ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXIX, Issue 118, 20 May 1905, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

I Cholly's Snub.— Cholly : "I was weally sevL-ah with a uude fellah on the street cab today." Dully; "\\hut did you do, Ctollyi" Ckoll.v: -Well, y - t h = thip kept (.taring at me, horribly. So flnnliy 1 li.\ed uiy monocle upon nun and s.ud : "I h»\ , me man, you must bo dev'lish hahd up for something to look at, y" know!' 1 could .see ho was *nfly uu up, for he said, 1 gue&s that's i.^Kt.' " "Is your husbtind a very generous man?" "Indeed, he is. You remember tho«e nice cigars 1 givve him for a birthday present? Well, he only smoked one ivnii gave the rest to his friends " "its no use," said the Isar, dejectedly. "What's tho matter now? 11 asked his chief adviser. "Providence is helping the Japanese. Didn t you see the • story of an oarthqunku having thrown up another island for the Japs right in the middie of their archipelago?" "What became of your ideal?' "1 lost her forever." "Did she dio?" "No I married her." Flo.<ktns ; "I don't object so much to Fanny kissing her dog, but I prefer her to kias me before and not after." Wilkins: "1 know ; but don't you suppo&e the dog has his preference, too?" There is a story of a dour old Scots road-mender who responded to the salutation "It's a fine clay" with the grim comment on superfluous information — "Man, wha's dootin?" Young Fenthcrtop (at the party) : "By Jove, when 1 went to my apartments this evening to dress for this occasion and found I had left my enne at the club, by Jove, I was at my wits' end!" Miss Quickstep : "It is surprising to see 1 how quickly one can get there, isn't it?" • "Our poets are beginning to exercise I moro influence," snid tho literary optij mist. "Yes," answered Mr. Cuiniox; "they are certainly helping to sell a great deal of soap* and patent food." "Well, Hob Streeter hns failed for a million, and the creditors '11 get nbont fifty thousand, I suppose." "Does Bob feel sore?" "Naturally, yes; fifty thousand is a wholo lot of money, you know." "Ma," snid Tommy Twaddles, looking up from his rending of "Teny the Tenspot," "what is a bootless * attempt?" "It's the sort your father makes to get in without my hearing him when he ! comes borne late from the club," nnj swered Ma Twaddles, incisively. Piv I doesn't stop to remove 'em at the foot !of the stairs now. He knows it's no ! use. The Joke was Transferred. — Marietta : "Such a joke on Mr. Gayboy! Wo were out on the balcony between the dances, and he got the sleeve of Iris dresscoat all over red paint from one of the posts that were' just painted." Papa : "And did you go near the post?" "jNo. Why?" "Because you have red paint all over the back of your waist." I Townc : "So you are learning the jiujitsu method of defence?" Browne : "Yes ; it's necessary in these auto days ; toadies a man how to bo knocked down without" boing hurt, you know." ' "If your husband were to die, would you pray for him?" "Of course, but at tho same time, I'd pray for another." She : "Then yon don't believe in 'emotion f?" He: "Oh, yes; but the average woman's idea of 'omotion' is generally 'commotion,' " Charming Hostess : "Do have some of my cake. I don f t belicvo you've ever tasted my own make I" Delightful Foreigner (wishing to be polite) ; "Indeed — indeed 1 have, nnd I assure you I did not wish to eat anything else, for dars after." Younger Sister j "Whnt is stoicism?" Elder Sister : "Stoicism is tho ability to congratulate the fiancee of tho mnn you wanted to marry without showing any disappointment." No Argument Necessary. — Prisoner: "I don't think there will be any need for you to address tho jury," "Why not?" Prisoner: "My insanity will be immediately plain, to them when they see that I* have retained you to appear for me." "It was simply a question of veracity between us," said the oldest inhabitant. "He said I was n liar and I snid he was a liar." "Huh I" rejoined the village postmaster. "That's the first time I ever heard either of you telling the truth."

