SEARCH LIGHTS.

Press, Volume L, Issue 8541, 22 July 1893, Page 7

SEARCH LIGHTS.

I have been racking my brains in despair to discover by what process of reasoning tits Minister for Lands classes ergot as a weed. The only solution I can arrive at is this. Being an observant man he has discovered when

*" Comin' through the rye **

that ergot makes the sheep "ion," and being a Scotchman he has doubtless observed that whiskpy makea a man " fou"; hence ergot ia no better than whiskey ; but whiskey is known in bis couutry aa •'mouut-ia dew,"' and mountain dew is no more than >icote_ mist, and Scotch mist is no better than Yorkshire fog, therefore ergot is uo better than Yorkshire fog.

ergo 'lis a weed. This may not convince everybody, but it seems to mc as reasonable a line of argument as any that is likely to be advanced. Still, if anybody can go one better I should like to hear it.

But what a plague this Noxious Weeds Bill promises to be if carried ! No wonder the poor harassed cockatoos are up in arms. I can fancy their raising their voices against it in some such rebellious anthem as " The Wearin' of the Green " :—

" Oh cocky dear, and did you hear tbe news that's goin' round ? Fat hen and sorrel must by law be cleared from off the ground ! ; *Tis the most law-ridden country as ever yet I seed. The farmer must eradicate each bloomin* noxious weed."

Why, even the sweet little shamrock itself is a kind of wood-sorrel, or I'm Let the sons of Erin look to this, More injustice to Ireland !

Tins was the day fixed for the arrival of the Spanish ship, but up till now she is not here. Whether it is because hospitable Wellington still detains her I know not. All that can be said is, with the Governor of Tilbury in " The Critic,"

" The Spanish fleet thou canst not see— because—it is not yet in sight" In anticipation of soon having to help greet tbe gallant captain and officers, I am trying more and more to furbish up my very rusty ideas of Spain and the Spaniards. Of ths former (never having had the advantage of visiting it), I fear my knowledge is ohiefly derived from stories of bull fights and *' The Barber of Seville."

It is funny, if one candidly owns up, how very crude one's ideas really are about any place oi which one hasno personal experience. If I were to be put through my facings properly, I should have to make answer something iv this wise— Spain, a country in the sou-west of Europe, bordering somewhere on the Spanish main, chiefly inhabited by bull-fighters, dark-eyed ladies in big fans and black lace, gypsies, and fraudulent trustees from England, who useit for the purpose of the " Spanish fly, 1 * corresponding in this hemisphere to California or the *• Pacific slope." Principal products, port and sherry, Spanish olives, and Spanish onions, and—then I'm floored. As for Spaniards besides the acquaintance of mine host the Spanish Consul, I can only boast that of those very aggressive-looking plants that one sometimes meets on ths uplands of this country, and it is best not to meet them too closely. Why they should have such a far-fetched name as' Spaniards is a mystery to mc, but there ia certainly a point somewhere, for I've felt it

Talking of port and sherry reminds mc el an answer given by a friend of mine who was trying to pass an examination is theology in order to qualify himself for a family living. This was in the good old days, before "nipping" came into fashion, and when " red •** and *"•* white wise " were passed round carefully and reverently after -Inner. My friend was a sober minded man enough ; ho was not exactly brilliant, but was reckoned a first rate judge of wine, and had the advantage of the run of an old family cellar. One question set to him was this— **" Canyon name any event or coincidence which may be considered as axrounting to a divine dispensation f* After pondering deeply my friend wrote, like a wise man, on that subject which he knew best He replied, ** Yea, the fact that the grape-vine and the cork-tree 3-jrow together in the same country of Spain seems to ma to amount to a special dispensation of Providence." This early bond of union between the contents of the bottle and the bottle stopper seemed to him quite an affecting incident, and was probably just as much a special dispensation aa any which __» would-be interpreter of divine ways would have suggested^

A correspondent sends mc the following:— ** There is a joke somewhere but I cant quite see it; something like this: Why should the Ministry in their own interest? support Prohibition * Because Stout doesn't agree with them. Let Bohemian chew this over."

I must request my correspondent sot to insult my intelligence in this way Is future. This is "not the Waterbury conundrum column.

Where are the police ? Not at the Addi&g* ton Saleyards enrely; or at any rate, not IB sufficient numbers. For this is the sort of conversation that goes on there i?ita Impunity :— , Average Man— "Bad job this about the Loaaanmercantfle." Low Lived Criminal —"Oh yea, but itp clearly a solitary case.*' A.M.—Well, we naturally hope so ; bttfc there's no guarantee. L.L.C.—Obvions enoogh I should think* • A.M.—I can't see it. L.L.O.—Ain't it the New Zealand Lon# Hand Mercantile Agency t Again I say: where are the police 2

Now that the Cadman-Rees affair has died out for a time it affords mc some gratification to place on accord the fact that as far as my reading goes no New Zealand journalist has referred to the issu<*f of that trial as a Cadmaaan victory. This is really vary creditable to the profession.

