TO All Whom It May Concern.

Bruce Herald, Volume IX, Issue 811, 13 June 1876, Page 6

TO All Whom It May Concern.

t fain would please you, If Iknew with what,. Tell me which knave is lawful fcame, which not. Satire's my weapon, but I'm too discreet To run a-muck, and. tut at all I meet. The members of a certain lodge of * the Independent Order of Gf pod Templars spent a very pleasant "harmony evening" in Mr R. R. Jones' hall, not long ago. I should not like to state the exact quantity of weak tea consumed by the good brothers and sisters, for fear that the truth of my assertion might be doubted, but I can safely say that they were all very merry, and loth to depart when the hour for breaking up arrived. Brother K. Daverous could scarcely be persuaded to leave the gilded throne which Stood at one end of the hall, and it is rumored that after his friends had succeeded in getting him half-way home, he rushed back, and was afterwards seen gliding swiftly along the darkest side of the street, with the throne on his shoulders. When he got home he placed the seat of office iv the parlor, sat down, and tried to administer a severe lecture to his better-half from his exalted position. The effect Svas not what he anticipated, and I am given to understand that there was trouble in the house of Bro. K. Daverous. The throne was found in the street in the morning. In my humble opinion it is really too bad of the Bruce Herald, to persist in exposing Mr James Goodall's little tricks in connection , with ratepayers' rolls. I am sure that Mr Goodall always endeavors to do his best to promote the public good, and if he chooses to put the names of a few of his friends on the roll in an illegal manner, why should meddlesome and ill-natured persons call attention to the fact. I am told that the Bbuce Herald was quite wrong in its statement with reference to the late election for the Milton subdivision, for in the presence of a friend of mine, Mr Goodall denied having placed Mr Falconer's name on the roll, and stated that Mr Falconer placed the name there himself. If that statement is true, I look upon Mr Goodall as a much-maligned and ill-used man. It is true that he obtained possession of tbe roll, as returning officer for the subdivision, and that while it was in his possession, the roll was tampered with and falsified by someone, but that might have been done simply for the public fgood, and •surely our ex-mayor is above suspicion. Some kind friend, who evidently thinks me too good for this wicked world, has sent me the following epitaph : — In memory ov John Smith who met wierlent dcth near this spot 18 hundred and 40 too. He was shot by his own pistill : It was not one of the new kind, ,4 but a old fashioned brass barrel, and of such is the Kingdom of heaven. I shall carefully put this in a corner of my scrap-book for future use. We are a numerous family, and it may be useful to some of the other Smiths. In a neighboring township, a few weeks ago, a laborer was engaged in cleaning out the street channels. A would-be facetious youth, who was passing, addressed the man, saying, " You are making a splendid job of these gutters my good man." " Yes Sir," responded the laborer, glancing with excusable pride at the completed portion of his work, " a gentlecould fall down there of a night without soiling his clothes." The youth, who had been OUt rather late the night before, thought there was something personal in the workman's remark, and moved on disgusted. There is a person in this town who observes what a well-known Northern journalist calls ■' strict economy of the truth." In his case lying may be regarded more in the light of a pleasant habit than a vice, for, once converted to truthfulness, he would become one of the most vapid and uninteresting of mortals. Most of his perversions of the truth are "gross as a mountain— open, palpable," therefore amusing without being dangerous. He was in splendid form the other night, and was relating to a select audience his wonderful experience amongst the savage tribes of Western Africa. " Those niggers are a hardy race," said he; *'they wear no clothing of any kind, and walk about as naked as they came into the world. The country is infested with scorpions, and whenever the men are Stunt"*" they just put their hands in their pockets, pull out their penknives, and cut off a piece of flesh from the injured part. This | prevents all danger from the sting, and on my ] honor, gentlemen, I once saw two hundred and thirty-five— pardon me, two hundred and thirty four— of those men hacking away at their bodies at the same time." The story was received with loud applause, until one of the listeners, a rude and practical man, wanted to know how two hundred and thirty-four naked savages came to have pockets and penknives. Truthful James did not heed the awkward remark, but immediately changed the subject by referring to his thrilling adventures during a military | engagement which actually took place seven years before he was born. The ratepayers of Milton will soon be called upon to elect someone to fill the important office of Mayor, andl hear that there will probably be four or five candidates in the field. It is understood that Mr W. J. Dyer will seek re-election, while a wellknown and highly-respected hotelkeeper is also spoken of > as the coming man. In fact, some enthusiastic friends of the last-named geDtlemarhwent so fur as to have printed some bills annocncing his candidature, thereby causing considerable consternation amongst the other.aspirants to the Mayoralty. One of these individuals wasengaged in the composition of ah epicipoem in connection with the bottle license ingestion fwhen the bill was brought to him. Since that time, his mind has been rr. disturbed, and he has not been able to proceed V-tobis great literary t»sk, It will doubt-

less be remembered that about this time last year he wrote, some pathetic verses on the scarcity of bricks. An energetic tradesman, who lately commenced business in this township, advertises that be will buy all descriptions of dogs. There is some mystery attached to the announcement which I should like to see cleared up. What does he intend to do with the dogs ? A friend of mine, who is fond of saying pleasant things at dinner time, made some startling suggestions on the subject the other day, but I do not feel justified in making them public. At the meeting of the Tokomairiro Farmers' Club on Friday night, a certain member made a proposition that caused the majority of those present to experience a thrill of horror and indignation. It was actually 'proposed that the annual ploughing match dinner should be followed by a ball. lam told that several members threatened to resign at once, if the dreadful proposal was entertained for a moment. How happy we ought to be, when we think that in our midst we have a Society whose duty it is, not only to provide us with an ennobling and elevating treat, in the shape of an annual ploughing match, but also to sternly discourage the growing taste for dancing and other deadly sins of a like nature. Jouic Smith.