfin is not briU , Hunt; he is brilliautine."