FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3690, 12 May 1883, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

Features of Parliament—Ayes and noes. AVhat is tho dilfcrcncc between a man struck with amazement and a leopard's, tail 'i —One is roofed to the spot, aud the '.'(her spotted to the root.

Two Irishmen one day meeting, "lam very ill, Pat" said one, rubbing his head. '■'Then," replied tlie other, "I hope you niay kapc. so—for fear of being worse." The man who gets the maddest at a newspaper joke on himself is the same who goes round showing tho newspaper to everybody he meets when tho joko is on some other fellow.

" I ivould box your ears," said a young lady to her idiotic and tiresome admirer, "if" "If whnt'r" ho anxiously asked. "If," she repeated, "I could get a box largo enough for the pin_>ose." " The pleasautest way of being hung," says a contemporary, "is in a hammock. The whole body is then hung at once." The assertion is as positive as though the writer had tried bath ways.

An Irish drill sergeant who ordered an awkward squad to present anus exclaimed in disgust, " Hivius ! what a prcsint arms that is ! Jist step out hero, every one of ycz, and look at yerselves."

"I know a victim to tobacco," said a lecturer who hasn't tasted food for thirty years." " How do you know he hasn't'-" aaked an auditor. " Because tobacco killed him in 1851," was the reply.

When a gentleman at a banquet was

speaking of a friend of his ivho had the small-pox tAvice and had died ef it, an Irishman who was present inquired whether the man died from the first or second attack.

Clergymen ought to be very careful in tho choice of language or serious results may ensue. "My brethren," said one lately, " I will now pass," and before he coidd proceed a sleepy hearer in the front pew suddenly started into life aud cried out, "Then! make it spades and play it alone.' "By Jove," exclaimed Adolphus, stroking the capillary suggestions on his superior lip ; " the fellows say that a moustache hides the expression of a fellow's face, and they're all going to shave before taking part in our theatricals." "Hoav fortunate !" Avas the sympthetic reply of Julia ; "you AA'on't luiA'C to shaA'c, Avill you r" Paris milliners say big hats will not be worn at theatres next season. You hear this, young lady '. If you ivear a big hat at the theatre next season, it will be your oavii fault. Everybody aa'ill knoAv that it was not imported from Paris, but is only a home-made affair reconstructed on the ruins of a bygone year. Many a man sits up at night five weeks at a stretch, Sundays included, composing a communication for the Press on a slate, and then having spent another Aveek copying it until it might bo mistaken for a piece of engraving, he walks into the editor's office and remarks, with assumed carelessness, " There's something I just scratched off that I thought you might use."

An editor started a column of original paragraphs iv his paper which he headed "Funny Things." Pretty soon subscribers began to send in letters, asking if ho thought there Avas anything funny iv such and such items. To such an extent was his humor questioned that he finally caused the heading to be changed to " Things Funny and Otherwise." Still his readers persisted in annoying him, and noiv ho is running the column as " Things Otherwise," to see if that ivill suit. them. The generosity of those who rule in Irelaud is something magnificent. On the occasion of 300 women leaving Limerick for the cotton mills of Ncav Hampshire, U.S., the authorities determined to give each one of them an outfit. For this purpose fifty pounds were voted, or about eighty cents a piece. This will provide them each w itli a.—that is to say, Aye only know of one outfit that a woman' wears which can be bought l'<>r eighty cents. —Toronto News. "' Ah : George", isn't it delightful that we are to lie married so soon '? To be sure, avc are not rich in this world's goods, but with such love as ours avc can almost live on bread and water; can't avc, -dear." "Easily," said George, ivith great emotion. " You furnish the bread, love, and I ivill skirmish about and find the Avater."