Reporter’s diary

Press, 26 June 1989, Page 2

Reporter’s diary

NOT-SO simple arithmetic A former teacher, Gordon barely noticed it the first day when he received the wrong change from a shopkeeper. But, the next day, when he was told that two bags of fruit costing $3 and $4 totalled $5, he pointed out the error. The woman serving him was unsure about the addition so found a calculator and carefully used it, in front of an openmouthed Gordon, to check that it added up to $7. On the third day he bought an item that cost $29.95, so handed over $3O. His upturned palm that waited for the 5c change was showered instead with a 50c, 20c, 5c piece and even worse, a $lO note. At that point, Gordon had had enough. He decided that if people who handle cash could not do simple arithmetic, then it was their own problem. He left the shop

with all the change and more of a bargain than anyone had bargained for. Wrong end of the stock “ALL About Anthrax,” a collection of short stories about a sordid, paranoid, fantasist by an Australian academic, Ross Fitzgerald, has been an unlikely best seller in Queensland’s isolated farming communities. The “Daily Telegraph” reports that the book even sold out before publication because farmers in places such as Charleville and Quilpie thought that it was a definitive guide to the deadly sheep disease. Cutting Twain

A final word on epitaphs, real and otherwise. Mark Twain was so nauseated by pious verses published in newspapers of his day that he wrote the following: “Father’s in Heaven,

his body is dead, and silent, and cold and still. When we orphans get back from the graveyard We’re going to contest the will.” And: “He died, and my life which was sad before — behold its tears increased. For when Algernon sought the shining shore, my alimony ceased.” Royal standard? EARS pricked up at the trust committee meeting for the new Christchurch City Council last week when discussion turned to remuneration of members. The memorandum on the subject told them that the maximum “rate of salary is tied to that payable to a member of the Crown without portfolio.” Cheerful banterings followed, among which was heard the voice of Sir Hamish Hay in playful mode: "Is this Prince Charles? The Queen? Which member of the

Crown are we talking about here?” Sorry to disappoint you, chaps, but “member” should have been “Minister.” There is a slight difference in pay. But not much. Care for a mouse mousse? FROM a late Victorian book of Good Advice On Every Subject: In a section titled “Advice to those who attempt to supplement their diet from nature’s larder,” comes the mild after-thought: "N.B. Mice in honey should be imported from China, not prepared at home.” Cross purposes CONFUSED Christian Concepts, number 1: A small boy heard running excitedly out of church after a baptism: “Sophie’s been crucified!” —Jenny Setchell