Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CVI, Issue 85, 20 October 1928, Page 21

Wit and Humour

"These matches-are good." "Yes; they're, the best things I've struck." "Have you ever been in a railway accident?" - ''Yes, I once went through a tunnel and kissed the father instead of the daughter." Hotel' Clerk (writing a form)— Name, please? Guest—Thomas MacTavish Mac Haggis. "Nationality?" "Considers herself a most exclusive person, doesn't she?" "My dear, the creature even sings duets alone." "Don't you think, Arthur has marvellous eyes?" "I suppose so, but it was his mouth that impressed me most." "I married my wife because she was different from other ■women I had met." "How was that?" "She was the only one who would have me." ■ . ; "What are you doing now?" "I have found a new circus turn —the friendship of a lion arid a goat." "But aren't there quarrels between them?" "Oh, yes, they have their little quarrels, but then we buy a new goat." "Oh, George, do you realise it's almost a year since our honeymoon, and that glorious day we s,pent on the sands? I wonder how we'll spend this one?" "On the rocks." "I wish you would come and help mo select some trousers, old man." "I don't believe my taste is any better than yours." "No, but your credit is." A rising young artist was showing a critic through his studio. "This picturei" he said, stopping in front of one of his early efforts, "is one I painted to keep the wolf from the door." "Indeed!" replied the critic. "Then why don't you hang it on the door-knob where the wolf can see■ it?" The errand boy was-hugging a life-size tailor's dummy through ' the ' shopping' crowds, when a passing carman noticed' his \embarrassment, and lifted the helpfijl voice. ' ■ ' ■ • ' . i ,:..'. "'Urry up, Romeo,".'lie shouted; "'er father's after you." - : ■ ■ j • Father: Was Jack intoxicated when ho came home last night? ' . Daughter: I didn't notice anything— except that he asked for a mirror to see who he was!" . . • Manager: But, look"here, these aren't testimonials! ■ ' ; . : Office Boy (applying for post): No, sir;'' but I thought they would help. They're copies of the death certificates of my four grandparents.' '[.']' ; ' ■ ; Young' Wife: What ' is- this ticket, darling? , . ' , , ' Hubby: Only a, pawn ticket. Young Wife: }Vhy didn't you get two, then we could both go? The explorer was describing ■ one of his narrow escapes to a crowd of people. ■ "I grabbed hold of' the lion's neck, rolled over and over, arid-— '-*' ' ■ ■ Voice: And'fell out of bed! Husband of . Authoress—Will you- be much longer writing that novel? IWife—l am. just at the death scene of the hero. ' ■' ,' ■ ■ Husband (politely)— Good! And when ho is dead would you mind sewing on this button for> me? Jones looked coldly at his friend Brown. "A short, time ago I thought you never meant anything you said, Brown; but lately I have changed my mind." "Oh! Arid what caused you to alter your opinion?" asked Brown. "You remember borrowing £5 from me?" . . "Yes." . "You said that if I lent it to you you would be indebted to me for ever." "Yes." .... "Well, you are keeping your word like a. man." .-'.".' "I knew an artist once who painted a cobweb on the ceiling so realistically that the maid spent hours trying to get it down." ' ' "Sorry, dear, I just don't believe it." "Why not? Artists have been known to do such things." -,•■.-, ' "Yes. but not maids." An Irishman put some money into a bank on the advice of his friend. "When can I draw out?" he asked. "Sure, if srou-put it in to-day you can get it out again to-morrow by giving a fortnight's ■ notice." . , - , , "Among the prettiest girls present was Brigadier-General Blazer," wrote a young reporter in his account of a garden party. '..'.' The next day'he was called to the editor's room. ' ' "What do you mean by • writing stuff like that?" demanded the editor.. "Well," explained the reporter, "that's where he was." '. . An author was present at a gathering of artists, and during the evening he rose to make a speech.l -:.-.• "Gentlemen,"' lie said, "as this is an assembly in which art is largely represented; I feel it; incumbent upon me to say a few words regarding :the* subject of painting. Speaking personally, ,my only efforts in that direction were, on an occasion when I enamelled our bath. My friends said to ,me, 'My dear fellow, it's no good your going in,for painting unless you're prepared to 'stick to your work,' and" he added,1 "I- did." ■ ■