DIVERSIONS

Dominion, Volume 32, Issue 234, 1 July 1939, Page 6 (Supplement)

DIVERSIONS

I First Racegoer (looking through ’ glasses) : ”They’i;e off.” I Second Racegoer: “Don’t be silly. I The last race has just been run.” “I know—l was referring to the bookies we patronized.” ?•: *

! "Its no good mincing matters, ’ said the doctor to his patient. “You are very bad. Is there anybody you would like to see?” "Yes,” whispered the patient. "Who is it?” "Another doctor, please.”

The following note was recently received by a butcher: — "Dear Sir,—Will you give my little girl a nice piece of sirloin. I'm sorry I can’t come myself, as-I’m in bed with my youngest child and half a pound of dripping.”

An irate customer called at the laundry with a parcel. Opening it, he said : “Look at that!” The manager fingered the contents for a moment or two and then said: “But I see nothing wrong with this lace.”

“Lace be hanged! That was a bedsheet,” stormed the customer.

Tbe wanderer had returned to his home town after many years abroad. “There is one thing I’ve looked forward to,” he told a friend, “and that is to go to the theatre and sit up in the dear old gallery again.” “There’s no gallery nowadays,” was the reply. “It’s called the balcony.”

“What’s the difference?” “Two shillings!”

He hailed a cab and fell into the back seat.

“Say, driver,” he ordered, “drive me round the block a hundred times.”

The driver was startled, but obliged just the same. Round and round the block they went. And on the sixtyfifth trip, the passenger leaned forward.

“Step on it. buddy,” he hiccoughed. "I’m in a hurry.”

The prison doctor entered the cell where Bill sat looking very glum. “You seem miserable?” be remarked. “The missus called today,” sighed Bill.

“No bad news from home, I hope?” said the doctor.

“Not exactly,” murmured Bill, “but she said now that I was receiving a small payment for my work she would ask the governor if he would let me do some overtime.” . The pretty young wife put an arm round her husband’s neck.

“It. makes you happy to know that I am pleased, doesn’t it, dear?’’ she ask-

“Why, yes.” “And you are happy when you whistle, aren’t you. dear?” “Why, of course.” “Well, love, I know you are going to whistle now—here’s my milliner’s bill.”

A man wanted to see some typical Welsh mountain scenery, so he hired a car at Llanberis and told the chauffeur to do the best, he could for him in this direction in two hours, which, be explained, was his time limit. It was a bair-raising experience, the ear careering up hill and down dale at terrific speed. However, tbe man in a hurry was satisfied, and congratulated the driver when paying him off. “But, I say,” he remarked, "I’m afraid we must have run over something about an hour ago. I distinctly felt a bump.”

“Bump?” replied the driver. “Bump? Oh. that was Snowdon 1”

“I can’t think why they make ,so much fuss about Miss Smith's voice. Miss Jones has a much richer one.”

“Yes, but Miss Smith has a much richer father.”

Erie (shouting his prayers) : “Deal' God, bring me a big rocking horse for my birthday.” Mother: “You needn't shout —God is not deaf.”

“No, but grandpa is, and he’s in the next room.”

Tbe small boy, forbidden to eat a spoonful of salt, had eaten one all tbe same—and wished he hadn’t.

“Well, Johnnie,” chucked his father, “what is it like?” “It’s .. . it’s . . like sugar isn’t,” spluttered Johnnie.

A bus was pulled up suddenly by Ihe traffic lights at a corner, and a very old baby car bumped into tbe back of it. The conductor shouted reproachfully at the driver of the ear: “Tell me, what do you use for brakes when there isn’t a bus handy?”

A visitor was shown into a business man’s office. His face was a mass of whiskers, beard, moustache, and spectacles. “What did you say your name was?” asked the manager.

“Smith,” replied the visitor. “Ah, yes,” said the manager; "your name is familiar. May I ask —er — what is your face?”

A bishop in the North of England was staying with a country squire. When the maid brought him an earlymorning cup of tea he asked her to bring him a Bible. A leather-bound book was brought to his lordship, who, smiling, remarked to the girl: “This is a racing calendar, not a Bible." “Oh, is it?” was the reply. "Well, it’s what the master reads all day ou Sunday!”

A member of a club had the habit of consuming bis soup in a noisy and boisterous fashion. Tbe noise upset other members, but they were too courteous to protest. w One day, however, when the offensive sounds were at their loudest, a young and nerveless member strode towards the culprit and said: “May I help, Sir?”

“Help!” retorted the diner. “I don’t need help.”

“Sorry,” said the youngster. “I thought perhaps you might wish to be dragged ashore.”

He had completed his purchases and the shop-assistant, in making out the bill, asked: —“What is the name, please?” “Jepson,” replied our hero. “Chipson?” “No. Jepson.” “Your first initial, please.” “Oh K.” “O.K. Jepson.” “Excuse me, it isn’t O.K. You didn’t understand. I said “Ob.’ ” “O. Jepson.” “No. Rub out the 0. and let the K. stand.” The assistant began to look haggard. “Will you please give me your initials again?” “I said K.” “Pardon, you said 0.K.” “I said ‘Oh’ ”

‘Just now you said K.” ‘Allow me to finish. 1 said ‘Oh’ because I didn’t understand what you were asking me. I didn’t mean it was my initial. My name is Kirby Jepson. “Oh! Not O, but K. I guess it’s O.K. now.”