FURGESON'S KICK.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 6033, 27 December 1890, Page 6 (Supplement)

FURGESON'S KICK.

[i'KCK's SUN.] Strolling one day last week in an aimless sort of way through Central Park, 1 saw Furgeson, a young gentleman with whom I am slightly acquainted, lie was sitting on a bench wearing a linen duster and a look of unutterable woe. I naturally asked him what was tbe cause of bis mental depression, and be replied candidly that it was his wife, to whom he had recently beeu married. ' The old story —ton much mother-in-law, I suppose ?' J. remarked. ' No. it's not that. 1 took good cure to marry an orphan. The trouble is, my wife has taken to painting plaques, decorating china, &c. It seems that lad is reviving among the New York women, aud my wife has got it bad,' replied Furgeson, with a sigh. I remarked that I thought painting china was rather a harmless sort of fad. ' Yes. that's what I thought until I bad some actual experience.' 'How did your wife acquire the habit ?' ' From a Mrs Plain, who lives in my neighborhood. Mrs Fiani has no children and nothing else to keep her busy, so she cultivates the various fads. I had noticed that my wife had something on her mind, and at last she told me that she was going to decorate some plates.' ' Yon should have discouraged the idea at once.' ' I did, but it was too laic. I. told her that in my opinion the proper way for a wife to decorate a plate was to first warm the plate, and then den irate it. with some nice roast turkey, a slice or so of the breast, and a second joint preferred with a little of the shilling and some cranberry sauce, Irish potatoes, Ac." •What did she say to that?' •She replied, bitterly, 'that men thought of nothing but their stomachs, and to keep v husband in good humor the only way was to feed the brute,' and from the direction of her eyes I think she meant me.' 'In what way did her painting china plates cause such disastrous results .'' ' Well, in the (irst place, I remarked that her friend, Mrs Plain, was kept so busy painting her face that I had not supposed she could find time to paint anything else, whereupon my amiable wife responded that, some men spent more time in painting their noses than a dozen women did in painting their faces. This was another dig at me, because my nose is a little red on account of my defective circulation.' ' Did she go to painting china plates?' • Did she ? When I came to dinner on the very next day the table was decorated with the unwashed breakfast dishes, and my wife was rivited to a chair painting away for dear life. I asked her why she was painting a cartwheel on a plate, and she said it was a passion llower and that 1 was a fool. I sank wearily into a chair, but I bounced three fcot into the air because I had sat down on a freshly-painted plate on which were two blue and red butterflies, which did not match the new ninedollar dove-colored pants T wore. And the way my wife lamented over those butterflies. I'll have to have a new cei'i'ig made for those pants, but that was a md!'c U'ille compared with what i was coming.' ' What ''other suffering* did you! undergo.'" | • My sufferings were simply indescribable. 1 am also a sutl'erer from dyspepsia, and nothing affords me relief except raw whisky taken internally. I was seized with an acute attack in the middle of the night, and grouping my way to the sideboard I took- a tremendous swallow. The supposed whiskey felt like a red-hot porcupine going down my throat : but when the doctors got to work with their stomachpumps, it felt, like pulling the same porcupine back by the tail. I had got hold of a bottle containing some preparation for removing paint from the hands. It almost removed me from face of the earth. Oh! no, there . ~ "-<t dangerous about these female is nothiu -*~r txe, o n sarciiS ti ca l]y. fads added -4 to sumv«.' • Well, you manage,. bf -^ • i /suppose so, but every .... My about a fresh crisis in the family. ' was a woek before I even partially re-'

covered from the effects of that remedy for dyspepsia. This morning, just as I was beginning to crawl around, my wife, who had been painting steadily without turning a hair, all at once began to be very affectionate. She said. ' Charles, dear, you are looking so much stronger and better. All that you need now is a little fresh air and exercise.'' ' She was certainly very considerate. 1 1 That's where I too was fooled, for she hung a basket containing two dozen heavy plates, gaudily painted, on my arm, and told me to take them to a linn that bakes the china plates these fool women paint. What do you say to that ?' ' That was pretty rough.' ' However, 1 tottered off like a little man. when a flashily-dressed man stopped me and asked how much my boss charged a week to send meals to a family of two. He thought I was a waiter from a restaurant, seeing me with what he supposed was a basket full of dirty dishes. I. used some bad language, and, before 1 knew what was coining, he had me down, bumping my head on the side. walk, dust feel that cushion-shaped wen on the back of my head. We were separated, and at first I felt a thrill of bliss because all the plates were broken, but I thought of what my artist-wife would say when 1 got back, and then I strolled info the park and was contemplating Miicide when you came up. I expect I havt» lost my position. 0 ! no. these female fads are perfectly innocent.'