PICKLES

Dominion, Volume 24, Issue 286, 29 August 1931, Page 23

PICKLES

Tb« Hidden Joke. “What are you grinning for, boy? I can see nothing funny here.” “No, uncle. You can’t see that you are sitting on my treacle tart.”—“Vart Hem,” Stockholm. • • • The Cure. The doctor gave me a powder to cure my husband of drinking. I have to put it in his coffee.” “Has it cured him?” “Yes, of drinking coffee.”—“Lustige Kolner Zeltung," Cologne. Back-Stat Driving. P>ump: “Has your wife learned to drive the car yet?” Bumper: “Yes, in an advisory capacity.’’—"College Humour.” No, Indeed! Doctor: “Your husband’s not so well to-day, Mrs. Maloney. Is he sticking to the simple diet I prescribed?” Mrs. Maloney: “He is not, sorr. Ho gays he’ll not be after starvin’ himself to death just for'the sake of livin a few years longer!”—“The Belfast Ners-Letter.”

Memories. "Please ask Mary to get these stains off my coat with a little petrol.” “Oh, leave Mary alone. Since, the chauffeur jilted her, the poor girl can’t stand the smell of it.”—“Ottawa Citizen.” » * ♦ So It Doesn’t Matter. “I could lend you five shillings, but lending money only breaks friendship.” "Oh, well, we were never very good friends."—“Sault Ste. Marie Star.” • • • The Boiled Owl. Constable: “You can’t sleep here, sir.” Keveller: “Well, shtop the beashly motors goin’ by. Then I can!”— “London Opinion." Unlucky. “Well, Dad, I just looked in to say hullo.” "Tod late, my boy. l our mother looked in to say hullo, and got. all my change.”—“Speciality Salesman.”

True Both Ways. Little Boy (looking at mother’s new opera wrap) : “How that poor beast must have suffered that you could -have such a fur coat.” Mother: "Hush, Roscoe. You shouldn’t talk so of your father.' —“Lafayette Lyre. Optimism. Poet: “I am getting on—a famous publisher rang me up on the telephone yesterday.” Friend: “Good! What did be say l ■ Poet: “Wrong number.” . —“Der Lustige Sachse.” Leipzig. His Long Suit. Father: "Doesn’t that young man know how to say good-night?’ , Daughter: "I'll say be does!” —“Hudson Star.

•Diagnosis. > “Doctor: ‘H’m! Severe headaches, bilious attacks, pains in the neck—h’m! What is your age, madam?’ “Patient (coyly) : ‘Twenty-four.’ “Doctor: ‘M’m! ’ Loss of memory, too.’ ’’ —“Outlook.” - * * * Enterprising. Husband: “No,. I don’t want that cake. Don’t keep worrying me.” Voice from Jackie’s Bedroom: “Mummy, worry me a bit.” —“Hummel,” Hamburg. ♦ # * Mixed. “Here is the heater for your bath, madam, with directions enclosed.” “Directions! Do you think I have uever had a bath before?” —“Pages Gales,” Yverdon. » » , The Usual Thing Nbw. “Was your chaperone much of a nuisance at the dance last night?” “Yes. We couldn’t find her anywhere when it was time to go home.” —“Smith’s Weekly," Sydney.

Reformed. Mrs. Bragger: “My husband hasn’t been out at night for over a month.” Mrs. Asker: “Turned over a new leaf?” Mrs. Bragger: “No. Turned over a new car!”—“Winnipeg Tribiine.” The Aristocrat. Customer: "Is this pedigree dog?” Salesman: “Pedigree, sir? Why, if this dog could speak he would refuse to talk to either of us.”—“London Evening Free Press.” » 1 . » It All Depends. Captain: “Do you know where we are?” Mate (pointing at map): “If them’s the Canary Islands—line! But ,if they’s fly specks—Heaven help us!”— “Sydney Record.” Awful. “Now, wbat could be worse than a man without a country?” said the lecturer. “A country without a man,” said an attractive miss.—" Legion Weekly.”