DIVERSIONS

Dominion, Volume 31, Issue 154, 26 March 1938, Page 8 (Supplement)

DIVERSIONS

Little four-year-old Mary was gazing intently at the visitor’s new hat. “What do you think of it, dear?” asked the lady. “Oh,” replied Mary. “It’s all right. Miother told. Aunt Marie it was.a perfect fright, but it doesn’t frighten me.” ♦ Guide: “We are now passing through a rural hamlet. American Tourist: “Gosh, I always thought a hamlet was a young pig.” « * >;> Doctor: “What you need is something to nourish your brain. I advise fish.” Patient: “What kind of fish?” Doctor: “With your brain I”d start with a couple of whales.”

“What is your trade?” “I’m a traveller.” “Where do you travel?” “Up and down a ladder with a hod of bricks.”

Second: “Why did you fall down? He didn’t hit you.” Boxer: “No, but I read his thoughts.”

Bandit: “Come on—hand over that hundred quid.” Post Office Clerk: “Sorry—you can only have three pounds on demand.”

A shabbily-dresse'd man was standing in front of a block of flats, and from her window above an old lady noticed that several people stopped and gave him money.

The scene touched her deeply. She wrote on a piece of paper, “Take courage,” put it in an envelope with a ten-shilling note, and tossed it to the man.

That evening the man came up to her and whispered: “Here’s your £lO, lady. Take Courage won at 20 to 1.”

Magistrate (to Irish witness): “You say the accused threatened you?” Witness: “Indade he did! He said, ‘l’ll whitewash the yard with your blood.’ ”

“The horse I w’as riding wanted to go one way and I wanted to go the other.” “Who won?” “He tossed me for it.”

Young Husband (breathless) -: “I got your ’phone message at the office and came at once. What’s happene'd?” Young Wife:-.“You’re too late. Baby had his toes in his mouth and lie looked so pretty.” * Old Lady (’phoning): “Is that Scotland Yard? I’ve lost my canary. Would you mind calling out the Flying Squad?” <. * » Gent: “Is is true that my son has owed you for a suit for three years?” Taftor: “Yes. Do you wish to pay the bill?” Gent: “No. I would like a suit on the same terms.” ajs * The Optimist: “By the way, Mary, di'd you put my cooking outfit in the bag? I’ll want to fry some of the fish for lunch.” His Wife: “Yes, dear, and you’ll find a tin of sardines there too.” * $ * Teacher: “Tommy, what is a fort?” Tommy: “A place for soldiers.” Teacher: “Correct. Now, Johnny, what is a fortress?” Johnny: “A place for soldiers’ wives.” s(« * * The master called the cook and spoke thus: “Mary, my mother-in-law is coming to stay with us for a month. Here is a list of the dishes she loves—and the first time you serve one of them you’re fired.” Sinister-lodking Individual (significantly) : “Is yer ’usband at ’ome, ma’am?” ' ’ Lady (resourcefully): “Well, if he’s finished his revolver practice, he’ll be playing in the back garden with the bloodhounds. Did you want to see him?” ** , * Daughter: “Da'ddy, what is your brlthstone?” Daddy: “I think it must be a grindstone.” * * * Joan: “That’s the-first time in my life a man has ever kissed me.” Tom: “Why, you told me that a month ago.” Joan: “Oh, it was you, w’as it?”