WIT AND HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume XVII, Issue 548, 28 June 1879, Page 1 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

« " Not a Foot between 'em."— What is the difference between an M.D, aud a bargee ?— One follows the healing, tuo other the towlug, path. A prosperous merchant has lat His motto—" Early to bed and early to rise j never get tight and advertise." A jockey calls his horses Kerosene and Petroleum, because they are a paraffiue steeds. A New Way toFighta Duel.— LeUaoh of the combatants swallow a dose of poison, and then toss up for an emetic. There is very little difference between a man who sees a ghost and one who swallows a bad oyster, so far as looks are concerned. Philosophers tell us never to be in a hurry — except when catching a flea. In that case you have to be in a hurry, be* cause the flea usually is. On being deserted by her adorer a young lady in the millinery line broke forth ia this way—" Such a wretch ought to be battered to death with thimbles, and buried in a band-box !" A man given to statistic! estimated that over 2000 toes were frozen during the past winter, by young ladies keeping their beaux lingering at the gate instead of asking them in. — American Paper. A boy at school, en being asked to describe a kitten, said—" A kitten is remarkable for rushing like mad at nothing whatever, and stopping before it gets there." A young lady ate half a wedding-cake, and then tried to dream of her future husband. Now she says she would rather die than marry the man she saw in that dream. One of the greatest feat* of woman's endurance, is when the female with the diamond ring wipes her mouth 3000 times in 3000 quarter-hours without complaining of the least fatigue. Tongue cannot tell the words or express the astonishment of the crippled soldier in Connecticut whe awoke to find his wife was üßing his wooden leg to pound the beef-steak for breakfast. Schoolmistress (just beginning a nice improving lesson upon minerals, to the juniors) : " Now, what are the principal things we get out of the earth ?" Youthful Angler (aged four, confidently); "Worms." A Syracuse schoolmistress thought to puzzle her juvenile class, and asked them where all the pins go. A little boy replied that all the other boyß bent 'em and laid 'em on the seats, bat he didn't want io toll where they went. What science has as yet failed to explain is how the consumptive beggar, whose placard Btates he is dying from the combined effects of six small children and the loss of his left lung, can sit on the corner all day in the rain, and get fat doing it When Burns was invited to dine at Dun* lop Home, a west country dame, who acted as housekeeper, appeared to doubt the propriety of her mistress entertaining a men ploughmm who made rhymes, as if he were a gentleman of old descent. By way of convincing her of the bard's right to suoh a distinction, Mrs. Dunlop gave her the "Cotter'B Saturday Night 1 ' to read. This she soon did, and, returning the volume with a strong shake of the head, said, "Nae doubt ladies and gentlemen think muckle o' this, but for me its naething but what I saw i' my father's house every day, aud I dinna see how he could hie told it ony other way." A contemporary has this tragedy of T*b. The thunder threatened, the tempeat tossed tbe trees, throwing their trembling trunkleta topsy-turvey. Tripping toward* the town, Theresa thought, "To-night Theodore treads the tiresome thoroughfares, thinking tha* " Thud ! The terrified truant turned to trace the threaten* ing turmoil. There, towards the tollgate tramped Theodore, trying to throttle two thieves. " Take to the timber, Theresa !" thundered Theodore. "Tell that to timid things," thought Theresa, treading tigerlike towards the trio. Then, telling Theo* iore to throw the taller thief, Theresa, baking father's toga, tied through the thickness the thief^s throat. Thus t*rminatedtheterribletroublesthatthreatened the twain. They turned triumphantly to ;he town to tell the tale. To-morrow ties them together I