Tho Turnings of a Book-worm. — A dialect writer is not without honour save jin his own country. Incidents will happen, even in the best-regulated novels. A good title is rather to be chosen than great riches. Too many books spoil the cook. Love levels nil plots. One touch of nature makes the wholo book sell. The author who collaborates is lost. The more haste, tho less rend. A little sequel is a dangerous thing. Where there's a will, there's a detective story. A book in the hand is worth two in tho library. Rarity covers a multitude of 1 sins. An ounce of invention is worth ; a pound of stylo. Yo cannot servo art and Mammon. A Henit-to-he.irt Talk.— "Ono of my hoys had skipped his classes, deceived his mother, been found out, and caused much unhappinoss all round. I took him aside, and we had a heart-to-heart talk. Johny sat still, looking at me intently, and seeming to be deeply impressed. I thought I was making great headway, anil that my littlo sermon was surely penetrating Johny's brain. T never saw a child who seemed so absorbed, even fascinated, by my line of argument. But you never can toll. lust as I had reached the climax in mv appeal to his better self, a light of discover} 1 broke upou Johny. 'Say, teacher, ' bo said, eagerly, 'it's your lower jaw that moves, nin't it. " Bookie : "So, y'sec, if the 'orse starts a fifteen to one you get fifteen quid, ten to one you get ten quid, five to ono five. D'yo see?" The Innocent: "Oh, yes ; I see, perfectly. But what do I get if tho horse starts at 1 o'clock exactly?" What it meant,— Charlie was being taken for a walk through a cemetery. Suddenly he asked : "What does 'R.I.P.' stand for? Some of the gravostones havo a, lot of reading on them, nnd then at the bottom of the words there nro the big letters 'R.1.1V " "What do you think they meant" nsked his father. Charlie paused for a moment. "I think, father, they mean 'Return If Possible." Bitter-sweet. — Lady : "Do you enjoy your apple, littlo boy?" Boy : "Xo, ma'am ; I havo to eat it too fast. I'm expecting a friend of mine along in a miiiut*."

Mrs. Chugwater : "Jo,siah, what is th* meaning of tho word 'equinox'?" Mr. Chugwater : "It comes from 'equs' horse, nnd 'noxious' bad. Bad for horses. Will you never learn to use your own mind?" A Professional Opinion. — "1 never become angry because a man docs not think quite as I do," remarked tha professor ; "for when I find a man who disagrees with me I renlis© tlrot it ia probably with difficulty that he thinks «t all." A littlo girl went to her mother one morning and said: "Mamma, I don't feel very well." "Whore do you feel worst?" asked mamma. "In school," was tho prompt reply. Maude: "Oh, dear! I dread tha thought of my thirtieth birthday.' Clara: "Why, I supposed you had forgotten it long ago." Miss Oldblood : "Are your family early settlers?" Mrs. Ncwblood: "Yea; paw always pays every bill on the fii»t of the month." Strategy.— -"It is a great idea," ».\kl the Tsar, n gleam of hope cio»ing his face. "What idea is this?" asked the court official. "Maybe we can keep changing officers so often that the Jap« ancso will become, confused and chase the wrong general." She Had. — Ho : "Before proposing, Miss— er— Gertie, I wish to know if you have anything in the bank?" She: "Yes, Mr. Poorman, I have a sweetheart there, and wo are to be married next week." , "The duke is dead in love with her, isn't he?" "He is prepared io lay all his liabilities nt her feet.' On the Links.— Ho: "I wish I had money enough to travel. I wouldn't be here.* She: "Wouldn't that be delightful." b "What- makes your little boy awear so?" "Bad associations; he works in a parrot stoic." A paper published in Florida, in announcing a forthcoming wedding, says that "the bride-elect is a queenly looking girl of a sviperb physiognomy." "Was your Western tour a success!" asked Walker Tisfa. "It was," answered Stomungton Barns. "Eggs were so high-priced the 'audience tteew silver dollars at us instead,"