FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3713, 9 June 1883, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

" It's Chili."—" I Bolivia." A person may be at the point of death and yet not see the point. The hard drinkers arc thankful for the cold water. They can attribute the redness of their noses to it.

Simpkius has discovered that the pleasantest way to take cod liver oil is to fatten pigeons with it, and then eat the pigeons. An Irishman bound over to keep the peace against all Her Majesty's subjects exclaimed —"'Then Heaven help the first foreigner I meet." The best conductor of electricity at present known is silver. The best conductor into "society" at present known is gold. It used to be brains.

A Norristown man -who is very fond of pickled tripe ordered his wife to have his favorite dish for supper. Being unable to procure the article, she served up a quarter of a yard of Turkish towelling, and her husband never discovered the difference.

Archbishop AVhately, on hearing a lady remark that the bay of Dublin reminded her of Switzerland, rejoined: _ "Yes, ma'am: only in Switzerland there is no sea and here there are no Alps. Husband (2 a.m., after a curtain lecture): "AVell, all I've got to say is you area person of such refinement and good breeding you ought to be above talking to a drunken fellow at this time of the night."

A mournful affair: Conversation overheard iv a horse-car tho other day : Edith —"Are my shoes crocheted. Mother— " Certainlynot, my dear." Edith—"They are black," ain't they r" Mother—"Yes, that is uudoulrtedly true " Edith (triumphantly)—"AVcll, then, isn'tthatcrowshade "i" Silence on tho part of the stem relative. A fair and buxom widow, who had buried three husbands, recently went with a gentleman who, in his younger days, had paid her marked attention, to inspect the graves of hor dear departed. After contemplating them in mournful silence, she murmured to her companion, "Ah, James, yon might have boon in that row now if you had only had a little more courage." AYe have received a story entitled a ' Dark Deed,' which is respectfully declined. _ The first chapter opens with 'It is midnight.' That is all right. It is often midnight—at least seven times a week ; but tho author forgot to add, ' and silence brooded over the city.' This is a fatal oversight. Silence always broods over a city when it'is midnight, in works of fiction—but nowhere else. AYe can't print a story in which silence doesn't brood at midnight,