The fashionable people of Christchurch ia May went crazy over the Gaiety Company; in June they roared their ribs out over the refined comicalities of the JUiedert-fel's Herren on—l mean—a—bend ; sad now ia. July they gush over the Chamber concert-. And the captious critic finds herein a certain inconsistency. But this is quite a mistake. There was a common element in all theso performances which ensured the success' of each—they were "the thing." It is true the style of music provided at each of these occasions was very widely different. And it is difficult to comprehend why the same people who *■* enthused'-* over Twiggez-vous should now gush over Schumann's Sonata. But the matter is really very simple. For people of whom the majority only recog* nise the air of "God Save the Quae-v* by seeing the rest put their cloaks on it matters little whether it is Chevalier ok Mozart they pay their money to hear—it is all sufficient for them that it is "tha thing. **»

This suffering country may fairly expect a return of prosperity now that ths Hon. W. Montgomery has become a member of the Cabinet. He has held office before—aa Minister for Education; and was in that post distinguished for his wide awakenesa to the interests of the country. For, indeed, It is said of him that throughout hia term of office, like Cicero's friend ia his consulate, be never once slumbered. His reign, if I remember rightly, lasted about ten and »- half hours.

But hia accesaioa to office » *__*,* national boon in another way. I* Cided the political cc-Joa**©*'_* : *™__* ,***?» andLMumbo, junior, the PeninsuU- seat on the Liberal ticket. Those who are acquainted with the talents and parts of this young gentleman wxu ahgur the happiest results from his career in Parliament —when he gets there. The grace with which he condescends to ** the tower orders, you know "; his hereditary capacity surpa_si_g that of the ancient scholiasts, for, pointing the obvious, the intimate knowledge of " practical farming" he has acquired in thelaw courts, the unfailing sweetness of bis Oxford bleat, —these things cannot fail to make a profound unpsessioa oa the Peninsula farmers. It is true these are some among them who cannot understand the devotion of this happy po__s__9r of a £20,000 run to SociaUam aad

nationalisation. But their knowledge of human nature is deficient They do not appreciate the sublime unselfishness and sacrificing patriotism of a candidate for Parliament—before an election.

I Have another story illustrative of the triumphantly successful all-searchingness of Colonel Fox's inspecting. He was reviewing another Christchurch corps, the one which he remarked was commanded by a very smart young captain. It was the turn of one of the lieutenants to handle the men, and he was putting them through the bayonet exercise. Some took lour paces to the rear, others seven paces, and others eleven paces, and, tho men being thus out of reach of each other, the work began. Now, the rifle with a bayonet fixed on it is a heavy and unhandy weapon, and if you havo ever tried the swordbayonet exercise you will understand mc when I say that his Austerity was soon on the jump. Those who did not know the exercise were told to order arms. To the first of these, as he stood statuesque, came a stern question, " How long have you been in this corps?" "Six months, Sir." His Austerity passed this without comment Presently another interval was ordered to give the ardent Inspector au opportunity of. getting between the men without being hoisted by a " high guard," aud the above question was repeated. "Two years, sir." A very disgusted expression passed over the quiet Colonel's face, but the only remark he made Was merciful, " You should be going through the exercise with the others." But j alas ! bis mercy could not endure for ever. He made his escape, aud the " Rear Guard," "Charge," "Point," and bo on was resumed. The men being turned to the right-about gave the Colonel a better opportunity to see their movements, and an uuhappy wight in the extreme distance caught his eye, going through all his work in a most unscientific and unsoldierlike manner. When all wa_ done, and the sweating heroes'standing at ease were drawing long breaths and ardently wishing to draw loug beers, the Colonel threaded his way through them aud approached Private Atkyns. " Are you a recruit ?" " No. sir." *" Then how long have you been a Volunteer?" "Eight years, sir." "Any other company besides this?" "Five years in the Fusiliers, sir." "And having served eight years in the Volunteers, is it not high tithe that (with withering sarcasm) you could go through the bayonet exercise as well as men who havo only served two years?" Private Atkyns shrank a perceptible two inches, but auswered not. " Well, sir, you have had a great deal of experience as a volunteer, and you will now add to it that you.resume tho duties of your daily life conscious of tho distinction of having disgraced both your former and your present corps, cast discredit upon your instructors, ana given mc my first feeling of disgust with the Volunteer Force of New Zealand." Private Atkyns shrunk another two inches, until his misfit uuiform was misfitter than ever. But just as his Austerity was stalking off with Atkyns' 4 inches apparently added to hi* stature, a strangled Bound broke from Atkyns' throat, and this was what it resembled, •• Pieose, sir, I've got rheumatics to-day."

Extract from a letter recently received from a lidy on the Peninsula:— •*.... You will be pleased to hear that young Mr William Montgomery has been to cali on us. He was very nice. He talked a great deal of politics, and said something about our cow aud my hu.band's vote. He has such a sweet way with children, and kissed all my three . . . . lam told he has been to call on a great many pooplo on tho Peninsula, and always kisses the baby. . . . The measles are spreading dreadfully among the babies on the Peninsula. . . " j j

But I don't think there can be anything in it. s

The Bohemian.