"LIFE'S FITFUL FEVER."

Evening Post, Volume LXXII, Issue 66, 15 September 1906, Page 9

"LIFE'S FITFUL FEVER."

» ODD SYMPTOMS. (By Dr. F. H. Charity.) GOVERNMENT BY DEPUTATION. Tho Minister of Deputations (tho Eon. T. M. W.) was radiant. Tho floor of his kiosk was littered with tho envelopes of congratulatory telegrams, and as his eyes gazed out over tho foamflecked azure waters of Island Bay a warm light of satisfaction, not loud but deep, shona in them. The messages said that he had made tho Department of Deputations a '"going concern" that was » credit not only to New Zealand but to Oceania, and they were right. He looked upon his work, and saw that it •was good. As far as his glad oye could see, tho shore was bedecked with white tents that harboured deputations awaiting their turn, 'for the popularity of the depcrtment had speedily made the precincts of the Parliamentnry Buildings altogether too small for tho multitudes that troopod into Wellington by steamer and train to interview the Minister of Deputations. Suddenly an electric bell tinkled sharply, and a messenger, gloriously accoutred,! popped his head through the doevr. "Number 2,000,001— a car-load from Waikaremoana," he said, deferentially, ushering his chief into the recep-tion-room. The Minister hurriedly donnod a crown and some ermine robes, , and took his place at asgorgeous table J furnished with a large telescope and J other astronomical instruments which commanded a huge hall. Mr. W. di- j rected the telescope towards the end of the building and pressed a button Immediately an enormous hoarding, one of a scries of a dozen, roso slowly from tho floor. Tho Minister turned his instrument towards the north-east corner of the board and brought his face against the oyo-piece. He beckoned to nis army of stenographers to sharpen their poncils, and signalled to his Chiefof Bill-stickers. Then a sliding door shot, aside and a great car came in on overhead rail, arranged on the endlesschain principle. The carriage picked up its passengers at one spot, deposited them at another, and returned for more. Xt was a dredge with a gigantic bucket. A clergyman, standing sponsor for the deputation, explained briefly that it had again called about tho village pump. "Since ws were Here last — *' he stated "I have kept the matter steadily in view," interrupted the Minister, glancing through his telescope at a card on the hoarding. "But 1 have not had an opportunity of placing tho pump before , Cabinet." "We*" estimate that an expenditure of twopence on grease will relieve our distress," resumed the introducer. "The pump works fairly well, but it squeaks. We would, of course, -find the twopence among ourselves, but it would be a bad precedent to help ourselves in this trouble." "Quite 'right, quite right," commented the Minister. ."I feel in the 3epths of my . heart that yon deserve the grease. You . merit nothing but the best lard. I shall keep the matter more steadily in view than ever. Put up a new card," he added, turning to the Chief of Billstickers. "Gentlemeii," ho resumed, "I am determined to make this department a model one. If this telescope is not fowerful enough., I shall get another, have ordered half-a-dozen cedar-wood hoardings, and I am daily expecting a •' supply of rich "art paper to embody memoranda of the deputations' wishes. As^a further reminder I am getting a cabinet, made — I do not say this mppantly, but to convince you that I ara r \ s sincere in my determination "to place ' all these matters before my colleagues. 111 1 shall have the handsome mnemonic stationed behind the hoarding zone." '_1,.3? he deputation looked pleased with itself, thanked the Minister, and withdrew per car. v The car had to make half a dozen trips to bring in the nest deputation, which included a representative of every back - block in New Zealand. Before the leader (Mr. H. G. E., M.H.R.) could open his mouth, the Minister of Deputations beamed. '1 shall have some more cars put on," he exclaimed. "The public should have better treatment." Sir. E. cleared lus voice. "Sir," he bs£an confidently, "this large and repre- . sentative deputation has no special 'grievance which it wants to emphasise more than another. Briefly^ it wants everything, and the members can prove .'that their claim is just. One of the objects specially appeals to me. Warngongoro wants a bag of salt to sprinkle on wie tails of rare native birds there, so thai they may be painlessly caught for transfer to the Government reservation "in the far south. I have a few other - similar requests. I want a law cobp&Ulds ****■ " FriW swan to build its nest in the summits of tall blue-gums or other lofty trees, because under the present qyst«H> of egg-robbery in the marshy lands the birds will soon become ex- . tinct. I want' a close-meshed wire-net- - ting- helmet fitted over the head of John Godley's statue in Cathedral-square, Christchurch, to keep the small birds off that noble cast of skull. I desire the Government to intervene in. the proper pairing off of birds, because the present cap-hazard selection of mates introduces an obnoxious element of gambling. There is too much left to chance. There are many, many other needs that speak for themselves. The Teremakau River Board ■wants a swing bridge for school children. The farmers everywhere insist on a bonus for patronising the Government railways. Hokitika cries for an electric car service. Kumara desires a new set of elate pencils 'for its primary Pcbool. A gentleman ot Paekakariki, £Q early pioneer, 'ost his pipe the other day, and thinks — rightly I may say — that the Government should- find him a new one.'' When Mr. £„ finished his harangue the billstickers had an hour's / work in pasting up the cards detailing the deputation's requirements, and Mr. W. kept them^very steadily in view with his telescope "Nrjiilo other deputations • waited upon him. One of these visitors made the Minister snort with rage. His eyes flashed, his cheeks flushed, his brow blackened. "Excuse ms, gentlemen," he spluttered. "Your narrative has upset my composure. A murrain on the villains. Please wait a few moments while I adjust my nerves." He did some handsprings around the room, clicked his heeh in the air, and finally came to an ordinary position, smiling. "Gentlemen, lam myself again," he chuckled, tweaking a gettial old deputationist by tht hose. repeat 'your story to mv, Yhii,lY hii ,l I am in a cool judicial frame of mind." Ho straightened his crown, picked up o> eceptre, and inclined an ear to the spokesman. "Deputations were getting a bit 6kck around our wav," the introductory orator resumed. "Your organisers, sir, •worked strenuously, beating the hedges and tho highways, but the settlors did not «cem anxious to move off to Wellington for anything. At last some of us in Daancvirke mustered together and dscided to a*k you to have our weather altered, but th'c people of Taiuape would bog join us. Tht-v wid they were too buty mating their living to bother about going to Wellington." The Minister frowned again. "I'll have the dogs brought here by a*■ troop of the Permanent Force, he roared. "I'll call out the militia to suppress that sedition." The billstickers. put up another card, the deputation retired, and the Minister fell ' into a reverie in which he saw the whole Government merged into the Department Ot Defmtatioi^